If I'd have known then what I know now....

I was inspired to write this because of an awesome post by SDL (Single Dad Laughing) (a great blog to follow) and I figured I will get personal if I can help someone avoid making some of the same mistakes I have in my past. The best part about SDL's blog is him taking responsibility for his part. Every relationship takes two people. Two people to make it work and two people to allow it to disintegrate. Often times one or both in the relationship refuse to take responsibility for their part and the blame game gets you nowhere, and allows for no growth. That is exactly what happened with me after marriage #1 ended. I didn't take responsibility for my actions adding to the end of the marriage. It was all his fault and I was just fine. Fine stands for Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Ha. Denial is a great place to be - you don't do anything but blame all your problems on other people and the world. It's never your fault why your relationships end, why you can't seem to keep friends - there is nothing wrong with ME, it's everyone else. I have experienced that place and it is NOT a fun place to be.

I spent enough time in victim land and all it did was bring me more misery and problems. What I do know now is that I was co-dependent, controlling, struggled with anxiety and was an enabler. I also had some pretty messed up belief systems. I seemed to stay in relationships longer than I probably needed to because I really, truly wanted to work them out regardless of how bad things may have been - I believed that love was supposed to be forever and that it's also really hard work. Not until marriage #2 was at the end of it's rope did I start looking at myself instead of everyone else. Honestly, it was the best thing that happened to me so that I could get out of my denial and start really living my life with my eyes wide open. 

My background is pretty simple. Met boy #1 at 16, fell in love, got married and stuck around for 12 years until I realized that I don't deserve being cheated on - period.  I then met boy #2 immediately after marriage #1 imploded.  I pursued him without knowing the first thing I wanted in a man after my first marriage crumbled, got pregnant then re-married within a year after my first divorce was final, made many of the same mistakes I did in my first marriage and tried everything I possibly could to not have to put my kids through a divorce. (I had no kids with marriage #1 so it was fairly easy to walk away).  

After much soul searching, here are 8  tips I have for any woman that happens to end up in a relationship/marriage that just isn't working no matter what you try - or you just keep picking the wrong guy. These are tips you will have to change within yourself so that you can no longer be affected by the guy that will say everything to melt your heart but then DO everything that contradicts those words. No matter how charming, and how much you think you "love" them, you have to do some work within yourself so that one day you won't even be attracted to that guy in the future because your wants are for greater things like character, integrity and honesty. 

1. LOVE YOURSELF. This was the biggest lesson I had to learn - getting into serious relationships early in my life and virtually not being single or alone for almost 20 years, I lost myself (or maybe never found myself in the first place) and I avoided getting to know myself - I felt my identity was with my relationship or marriage. I didn't want to be alone - so many times I stayed in a negative situation for fear of being alone. I also was not able to fully love either one of my ex-husbands because I didn't even love or know myself very well. My identity was confused with the other person which is a classic trait of co-dependency.  I now accept all of me, including the good and the bad. It was not easy to look inside and realize I have faults, flaws and issues because I always believed I needed to be perfect which is both harmful and just plain impossible. Give yourself grace even when you screw up, beating yourself up for past mistakes does nothing but hinder your growth. I now look forward to ME time - to alone time and to spending time to fill my soul - before I used to feel weird being alone and felt like I had to go somewhere or be with someone to just feel normal. Now I savor my me time and I'm so glad I spent some time getting to know myself and eventually love myself. It is near to impossible to love someone else if you have self hate, shame or guilt. 

2. KNOW YOUR WORTH. I believe one of the reasons women stay in emotionally and physically abusive relationships (I have experience with both) besides fear is because they believe what the other person tells them or the lies they tell themselves - that they are less than, worthless, or nothing without the other person. If you believe you are worthless and something less than is what you deserve, then ultimately that is what you will get. Know that every human being is worth enough to be in a loving, caring relationship or marriage. Don't believe the lies - men have no right to belittle,and emotionally abuse their wives or girlfriends for whatever reason or justification they use. I USED to believe that I was only someone because I was WITH someone, because someone else loved me, I must be important. I believed those lies and stayed in relationships that were less than because I feared being alone more than being in a bad situation. I struggled well with low self esteem and ended up getting what I thought I deserved (I don't deserve the best, this is just the way it is). The truth is, everyone deserves to be in a loving caring marriage or relationship and no one deserves less than. 

3. SET INTERNAL BOUNDARIES. As my second marriage was failing, I didn't know what a boundary was, how to set or enforce one. Know your absolute boundaries and communicate with the other person. Cheating, emotional and physical abuse should never be acceptable in any situation. EVER.  If it ever happens, see ya later. period. end of discussion. I wish I would have had those core beliefs to begin with, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. If you set up those boundaries in the beginning and if they are ever broken - follow through no matter what has happened and no matter what time has been invested - you are worth more. No one deserves that type of treatment EVER. The hardest part after figuring out your boundaries and setting them is enforcing them. I still struggle with this daily, especially in regards to boundaries with my kids. 

4. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I was in two co-dependent relationships and I wanted to fix the situation all the time, worry all the time, spend all my focus and energy on the other person. I felt that taking care of ME was selfish and a bad thing. Boy, after having kids and going through recovery and therapy, that is so far from the truth. If you are in a relationship where you are not encouraged to have "you" time, get out. You need an outlet, you need to fill up your soul so you have something left to give your kids, your friends, your family, your job and your relationship if you are in one. Find yourself a passion and go do it. I've started this blog because my therapist tells me to journal. I have begun riding my bike again and look forward to my weekends without the kids so I can exercise and enjoy being outside. Re-connect with yourself and find out what fills your soul. Make YOU a priority, I promise it's not selfish, it's what is needed to keep you going. My therapist made a good analogy about being selfish and taking care of yourself. Let's see if I can do this here. 

SELFISHNESS---------------------------------SELF-CARE------------------------------SELF-NEGLECT

There is a huge difference - self-care is in the middle. You don't want to be too high on yourself to where you put yourself above others (Selfishness) or neglect yourself because of low self-esteem. Self-Care is right in the middle and that is where everyone needs to be. It's OK to take care of YOU! I struggled well with this and now make a consistent effort to take care of me and keep balance within myself. 

5. HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS. This is very hard for me even to this day because I struggle well with assumptions in my head and expectations of certain people. If you have a very high expectation of an outcome or person and are let down, you will hold a resentment. Don't over think a relationship with someone, don't be upset when someone lets you down. Trust is built over time so let any relationship progress as it should. You need a solid amount of time to build trust and find out if you and the other person have similar wants, desires and value the same things. If you find that a person does not share your core values or goals, then leave that relationship. You can't change them and if they don't agree, why waste more time? Please don't mis-read what I am saying, either because if you just accept whatever relationship falls in your lap, you may be utterly disappointed. I think so many people settle in relationships because they just want to do life with someone, even if it's not the right someone. The other extreme is that no one on this earth will "make you happy". If you believe that lie, you are in trouble. The point is to have the same likes, wants, desires, compatibility, love and respect with that person so that you can do life with them and it's definitely better with that person than without them. 

6. DON'T TRY TO CHANGE THEM. I was utterly guilty of this. I loved them, but I would truly love them if x,y and z changed. It doesn't work, it won't work and it never has worked. TRUST ME. If you are in a relationship with someone that you really love 80% of them but 20% needs to be changed (and the 20% happens to be major issues) and you believe it will be fixed if you get married or have kids, you are more than likely wrong.  It is very rare that you have enough influence over someone that the other person will change for you. Even if they improve some, more than likely they will revert back to their old ways eventually.  People need to change for THEM. The sad part is most of the things I wanted changed were behavioral and can be changed with work and help  if that's what the person wants. Both of my exes weren't bad guys and they both had some really great qualities, but they just got caught up in bad behaviors and situations which ended up affecting other aspects of their life in very negative ways. I took me a while to realize I can't change them, all I can do is decide whether I wanted to stay on the roller coaster with them or not. It wasn't healthy for me, for them or for my children. I could do nothing to change their mind so I had to get off. The only thing I could do was change me so I sought out help and improvement within myself. In the end, I am better off right now at this period in my life even though it's sad, it's not what I ultimately wanted but it is what it is. 

7. ACCEPT THE GOOD AND THE BAD. For any relationship to work you have to love and accept yourself and fully love and accept the good and bad of the other person, too. I couldn't do that with either marriage - no wonder both didn't work out but I didn't see that until they were both over and done with. It is hard to admit that, but it's true. I am much better at accepting my friends and their flaws because I don't have to live with them every day and I can encourage them without being in the thick of the situation. That is what I recently told the father of my kids.  Right now, I can accept him as a friend and co-parent because I don't have to be involved with the day to day issues that would drive me crazy. I am clumsy as all get out, I am often late to social engagements  -  but I am also loyal, hard working and willing to help people. In marriage #1 I was constantly reminded of the mistakes I would make, or made fun of for being clumsy. I didn't even understand what unconditional love could be like until I had children. If I practice that with my children, I most definitely needed to have a certain level of unconditional love of my mate, and I didn't.

8. LEAVE PAST EXPERIENCES IN THE PAST. I was guilty of allowing past experiences w/marriage #1 to affect marriage #2. Some things that husband #2 would do would trigger me with feelings of what husband #1 did so I believed that he would react the same way even when he didn't at first. The freaky thing is, as more time went on, eventually husband #2 did many of the same things that husband #1 did - coincidence? Maybe not - it's very possible I had an affect on husband #2's responses based on my behaviors and reactions. Give any new relationship a chance and if old feelings are brought up from past issues - work it out within yourself and even share with your new relationship - it will allow for growth and trust to build and for the new person to understand some of what you have been through and ways to avoid any triggers in the future. 

These are the basic areas I knew I had to change inside of myself so in the future I might have a chance for a successful relationship. I don't plan to date anytime soon because I have no time or want right now (enjoying being a mother and having "me" time on the weekends I don't have my kids is working well for me.)  I had to figure out my part because for the LONGEST time I blamed everything on my past relationships.  I don't mean for this post to be a downer because I do still believe in true love and that there is a person made for everyone out there. I also want to state if things aren't that great in your relationship or marriage right now - if both parties are willing to work on the relationship and themselves, you both can change for the better! The issue comes when you state your wants, needs, desires and absolutes to the other person and they don't agree. That is why my marriages ended, you can't make something work without both people being in full agreement and on board for the change. With that in mind, please be cautious if the other party says they are on board with their words, but don't back it up with actions; it's not going to work then, either. You can always separate with the option to reconcile and let the other person SHOW you they mean what they say. In the end you know if the actions don't back up their words, it's time to move on.   If you agree to disagree on what changes need to be made in the relationship,  eventually whether you like it or not,  it will probably be best to move on as both parties will not be getting what they want or need. 

To end this on a positive note, I am linking a blog that reminded me of a real life couple I know where they are truly living their love for each other every day of their life.  After reading this blog and knowing their story is genuine, it gave me hope. I don't look at relationships or marriages now as 50/50 like I did before - that is mediocre. I look at a relationship as needing to be 100/100. Both people giving 100% of themselves to the other person and without expecting anything in return - how can that model fail? Love breeds love, being positive causes the other person to be positive, too. Inspiring the other person to be better just works. I was so guilty in feeding into negativity, fights and vicious cycles. So many times the man doesn't want to swallow his pride, ego and give without wanting anything in return because of possibly "losing the power fight", "appearing whipped" or a "wuss". In the end the men who have that attitude will ultimately lose the relationship.  If men lead with love from the start and keep it up no matter what, the woman will follow and support their man - it's the man's job to set the example in my opinion, not the other way around. 

I'm not going to lie - leaving both of my marriages were the hardest decisions I ever had to make in my personal life and I spent my time grieving over the loss of the relationship, but I also know deep down it needed to be done. It was hard, uncomfortable and scary at first, but my life is so much more peaceful now. My worry is to a minimum and I try and nip my anxiety in the bud if it starts to creep up. 

Sometimes you can't see clearly until you are completely out of a situation/relationship for a certain amount of time. If family members close to you are questioning your relationship or trying to talk to you about your situation and you don't want to hear it - you might want to try and listen. Most of the time the ones that love you the most (parents, sisters, brothers, etc) They ultimately just want to help you and want the best for you and you can't see a negative change within yourself but others can from the outside looking in. 

 The best thing that has happened with my journey is that I have no resentments, that I have no bitterness about what has happened or what I have been through and I do wish the best for my exes. I am at peace. I had to go through a lot of junk to get to a state of peace, but I am so thankful for my journey as my experiences finally allowed me to grow. I wish growth and eventual peace for anyone going through a negative situation or a hard time. It is always darkest before the dawn and a negative situation won't always be that way!  It's funny, I used to really hate change. I wanted things to be predictable and secure and now I cherish change because now I know the fact that life constantly changing is one of the few things that I can count on in my life. Changing for the better is a choice, and you can only do it one step and one day at a time. 

I am totally open to thoughts/comments or feedback. Sometimes the best personal growth is made through really hard life lessons. I know that if I would have known what I know now in my first marriage I would not have the two beautiful children I have today so I have no regrets.