How long and often are your pity parties?

I believe that if you haven't yet had a pity party, you deserve a medal of some sort or you if you haven't been the one throwing the party, surely you have attended one. Something must be in the air, because this past month I have thrown my own and attended a couple, too. 

I always like to break down the definition of a word. Here is the definition of pity from dictionary.com:
1.  sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering,distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy. 
2. a cause or reason for pity, sorrow or regret.

I like to think about how an average party lasts and make sure I don't go any further than that when I throw my own pity party. Have you ever been to an all day party? Maybe a family reunion or get together that is far away but even at that we are talking maybe 4-5 hours. Not many events last days or weeks so I like to base my pity parties on that and don't go over the average amount of time that a regular party for a happy event takes because I don't want to give my negativity anymore time than it needs to have or it will manifest and grow into even more negativity and then I would have like my own little baby of pity that I have to deal with and the more I feed it, the bigger it would get. 

Everyone has those times where the universe is totally mis-aligned in their world and everything in it is going wrong. It's totally and perfectly fine to cry, get angry, freak out or however you like to throw your party. Personally, I don't invite anyone and just isolate myself. I used to stuff the reality of my feelings deep down and not even address them. Before too long they would explode and I would wonder why.  Now I allow myself to feel the current suckiness of my situation, process it and then realize that there are many, many more people out there that have it WAY worse than me and that i need to suck it up and move on. 

My thoughts can get pretty low - I'm divorced. Twice. Not just once, but twice. I don't have another adult to share my life with - I am labeled DIVORCEE or "something must be wrong with you" if two marriages have failed. I am a failure. I know that the people close to me that know me and love me don't believe the lie that I tell myself but it's easy for it to creep in and take hold. My parents are still married to this day, my sister is about to celebrate 20 years of marriage and they have a wonderful example of how a marriage SHOULD be. The youngest of the bunch (I am the baby) couldn't make it work or figure it out. I'm a quitter. I gave up.  It's easy for me to feel lonely knowing that in fact there is nothing wrong with being alone or single. It's easy for my mind to go there.  It's easy for me to feel like a loser even though I have a part time job on the weekends I don't have my kids so I can properly provide for them along with my 40+ hour work week and I keep plenty busy doing the things that are good for me like taking care of myself, spending good quality time with ME which I haven't done in about 20 years, but I still have those thoughts that creep up and tell me that I'm nobody because I don't have anybody to do life with. My kids I love, they are my life but it's not the same. Maybe I just liked the idea of coming home to someone even though the two previous situations were hard f-in work and unfortunately all the love we had could not overcome all the sh*t sandwiches we continued to eat. After a while enough was enough. It sucked, not the idea I had or envision to be twice divorced and a single mom at 36. I didn't want it but that's what happened. It is was it is but it still sucks a**. 

I also lost a house and I have had my share of horrible financial decisions. I live in a 2 bedroom apt w/2 kids because that is all I can do for right now. OK - see what path this could continue on? I could just go on and on and bring myself down and cry for hours if I let myself stay there. Then I have to flip the script and go up, move up just a bit so I can build myself back up again. I wish I was much more conditioned and habitual in building myself up instead of bringing myself down. So I have to start with simple things. My kids to date have not gone without. Yes they have gone without the hot new toy or the wii game my son wants, but we have a roof over our head, food to eat and plenty of games and books that they can play with and clothes to wear. It may not be the toys they want, but they have them. I have a car to get me to and from work and where I need to go. I will be paying way more than what the car was ever worth because of my  past financial decisions that were irresponsible but it is getting me where I need to go for now. I am just praying it will still be running by the time I pay it off. No matter how much I plan for stuff, sh*t always happens. I think I have my budget down and then I need a root canal, and car registration is due, and oh you need new brakes on your car and then another bill pops up. I just can't seem to get ahead but I know it could be worse. I still have a place to live and my car to drive. Being self sufficient really is sometimes a negative thing for me because I will not ask for help. I just try and figure it all out on my own when I could ask for help and alleviate some stress but my mantra is taking care of your junk so it's really hard for me to ask for help. I do value personal responsibility but I also realize that even with the best of people, sh*t still happens and is a fact of life. The truth would be I would have a problem with myself if I just habitually started asking family or friends w/money for money or help and continued to live that way instead of taking care of my own life and just use help only when I absolutely need it. There is a difference between truly helping someone out and becoming an enabler. The last thing I would ever want to do is take advantage of someone else. I could not, would not do that. EVER. 

So after I attend my pity party, I have to end it with a pep talk. I can always attempt to focus on the good things. There are always good things even though we want to tell ourselves the current situation is SOO BAD. It's not really, you just have to realize that the situation always could be worse and that we always have the decision to think up instead of down. It's a choice. I am guilty of my own pity parties but I also know that I have plenty of things to be thankful for and I have to remember to remind myself of those GOOD things so I don't have to worry about my own little pity baby that I would coddle and feed and allow it to eventually take me down one day because it's grown so big and I don't now how to stop it. 

So here's my pep talk to me: I am worthy of someone one day to love me and cherish me and do life with me to where it's not a struggle, it's a journey that has more good times than bad. A journey with someone else to inspire and accept me for me and to want their journey of life to be the same as mine which includes self improvement, personal responsibility, doing the right thing and living a healthy lifestyle, too. Until then, I will be my own cheerleader and I also have amazing friends that are cheering me on and know that one day I will share in the current bliss they are currently living as they have been through some rough relationships in their past, too. I am a loving mother and my focus is on my children and supporting and loving them no matter what. I do what I need to do on a daily basis to provide for them and provide them with routine and security even though I wish we lived in a house w/a picket fence and were in a better financial place right now, where we are at is OK. IT WON'T ALWAYS BE THIS WAY. The truth is my kids are learning that things don't always go the way they want but we still make it through and we will make it through our struggles together. 

When I commit to something, I commit. There is no half-ass with me, it will get done if I say it will unless something really unexpected comes up or I am really sick which rarely happens. People committing to things and flaking out annoy the crap out of me. I think so many people don't want to say "no" they over commit and don't no how to positively say no. I am learning to say no a lot more, too because I don't want to say yes and then not show up. Sure I want to make everyone happy (the ever present people pleaser in me) but I realize myself and my kids come first so I have to commit based on myself and them, not others. I used to think that was selfish to say no but now I know it's smart. I am selective in what I say 'yes' to and much more able to use no if needed. 

So with this message I am publicly announcing my commitment to a triathlon next year to motivate myself to stay fit and do the work. I am more accountable if I have a goal or event and since I don't have a partner or person I can work out with, or do events with, I will do it for the event. Come the first weekend in May of 2013 I will be a triathlete! Click Here to check out my training blog. Now grant it I will not be doing an Ironman anytime soon (if ever). MAYBE a 70.3 if I actually enjoy triathlons but even that might be a little too hard core for me. This is really just a cross off the bucket list kind of thing and also to stay in shape and have the motivation to do the work.  So kudos to me for committing to something that I never could have seen myself doing or accomplishing even when I was married which is actually kind of sad now that I think about it. The weekends I will not have my kids can be used for training and getting my bike training in and I'm excited. I am actually going to bike to work one day a week as well. My journey to keeping myself fit and active begins. <patting myself on the back>. So everyone go give yourself a high-five and pep talk yourself out of any pity parties that want to take hold of you and overcome you. Go find something you love that feeds your soul and go do it :)