I know what love does NOT look like........

One of my favorite all time movies (you know the ones you have to watch if they come on cable) is Forrest Gump. I just have to watch it if I can when it's on. I actually watched it a few days ago and was thinking when Forrest tells Jenny "I am not a smart man,  but I know what love is."  I sat there and thought - "based on my experiences, do I know what love is?" I am talking about love with your partner, significant other, husband, etc. I absolutely know what love is with my children and my parents and with the family that I love and respect so very much. For some reason, I could not achieve that same relationship with a boyfriend or husband.  I do believe that 20 years ago I did not know what love was. I knew what lust was, I knew what being intimate with someone was, but I obviously didn't know what true love was or I would have left my last failed marriages a lot sooner rather than later. 

Here are some firm examples of what love does NOT look like. I'm just going to use partner to be generic, because trust me this could be happening with a man or a women, etc. 

Love does NOT look like:
Slapping your partner on the rear while drooling over the person of the opposite sex sitting right next to you.

Treating your partner like a trophy and bragging to friends about their physical nature or sharing intimate details about them, etc. 

Frequently telling them how pretty or hot this or that other person is (not you). 

Frequently hanging out with members of the opposite sex in a non-friend status environment and then telling you that you can't have friends of the opposite sex but they can.

Answering cell phones during sex. 

Knowingly carrying on an emotional affair and cheating on your partner and lying right under their nose.

Implying that they would like you better if you had bigger this or smaller that (use your imagination with that one).

Frequently ignoring calls, texts or communication in general (also known as passive-aggressive). 

Emotional abuse. I don't want to remember the numerous times I was called stupid, a b**ch, a c**nt, etc. In both of my failed marriages. I was just as guilty, throwing back and going toe to toe in insults and hurts. These things have no place in a loving relationship EVER. 

Physical abuse - this is where I drew the line and why I am now a single mom - pulling hair, pushing, slapping, etc is getting physical and none of that ever needs to be accepted and that was my one mistake, not drawing my line of boundaries and what I will and will not accept sooner rather than later. I justified to stay because it was when they were "not sober" so somehow that makes it OK? Nope - regardless of the circumstances and even what you may say or do, it's never OK. No one ever "deserves" physical abuse and no one makes you do anything, period. 

Breaking into e-mail accounts, facebook, and searching phones for texts, calls and frequently accusing you of cheating when there is not even a shred of evidence that this could be happening. *I'm going to admit I totally did this but then of course I justified it because I found out about my partner cheating later on so my suspicions were valid, but it's still not acceptable behavior - respect and trust should be big enough to where this line is never crossed. The truth will eventually come out  regardless without trying to seek it out and throw the dagger in deeper into your heart if you are the one being cheated on.

I still think my exes loved me - but I don't think they truly knew how to love someone else fully and completely because honestly, I believe they have some self hate from their past and you need to love yourself and be OK with your good and bad before you can love another. I was guilty of that too - I had low self esteem, I believed that this is what I deserved and that is just the way things were. Not until I left did I get strength, self worth, and complete healing for myself. I contributed to the failures but I also realized if I would have had my self worth and knew what I deserved in a man in the first place, I never would have picked them or allowed that behavior to begin with. That being said - do I have regrets? No. I have two beautiful and amazing children that I am blessed with and I have peace right now. My life is good. I wish more women out there that have had similar experiences could be where I am right now. 

I also wish women out there would not just settle. That's what I did - I got with the first man I fell in love with and was intimate with - I believed the age old lie that love will conquer all - love only conquers when both people involved are living and leading with love. Second marriage I got pregnant while we were dating so we got married - I wanted to do the right thing and then again BELIEVED that no matter what - we could get through stuff and love would pull us through because we made life together and we did love each other. Love can only conquer addiction when the person struggling is willing and ready to surrender. I can't make them do that - it's all inside of the own person's will and want and desire for their life. That desire to do the right thing has to be better and bigger than their want to use. 

With all this being said, I have no ill-will or unforgiveness toward my exes - I really do want them to experience a life like I am now living - and I still pray for them. Anyone can turn their life around, they just have to move toward doing the right thing consistently, they need wiser and older people to latch on to so they can learn and grow and do what they did to get what they got. It's work, most people want to do whatever they want to do when they want to do it. That is the "I want it now" mentality in our society. I had to decide if I wanted to continue on a path of a dysfunctional and toxic relationship with kids involved or move on. I had to move on. My children don't need to be exposed to things if they don't have to. I would have been selfish to keep them in a marriage that is a horrible example of how a man and woman are supposed to communicate, live and love. It would have been selfish because the only reason I would have been doing it and why I would have stayed was to not be alone, and what would people think of me if I'm twice divorced? Ha, yes my people pleasing came out there - frankly I don't care anymore. My life is my life and I know what I want and need from this point forward and if people want to judge me, go for it. I know who I am now inside and what I have to offer. 

This brings me to my next declaration for myself and a plea for women to think about their own self worth in current and future relationships and then I'm done. I screwed up twice and did it my way - look what happened. Two failed marriages and less than relationships because I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and I allowed my current situations to remain because I didn't have self worth or a firm set of boundaries in my life back then. I don't take it back or regret my past because it has all brought me to where I am today - in a good place! 

For all the women out there - we hold all the cards. We are the backbones of most marriages - we are the ones that toil, that do the day to day and some of us do all that and work full time like me if you are a single mom. We raise up our children and do the right thing. We DESPERATELY want our partner, husband, boyfriend to do the right thing. The truth is if they aren't doing the right thing to begin with, we need to move on. We can't change men - trust me I have tried and failed each time. You need to accept your partner for who they are, for the good and the bad and if you don't like what you see, move on. So my first two marriages I did backward. I jumped right in, confused the relationship with sex and screwed it all up. I say yes or no in the bedroom, it's not for the man to decide. Women we are the gatekeepers to LIFE. The truth is, if we all had firm and set boundaries - there would be no physical abuse because no woman would ever, ever accept that behavior. There would be no "other woman" for the abuser to go to because we would never allow it to happen and the men would have no choice but to treat women with respect or become really best friends with their hand. 

I will probably not get any dates from this point forward - which I'm not even going to consider a date until 2014 anyway but I'm not giving it up - Why would any man want to marry me again if I hold the one key to intimacy in my back pocket and give it up in week 3 of dating?  Then, the man has everything he wants, a girl, sex - why on earth would he even need or want to marry you unless you throw an ultimatum out there? This will also totally cut down on my dating pool and now my window will be pretty limited, but it will weed out all the playboys anyway, I seemed to pick the bad boys in the past anyway.  

Maybe, just maybe there are men out there in the same age range as me that have done marriage or relationships before that totally didn't work out the way they did it and maybe, just maybe want to try it the right way?? This is not a prude issue for me, this is not a religious issue for me  - this is about my self worth! I am worth waiting for and I know that any man that truly takes me seriously, wants to get to know me and doesn't just want to pursue me for my BODY or as a notch off his belt in his pursuit of women is someone worth getting to know, too. Any man or woman can jump in a bed and have sex together - it's our fleshly desire but when finding a mate - a true life partner that I really would want to spend the rest of my life with without the sexual element, it's going to be done right this time and I'm going to be worth the wait. I wish a few other women out there would try it - we are worth more than whatever men desire. We too easily give into what the men want instead of our true desire for a loving and desirable relationship. Instead, we settle for how the man wants to treat us. If I'm meant to be celibate and alone the rest of my life, so be it but I'm not screwing it up again. If I ever end up getting re-married it will be for life and it will be with a mate that is equally yoked to me - that is on the same page, has the same wants, desires, values and enjoys doing life with me and wants me for me, and not for my body or how good I am in bed. 

When being with someone makes life hard and miserable and both parties don't want to do the work to fix it (I am all for reconciliation but it has to be from two willing parties) - what's the point? Life is too short. So there is my proclamation - I will probably get props from some women and laughs from the men - I don't care. This is my life and I will live it for myself and no one else from this point forward. I will do as I please and if there is someone out there like me great, if not - then I will stay a single mom and continue my life peace filled and knowing that there are marriages out there that endure and I admire that. My sister will be celebrating 20 years this year, and my parents will be at 43 years this year. Kudos to them - no marriage is perfect and every one has it's struggles but it shouldn't be that hard if you are on the same page and moving forward in life and at the same pace. For me it would be a pretty awesome experience to get to know my husband, in that way on that wedding night knowing that it's just the two of us till death do us part and that we fell in love with our souls, instead of our bodies from the get go - the right way.

To answer my own question from the first paragraph - Do I  know what love is?  I believe I do now. Love is not sacrifice like I first thought, it's death. Love is dying to your own wants, needs and desires and putting someone else before you. I do this many times with my children, but I never did with my exes because I wanted to be in control and I still didn't truly love myself. If both parties are dying to themselves everyday and have the other person in mind first, how can it not work? So for me, love is death. Dying to your own desires first and putting another in front of you for me is what true love is. 

What is the main reason you wouldn't wait until your wedding night to become intimate if you are currently single? For me it could be maybe it won't be that great, or simply because of my fleshly desires I wouldn't want to wait. Self control is really, really hard sometimes. 

How long and often are your pity parties?

I believe that if you haven't yet had a pity party, you deserve a medal of some sort or you if you haven't been the one throwing the party, surely you have attended one. Something must be in the air, because this past month I have thrown my own and attended a couple, too. 

I always like to break down the definition of a word. Here is the definition of pity from dictionary.com:
1.  sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering,distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy. 
2. a cause or reason for pity, sorrow or regret.

I like to think about how an average party lasts and make sure I don't go any further than that when I throw my own pity party. Have you ever been to an all day party? Maybe a family reunion or get together that is far away but even at that we are talking maybe 4-5 hours. Not many events last days or weeks so I like to base my pity parties on that and don't go over the average amount of time that a regular party for a happy event takes because I don't want to give my negativity anymore time than it needs to have or it will manifest and grow into even more negativity and then I would have like my own little baby of pity that I have to deal with and the more I feed it, the bigger it would get. 

Everyone has those times where the universe is totally mis-aligned in their world and everything in it is going wrong. It's totally and perfectly fine to cry, get angry, freak out or however you like to throw your party. Personally, I don't invite anyone and just isolate myself. I used to stuff the reality of my feelings deep down and not even address them. Before too long they would explode and I would wonder why.  Now I allow myself to feel the current suckiness of my situation, process it and then realize that there are many, many more people out there that have it WAY worse than me and that i need to suck it up and move on. 

My thoughts can get pretty low - I'm divorced. Twice. Not just once, but twice. I don't have another adult to share my life with - I am labeled DIVORCEE or "something must be wrong with you" if two marriages have failed. I am a failure. I know that the people close to me that know me and love me don't believe the lie that I tell myself but it's easy for it to creep in and take hold. My parents are still married to this day, my sister is about to celebrate 20 years of marriage and they have a wonderful example of how a marriage SHOULD be. The youngest of the bunch (I am the baby) couldn't make it work or figure it out. I'm a quitter. I gave up.  It's easy for me to feel lonely knowing that in fact there is nothing wrong with being alone or single. It's easy for my mind to go there.  It's easy for me to feel like a loser even though I have a part time job on the weekends I don't have my kids so I can properly provide for them along with my 40+ hour work week and I keep plenty busy doing the things that are good for me like taking care of myself, spending good quality time with ME which I haven't done in about 20 years, but I still have those thoughts that creep up and tell me that I'm nobody because I don't have anybody to do life with. My kids I love, they are my life but it's not the same. Maybe I just liked the idea of coming home to someone even though the two previous situations were hard f-in work and unfortunately all the love we had could not overcome all the sh*t sandwiches we continued to eat. After a while enough was enough. It sucked, not the idea I had or envision to be twice divorced and a single mom at 36. I didn't want it but that's what happened. It is was it is but it still sucks a**. 

I also lost a house and I have had my share of horrible financial decisions. I live in a 2 bedroom apt w/2 kids because that is all I can do for right now. OK - see what path this could continue on? I could just go on and on and bring myself down and cry for hours if I let myself stay there. Then I have to flip the script and go up, move up just a bit so I can build myself back up again. I wish I was much more conditioned and habitual in building myself up instead of bringing myself down. So I have to start with simple things. My kids to date have not gone without. Yes they have gone without the hot new toy or the wii game my son wants, but we have a roof over our head, food to eat and plenty of games and books that they can play with and clothes to wear. It may not be the toys they want, but they have them. I have a car to get me to and from work and where I need to go. I will be paying way more than what the car was ever worth because of my  past financial decisions that were irresponsible but it is getting me where I need to go for now. I am just praying it will still be running by the time I pay it off. No matter how much I plan for stuff, sh*t always happens. I think I have my budget down and then I need a root canal, and car registration is due, and oh you need new brakes on your car and then another bill pops up. I just can't seem to get ahead but I know it could be worse. I still have a place to live and my car to drive. Being self sufficient really is sometimes a negative thing for me because I will not ask for help. I just try and figure it all out on my own when I could ask for help and alleviate some stress but my mantra is taking care of your junk so it's really hard for me to ask for help. I do value personal responsibility but I also realize that even with the best of people, sh*t still happens and is a fact of life. The truth would be I would have a problem with myself if I just habitually started asking family or friends w/money for money or help and continued to live that way instead of taking care of my own life and just use help only when I absolutely need it. There is a difference between truly helping someone out and becoming an enabler. The last thing I would ever want to do is take advantage of someone else. I could not, would not do that. EVER. 

So after I attend my pity party, I have to end it with a pep talk. I can always attempt to focus on the good things. There are always good things even though we want to tell ourselves the current situation is SOO BAD. It's not really, you just have to realize that the situation always could be worse and that we always have the decision to think up instead of down. It's a choice. I am guilty of my own pity parties but I also know that I have plenty of things to be thankful for and I have to remember to remind myself of those GOOD things so I don't have to worry about my own little pity baby that I would coddle and feed and allow it to eventually take me down one day because it's grown so big and I don't now how to stop it. 

So here's my pep talk to me: I am worthy of someone one day to love me and cherish me and do life with me to where it's not a struggle, it's a journey that has more good times than bad. A journey with someone else to inspire and accept me for me and to want their journey of life to be the same as mine which includes self improvement, personal responsibility, doing the right thing and living a healthy lifestyle, too. Until then, I will be my own cheerleader and I also have amazing friends that are cheering me on and know that one day I will share in the current bliss they are currently living as they have been through some rough relationships in their past, too. I am a loving mother and my focus is on my children and supporting and loving them no matter what. I do what I need to do on a daily basis to provide for them and provide them with routine and security even though I wish we lived in a house w/a picket fence and were in a better financial place right now, where we are at is OK. IT WON'T ALWAYS BE THIS WAY. The truth is my kids are learning that things don't always go the way they want but we still make it through and we will make it through our struggles together. 

When I commit to something, I commit. There is no half-ass with me, it will get done if I say it will unless something really unexpected comes up or I am really sick which rarely happens. People committing to things and flaking out annoy the crap out of me. I think so many people don't want to say "no" they over commit and don't no how to positively say no. I am learning to say no a lot more, too because I don't want to say yes and then not show up. Sure I want to make everyone happy (the ever present people pleaser in me) but I realize myself and my kids come first so I have to commit based on myself and them, not others. I used to think that was selfish to say no but now I know it's smart. I am selective in what I say 'yes' to and much more able to use no if needed. 

So with this message I am publicly announcing my commitment to a triathlon next year to motivate myself to stay fit and do the work. I am more accountable if I have a goal or event and since I don't have a partner or person I can work out with, or do events with, I will do it for the event. Come the first weekend in May of 2013 I will be a triathlete! Click Here to check out my training blog. Now grant it I will not be doing an Ironman anytime soon (if ever). MAYBE a 70.3 if I actually enjoy triathlons but even that might be a little too hard core for me. This is really just a cross off the bucket list kind of thing and also to stay in shape and have the motivation to do the work.  So kudos to me for committing to something that I never could have seen myself doing or accomplishing even when I was married which is actually kind of sad now that I think about it. The weekends I will not have my kids can be used for training and getting my bike training in and I'm excited. I am actually going to bike to work one day a week as well. My journey to keeping myself fit and active begins. <patting myself on the back>. So everyone go give yourself a high-five and pep talk yourself out of any pity parties that want to take hold of you and overcome you. Go find something you love that feeds your soul and go do it :)