Life is too short - A serious post for teens

As I sit here on the eve of an anniversary no friend, acquaintance, mother, father, sister or brother should ever have to experience or remember in their lifetime - I remind myself how precious life is and how important each moment we have on this earth is. The other reminder I have is that our words in some cases and in my opinion could contribute to unfortunate events, and even sometimes death. Bullying these days is a huge issue, it's sad how often you read about a high school student tormented enough to where they felt they had no other choice but to end their life.

Believing that you have no other option or way out is a dangerous lie to believe and I really, really wish more young people today knew how important their life is. Middle school and high school is but a flash, and in some cases I look back and laugh about how I believed certain things in my teenage mind were important when in reality and in the grand scheme of things - they were so insignificant.

As I break it down and try to understand - I believe it is just human nature to want to feel and to be accepted in your circle of friends and especially in your teenage years. Yes, rejection does suck but it's also a fact of life. Kids can be cruel - so cruel I don't think they even realize it until something horrible happens. In reality, even the bullies hurt or they wouldn't be hurting others w/mean words, threats, insults and in some cases beating other kids up.

I don't ever want to believe someone loses their life for no reason or purpose. I believe people aren't here by accident, that we are here for a reason and there are no coincidences. I also believe that some things that we cannot understand do have a purpose - even when we don't always see it.

I was someone on the outside looking in and just remember her big bouncing smile every once in a while after soccer practice when she would stop in for a quick visit to the office. From afar I watched her grow up from a pudgy young girl into a very beautiful young woman that had a promising future and an amazing life ahead of her. She was kind, always smiling and completely from the outside a strong young woman that showed no signs of low self esteem and seldom any sadness. She had no idea when she was here on this earth how many other people's lives she positively affected with her happy spirit.

If I can stress anything to a current middle school or high school student that might go through a traumatic change of events in their social life to where they feel their whole world is crashing down, and the thought of suicide is ever upon them (whether they are sober or not) -  just remember it won't always be that way. You are loved, your life is worth something. There is ALWAYS a way out - it's okay to talk about your feelings and emotions and it's okay to ask for help.

The other bit of advice I can give is no matter how cool your peers think drinking or doing drugs is in middle school or high school - it is of no benefit to you except to cloud your thinking and open up a Pandora's box of emotional problems because at 13, 14 15 or even 16 your brain is not even fully developed yet. Why can't it be cool to do the right thing? Why can't it be cool to treat others with kindness and live by the golden rule (you know treating others how you want to be treated?) Sometimes I ponder if certain kids have been through so much emotionally in their childhood - they want to feel pain because it's normal to them, so they treat others with pain, too. Or, maybe they have a lot of self loathing going on because of their own lies they started to believe at a very young age so the only way they know how to deal is with anger and hurt toward others. I cannot stress enough how your belief system shapes your life. What you believe is who you become, what you think is who you are and if you are in pain or hurting - the truth can make you free! Until you can get a hold of what your thoughts and beliefs are, it's difficult to change for the better, but it can be done.

It's okay to love yourself! Trust me - at 36 years old I am just now giving myself permission as I used to believe that taking good care of yourself and to love yourself was selfish. The truth is, you can't truly love another until you love yourself. Don't look to others for validation or self-worth. The sad fact is most of the time other people will let you down, we are all human and make mistakes. Know your self worth and stand firm in it.

The other bit of advice especially in difficult times -  people don't define you! Not everyone will like you and that's okay. You can't please everyone and if your so-called friends are going to decide to be mean to you or insult you all of a sudden - you can choose to no longer be their friend. Protect and surround yourself will supportive, positive people. It's not the end of the world to find a new group of friends in high school.

Another important truth to remember is that everyone has a choice whether to spew that insult or to hold their tongue. The hard way is the right way, the easy way is the wrong way. That is the one lesson I teach my kids - it's easy to blow up and throw a fit, it's hard to feel the emotion, choose not to immediately react to it and to practice self control. I wasn't taught how to take in my thoughts, evaluate them and then decide how to react. I just reacted, I would just say or do whatever came to mind and out of my mouth.  Now that I'm learning this tool - it is NOT easy but when you do the right thing, it is rewarding. Obedience is also hard - why should you listen to your parents? For one, it's respect. They are feeding you, clothing you, paying for everything you need to impress your friends (that new phone, those new clothes, that new video game, etc.) How much would it freak your parents out if you actually walked up to them one day and said thanks for all they do for you instead of complain to them as to what they aren't doing for you. Your parents are trying to provide a good life for you that they might not have had growing up - so don't take advantage of it.  Appreciate what you have, there are plenty of kids out there that grow up with nothing.  If your parents are like mine were - hopefully once you turn 18, you will be just like I was - left to provide for myself and pay for everything ON MY OWN. I even re-imbursed my parents for my car insurance and paid for my car myself, too. I got no free hand outs and if you do have parents that will continue to pay for your phone, car insurance, health insurance, etc. you better appreciate that fact instead of expecting them to continue to do that for you.

Last but not least - no one MAKES you do anything - this is another lie I believed and I became quite the blamer "if they hadn't of done that to me, I wouldn't have reacted this way - they MADE me do it"  This was the worst lie of them all - in reality all we can control is OURSELVES, our choices and that's it. We also control what we allow into our lives, if someone tells me I'm stupid or worthless and I believe it - that is because I didn't kick that lie back out and re-affirm that I'm worth plenty and they can go you know where for saying that to me. Don't allow lies and rubbish into your mind - and if someone throws a lie out there to be mean just tell them thanks for sharing, but that's not a true statement about me. Really say that and see what their response is.

My main reason for writing this entry is to remember a beautiful life that was taken too soon under a myriad of unfortunate events. If you are reading this and have ever insulted, bullied or hurt some one's feelings intentionally it's never too late to change. When you say something to hurt someone just remember you have no idea what they have been through in their  past, what they are going through now or how much what you say could affect them. Think really hard of what comes out of your mouth. I truly believe in some cases emotional wounds can cut deeper than physical ones. I'm not saying that physical abuse isn't just as tragic but what we say to others - the very critical, mean and hateful things are not easily forgotten and sadly we tend to hurt the ones we love. You become like the top 5 people you hang around with the most - who are your friends and what do they think is cool? It's something to ponder.

I will never forget where I was and what I was doing when I got that call and I'm sure Kebra Danielle Selah never knew how many lives she affected even with people that didn't know her that well or even at all.  I will never forget and I don't want others to either. If anything I hope this message might reach some teen somewhere and help them to realize that they are loved and worthy of a long, full life. I wish I could have done more, or helped more to get her message and story out to any kids that might be struggling with low self-esteem or suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately a lot of people don't want to bring up suicide or talk about the 'elephant in the room'. Your teenage years are so fleeting and truthfully I never truly began to live my life until I became a mother myself. It's tragic that suicide is the third leading cause of death among those 15-24.

There is so much more waiting for you, you just have to go through some storms in life to get to the clear skies and rainbows. Every time I see a butterfly, I think of Kebb. I know you are watching over your family and one day I know they will all see you again and that they miss you terribly. Kebb's death involved alcohol and I truly believe if she hadn't been drinking that fateful early morning, she would still be here today.  Because of Kebb's death, I made a decision to not drink alcohol around my children at all while they are growing up and since last March I have stopped drinking all together.  It's just a personal decision because this tragic loss has affected me pretty deep and honestly for me personally nothing good has ever come out of drinking alcohol. They always say what you do in moderation your kids will do in excess so I choose not to do that at all.  I want to set the example for my kids to do as I do, not to do as I say but not as I do.  If this story has touched you, and you are questioning some things in your life after reading this,  please think of Kebb and do something nice for someone today in her memory.

To learn more about Kebra, go to www.kebbsmiles.com

January 11, 1989 - July 29, 2004

Failure - How do you turn defeat into a learning experience?

I have a flood of emotions regarding an event in my life that I perceive as a failure. A couple of years ago I ate the proverbial carrot that was dangled in front of the American people - a tax credit if you buy a house to spur the economy!  Now I have to look back and realize my motive wasn’t because I really, really wanted a house and had everything in order to buy one – no I was just like many other people trying to get a house at that time – stretching the limits of what I made vs. what I could afford for the tax credit. I now see in hindsight it wasn’t the best or most well thought out decision I ever made.  During those two years of ownership the secure job I had was no longer. I was unemployed for almost 5 months with a brand new baby (think another mini-house payment for childcare once I go back to work).  I took the first position that was offered to me even though I was over qualified.  I took a significant pay cut just to have a job and let’s add in the fact that my monthly mortgage payment continued to get larger each year due to tax increases and here I was - one of the many Americans that could no longer afford their home.

I also didn’t consider the true responsibility entailed in owning a home – fixing everything that might go wrong and the mere fact of the larger time and effort to keep the place looking nice. I am not a green thumb type person so gardening was totally not my thing and I didn’t have enough money to have the yard mowed consistently. I really needed to ponder that fact a little bit before jumping to sign on the dotted line to home ownership. I also realize I probably had a little bit of "I want it NOW" syndrome which I think every single person on this planet has struggled with that at one point or another in their lifetime. 

After going through my savings to pay for the mortgage and realizing I still couldn’t make ends meet I had to consider my options – the best one for me was a short sale. Luckily I got right on it – got with a realtor that specializes in short sales and Bank of America was willing to work with me – I qualified for a short sale and an offer was made on the property pretty quickly. It has been a long process (since February) but now the reality that this is happening is sinking in. I moved into an apartment for a number of different reasons back in February so I have gotten used to the new environment. I still had a few things over at the old property and now that I know the closing will be taking place soon I have to go over there and look at the remaining items and the structure that was once ‘my home.’ Spending last weekend sorting through what was left was definitely emotional and hard (Like a punch in the gut hard).  I felt sad, angry, like a failure and the whole belief of having ‘broken dreams’.  I believed that you had to have the house, a white picket fence, a back yard, a home and 2.5 kids to be happy. I took the bait and boy it bit me in the ass later. So now what? How do I overcome this horrible feeling of failure?

First I look to real people overcoming failure – I also have to process my true responsibility or my part in the “failure”. So let’s talk about my part – could I have predicted losing my job? No – so that is one aspect – the other reality was my true motive wasn’t pure and I didn’t go about buying the house in the best financial sense possible. In the old days you had to save thousands of dollars to put down on a house – these days you could get an FHA loan with little or no money down (which is what I did).  I was also at the top end of ‘my purchase limit’ because I wanted to live in the neighborhood w/the best schools.  I should have been more humble in my decision making for the price of the house so that I could have had a more realistic and safe mortgage payment just in case anything ever did happen. I was trying to keep up with the Jones’ so that was definitely all on me. I take responsibility for that – now I just have to look at the situation for what it is and make sure I can accept it and move on. Now time to look at some examples of people getting past multiple failures.

I can always look back on Thomas Edison. He  is a perfect example – after a reporter asked him if he felt like giving up after failing over 9,000 times to create a working light bulb, he firmly stated that he definitively now knows 9,000 ways how NOT to make a light bulb, and shortly thereafter (10,000+tries) he was successful. What if he would have agreed with the reporter, or just decided to give up?

Sports greats are similar – they keep going no matter what the outcome. Roger Federer is a perfect example; he just claimed his 7^th Wimbledon title at age 30 last weekend but had to endure 2 and a half years of a major title drought before reaching that stellar achievement.  What is true about Federer - he never stopped believing.  In one of his post Wimbledon interviews after reporters were talking about his losses in the past he said, “That it’s the beginning of something, not just the end of something. Fortunately I’m very positive in the way I do think and believe and understand the situation. I never stopped believing.”

Another thing to consider is pure and raw talent doesn’t always matter 100% of the time. I would almost say that Nadal’s best is probably better than Federer’s best but Federer keeps going regardless of the obstacles and he can adapt accordingly and keep moving. Maybe some of Nadal’s rituals (the hair swoop, nose scratch and butt pull, etc.)  before each serve lets you know that things have to be a certain way for him or it will just be all wrong.  Federer seems more relaxed, less rigid and able to move and adapt accordingly for whatever is thrown his way, even if that includes losing many major titles in a row.

Even more to Federer’s credit is his humility in regards to his achievements when asked about his arch rival Nadal.  With this Wimbledon win, Federer now has six more major wins than Nadal. “Rafa has an amazing career, we have two such separate lives and worlds and things we do and the way we do them. He’ll anyway be a legend and a great champion, so for me if he does beat my record it almost doesn’t matter. I did things he can never do; he did things that I can never do. It’s the moments that live and the memories that are with me that are most important.“

With that quote I will decide to take the positive moments I had while living the American dream as a home owner even though it was short lived. I won’t beat myself up about it and I will know that if I ever do decide to buy a home again it will be done the right way, the correct way – not because the gov’t is enticing me to spur the economy again or because everyone else is doing it.  Recently, I have had to check my motives a lot more often than I ever used to. Am I making a certain decision for myself or for someone else?  

I know that owning and losing a home doesn’t have a whole lot to do with great sports athletes achieving great titles or Thomas Edison inventing electricity, but I have to look towards examples of others that have overcome obstacles and kept going to draw a positive outlook on my current situation. I have a choice of how my beliefs, attitude and thoughts are affected by the fact that I was a homeowner and had to put it into a short sale to get out from underneath it.  I can let it affect me to my core by continually beating myself up about it and telling myself I’m a failure and vowing to never own a home again. Instead, I choose to accept that yes that event did happen, it was a life lesson, a learning experience and I will choose to think things out better in the future, especially when making major financial decisions in my life. Sure, I could blame the situation on the sole fact that I was unemployed for a time or heck even Obama if I was really bitter about it but if I would have had a decent amount in my savings account to provide for the unexpected, I wouldn’t be in the position I am today.  I now know my part in the situation.  At least now my finances are in check, I live somewhere I can afford based on my financial obligations and I’m not trying to live beyond my means.  It’s frustrating because I am limited on certain things I can do, I live on a pretty tight budget but I am blessed to have a place to live, a steady job and extremely blessed with two beautiful children that bring joy to my life daily. 

I also know that while I have struggled a bit this year and I am not where I thought I would be at 36 years old, at least I know that it won’t always be this way and that fact right there brings me comfort. Life is always changing. Ultimately, my conscious choice of having a positive outlook of where I’m headed is what matters. Even though I have made my own mistakes and had certain failures in my past, I will not let those events or decisions define me.  No matter what life throws at you, the fact is that you always have a choice of how to handle each curve ball or obstacle that comes your way.  With that truth, I have to realize I need to adapt to the situation or I could just die in my own pitiful and sorrowful mindset. I have to adapt by having a positive outlook and enjoy the rest of the time I have here on this earth no matter what mistakes I have made. Life is too short to live with regrets, resentments or bitterness from your past. That last sentence is definitely easier said than done but it’s a process. Anytime I hear my negative thoughts creeping upon me, I don’t let them stick around for long. 

I am a huge believer in uplifting quotes, so I will leave with this one:

“Do not build up obstacles in your imagination. Difficulties must be studied and dealt with, but they must not be magnified by fear.”  - Norman Vincent Peale

How much do your thoughts affect your physical self?

I decided to get back into cycling which I haven’t been doing consistently for a couple of years. Now that my situation allows more time for me, the only obstacle was getting another bike. So I found myself a very affordable bike that I consider ‘vintage’ as it was probably manufactured in the 80’s. The fact that I had limited funds didn’t stop me from getting back on a bike. I needed something, did some research and got it.  I envisioned riding and having an experience that would allow me to clear my thoughts as I rode, but actually the opposite happened – I was flooded with them.  My thoughts just came and they were pretty good ones which is why I am taking the time to write this note.  I thought about the reality that two-thirds of US Adults are overweight in America and wondered why.  It’s either a lack of physical activity problem or an over-eating problem. The longer I rode the more I wondered why I didn’t see more cyclists or see more people running or jogging, especially on a holiday.  I want to jump on a bike and enjoy the wind on my face and the locusts howling in the trees while I burn some calories. That is exactly what I got, and it filled my soul.  I was probably one of three people on the entire trail without an iPod or some type of music player blasting as that is what I prefer. I go cycling to be closer to nature, not shut the elements of my experience out with music although I do exactly that while cleaning at home. Maybe it’s because I really enjoy cycling. Now if I was jogging, I would absolutely need music to keep one foot in front of the other because I don’t really enjoy jogging or running at all, especially when it’s 90+ degrees in the Texas heat.

 The more my thoughts ran with the miles that went by I wonder how many people have tried various types of exercise so they can find out what they really enjoy doing.  I would much rather go swimming than run on a treadmill in a gym any day.  Many people say they can’t afford a gym membership - now that I have invested in a bike I technically wouldn’t need one as there are trails all over the place I can take advantage of and it will cost me nothing except for the upkeep of the bike. The other comment might be I can’t afford a bike.  I can’t afford the bike I want, that’s for sure.  Let’s just say I had some real bike envy on the trails as road bikes worth thousands of dollars are rolling past me and the entire cost of my bike was probably the cost of just ONE of the tires on those bikes. I maybe even got a few laughs from serious riders but I don’t care – I’m doing something active and that is what matters.  I saw a man on a bike that was probably 300 lbs.; I wanted to stop and shake his hand and tell him to keep up the good work because he was at least trying to change for the better.

The other excuse could be – I hate exercise – well if you tell yourself that, then of course you do! What you think and what you believe is your truth. I didn’t always love biking; I actually used to go out and party every weekend and invest my money in the hot new jeans brand so I could look cool at the club (Ok don’t judge me, that was definitely before my children were ever born). The older I get, the more my priorities change and they are changing for the better. What you love is what you end up doing.  If you love partying and getting drunk, that’s what you will do. If you love doing what you want when you want it – that’s what you will do and ultimately it will be at the expense of others as well.  If you really want to change for the better you will make a conscious effort towards reaching that goal because then it will be a priority. I believe if everyone had a right opinion of themselves, this entire country would be walking around fit and fabulous.

 I truly believe that what you think is who you become and if everyone knew they were worth something good, that they were a positive addition to this earth no matter what other people may have told them in the past - they would want nothing more than to take care of their body, nourish it with the good foods that God gave them for a reason, reward their body with exercise so the muscles and the core can stay strong and hopefully last as long as their mind will. They would respect what they do to their body because they really do love themselves and want the best for their own body.  I also want to interject that taking care of your body is not selfish – taking care of yourself is not a bad thing. Loving yourself is not bad!  Now thinking you are better than others and condemning others because they are not “as good as you“ or treating someone different is – there is a big difference in having a good opinion of yourself vs. a selfish and inflated ego.

Staying fit doesn’t have to be hard or miserable, it just has to be consistent and you need to find something that you love to do. I love Yoga – it centers me and it keeps me sane in some cases.  It took a few classes for me to get into it but now I can’t live without it. Biking is just another outlet for me that I truly enjoy and after each class or bike ride I feel so much better about myself.  I also don’t have a mental issue with my body image, weight or stress about exercising. I am who I am, I’m not perfect, I never will be and I’m ok with that. I don’t diet – I just eat. When I miss a few yoga sessions and eat out more than I need to be, I can tell. Once I get back into my routine of yoga twice per week and add some cardio back in it’s not that hard to stay fit and eat healthy especially with chasing two kids around. I also have my share of fat and calories with what I eat but it’s all in moderation – I love myself a cheeseburger or some pizza every now and then but I don’t eat like that every day.

I guess my point is – try different things to see what you like best and JUST DO IT. You don’t have to be good or great, you just have to try.  I prefer yoga, biking and swimming – those types of exercises are a joy to me so it’s easy. If you dread every type of exercise of course you won’t want to do it.  I also love basketball, it’s just not realistic for me to play with anyone or very often so I do the other exercises I love and that are easily accessible to me. There are so many things to try, just find something and go out there and do it. If I cared what people thought of me today I never would have gotten on my dinosaur of a bike for fear of being laughed at.  The other thing I’ve noticed is the more I exercise the better foods I want to put in my mouth.  Sure I still splurge on certain foods every now and then but to me food is fuel for your body and that’s it. I don’t eat more when I’m sad, mad or stressed. I don’t look to food to comfort me – that is an entirely different issue and if you or anyone you know has habits like that, they need to find out why they look to food for comfort. That is an emotional reaction that causes a physical problem. There is no magic pill to make you thin and fabulous. Hard work pays off but the reality is that you don’t have to work that hard as long as you end up loving the work! 

At first I thought my whole point of writing this was to encourage others to try different things they enjoy to be active, but the more I think about it – it’s not just getting out there and doing it (an action) it’s also about your attitude towards that action (your thoughts). The more I learn the more I know that our thoughts shape our lives and who we are.  The sooner and faster everyone can gravitate towards a positive mind set about themselves and others, the faster this country can become a better place. It all starts within each individual because all you can do is change yourself and no one else. You are responsible for your thoughts, actions and attitude; if you want something bad enough – you will find a way to get it. Unfortunately, most of the time the things people want so badly aren’t necessarily the best things for them and that is when problems really arise. So I leave you with – What are you thinking?  

That question right there is the essence of who we are. Until you can break down your thoughts, pick out the lies and belief systems you may have formed in your childhood or within society or your environment and replace those lies about yourself, the world and others with a truth; it will be hard for anyone to just wake up one day and all of a sudden love exercising and eating well or doing the right thing – it doesn’t work that way. Improving your life is a process.  This life is progress, not perfection. The key is to be willing to change and to do the work required to get you there.  If you screw up, it’s ok. If you fall off the wagon, its ok – don’t beat yourself up. Two steps forward, one step back and then two steps forward again until you reach your goal. I am still a work in progress, but I am very thankful I have many tools that I have learned along the way to be able to navigate through this life and still have some peace and balance no matter what life may throw my way.

Trust me, I still struggle with my choices but I am improving.  The best advice I can give is - if you want what someone else has, you have to do what they did to get what they got. If you don’t have the motivation or urge to change on your own – ask someone you admire or look up to. Find an exercise buddy, go talk to someone you know or work with that is in great shape and find out what they did. We are not meant to do life alone.  As iron sharpens iron, so does one man (or woman) sharpen another. Accountability keeps you honest and consistent and can be a great start to changing your physical self, or at the very least your thought processes that may have led you to be unhappy with your physical self in the first place. There is always time to decide to change; you just have to be willing! Aside from the desire to go out and do something active to change your physical self, you also have to examine your thoughts so you can face them head on and slowly start to change them.  So aside from deciding what new exercise you are going to go out there and try, you also need to ask yourself “What AM I thinking”?