I was going to write this blog about an incident I had with my kiddos last week but since I have just completed my third step study, I'm going to blog about my progress within my recovery. I really don't like the word recovery because when I say that people look at me like "Why are you in recovery - what is wrong with you?" They may wonder if I was an alcoholic or a drug addict but now I don't care what people think anymore, I'm not ashamed to admit I had issues and I am working on them. I don't like the word recovery but I did look it up in the dictionary and it's totally fitting and appropriate: restoration or return to any former and better state or condition. The truth is - because of my ability to consider that I may have issues because I kept getting into the wrong type of relationships, I am doing great now. The other part is that sometimes you have to go back pretty far to figure out why you might do the things you do. I was able to truly evaluate my life, find out what my issues were, where they began and learn some amazing tools on how to fix those issues. The great thing is that the tools really work and that anyone can change their defects of character into virtues - but that is only if they truly want change.
You know I listened to a great pod cast that was sent to me by my boss recently. It was very insightful about the brain and willpower. Here is a link if you would like to listen.
http://stitcher.com/s/player.php?AAUAAKPG_
The best part is at the end when the author states that everyone in some way is out of control in one area of their life. You don't have to be completely out of control in everything to seek recovery - it can be that one thing that may even be a secret but keeps you locked up inside. I just sat back and thought - you know she is probably right. Even if someone doesn't want to admit it - there is probably something in their life that isn't working. The area of my life was my personal relationships - not with my family or friends or even co-workers but with men. For some reason I just couldn't make it work but for the longest time I just believed it was only them and not me. A lot of times something drastic has to happen before you start to look at yourself and that is exactly what happened with me.
I tried Al-Anon because I had relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts. For me going to an Al-Anon meeting was sitting at a table with a bunch of women sharing all the things they didn't like about their current alcoholic/drug addict and I sat there listening to these women and I wanted to leave the meeting and go have a drink. No, seriously it was not solution based and there was no road map on how to get healing while dealing with or living with someone that has a drinking or drug problem. Needless to say, I didn't stay long and did not go through the steps with anyone there.
Fast forward a few years later and I was referred to a program out in Irving that has a great leader and program at this one church. I was going to support someone in their journey to get off drugs/alcohol. I actually stayed because after the first couple of weeks I realized I really needed to go through this for me. Sure, the first week I thought I was too good for this and that I really didn't have that many issues. In reality, I had enough issues that I needed to go through the step study and ended up doing 3 step studies almost back to back. Everyone thinks recovery is only for hard core alcoholics or drug addicts. That statement is false. Recovery is for anyone that has a problem trying to change something they know is counter productive or that is hindering them from being the person they know they are supposed to be. It could be depression, anxiety, negative thinking or beating yourself up for your past. It could be struggling with spending too much money, or flying off the handle often and you don't know why. It could be self hate or guilt and shame. It can be over eating or under eating - exercising too much or you work too much. The more I have learned when abstaining from a drug or alcohol, that actually is easy to measure - you don't drink or do drugs. It is much harder to abstain from being co-dependent, an enabler or a people pleaser. It's also hard to all of a sudden not care what people think about you if you have believed a bunch of lies for so long. It is a process but it can be done.
The thing I love about Celebrate Recovery is that it's for anyone and everyone. My main issues are being co-dependent, trying to control situations I have no control over, manipulation to get the outcome I desired, dealing with worry and anxiety, being judgemental, struggling with perfectionism, approval seeking and people pleasing. I cared too much what others thought of me so much so that it affected my decisions and reasons for doing certain things. My motives were not for me or necessarily for the right reason but to gain or win more acceptance. I thought my identity was what others thought of me. That was not a healthy way to live. I was also an enabler and that is definitely not a good thing either. The biggest word I was given during this journey is that in the bible with the story of the prodigal son - he did not go back to the father with a family member, girlfriend or wife dragging him back to the father. Sometimes you have to get out of God's way and let him do the work.
Before I started this I didn't know what a boundary was or how to set them and enforce them (I still struggle well with that). I wasn't a good communicator and if someone gave me criticism I would fly off the handle, get super defensive and attack them. I didn't apologize to my kids when I raised my voice or yelled - parent's are always supposed to be right and perfect? WRONG. That is the biggest thing I have learned - children need to learn that everyone makes mistakes sometimes and it's OK to make a mistake and then immediately admit you were wrong and apologize. I ask my children to forgive me when I mess up because I want them to do the same to others when they are wrong.
I realized I was in denial in a lot of ways and I also really didn't know who I was. Through my journey not only have I realized who I am but who I want to be. I also have a road map of how to get there. I don't know if I will ever "arrive" but I know that I will constantly be learning and growing and attempting to be the best me I can be.
I now have a better and more positive view of myself, I know my self worth and what I deserve as a human being. I am working on many different areas in my life and the best thing I can say that I have gotten out of this journey is accountability and peace. I am sharing my journey with a sponsor and they are helping lead me on the right path and supporting me even through my mistakes. I am giving myself more grace as I am stumbling through some bad decisions but I am learning from them and also attempting not to make the same mistakes over and over again. I have learned to love all of me - the good and the bad. Not sure why I believed it was selfish to love yourself - but how can you love anyone else if you don't love who you are to begin with? That has been a big lesson for me and I don't believe I have experienced a 'true love' as of yet but I know it's out there because I have a friend living that life right now and it gives me hope. My truest loves right now on this earth are my children. They are my number one motivation to stay on my recovery path so I can teach them these tools so that they can set boundaries, effectively communicate and deal with their emotions in a safe and productive way.
The biggest wish I have right now is for more people to learn this way of life. It's a free program and it's invaluable to anything I have learned to date in my life. It's better than the best deal for online clothes or shoes, it's better than the newest car or material thing. It was a life saver for me. It's awesome actually but sadly, in society today not a lot of people openly talk about their issues - they just put on a happy face even if there is a lot of pain behind that mask because I did that for too long. There is a better life than that. The other great thing I have experienced is that no matter what happens in my life or what craziness is thrown my way I can still live my life in a state of peace if I choose to even if there are chaotic things happening around me.
If my journey sounds interesting or you think you might benefit from what I have experienced - a new step study is starting next Friday, October 4 at 7pm in the chapel. There is FREE childcare every Friday night - that is the only way I was able to do this program on Friday nights was because of the childcare. It is a lot of work and will be an intense journey but no doubt it will change your life and for the better. www.calvarychurch.cc
If you are from outside of Dallas and reading this and would like to check a meeting out you can find one at www.celebraterecovery.com
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