Failure - How do you turn defeat into a learning experience?

I have a flood of emotions regarding an event in my life that I perceive as a failure. A couple of years ago I ate the proverbial carrot that was dangled in front of the American people - a tax credit if you buy a house to spur the economy!  Now I have to look back and realize my motive wasn’t because I really, really wanted a house and had everything in order to buy one – no I was just like many other people trying to get a house at that time – stretching the limits of what I made vs. what I could afford for the tax credit. I now see in hindsight it wasn’t the best or most well thought out decision I ever made.  During those two years of ownership the secure job I had was no longer. I was unemployed for almost 5 months with a brand new baby (think another mini-house payment for childcare once I go back to work).  I took the first position that was offered to me even though I was over qualified.  I took a significant pay cut just to have a job and let’s add in the fact that my monthly mortgage payment continued to get larger each year due to tax increases and here I was - one of the many Americans that could no longer afford their home.

I also didn’t consider the true responsibility entailed in owning a home – fixing everything that might go wrong and the mere fact of the larger time and effort to keep the place looking nice. I am not a green thumb type person so gardening was totally not my thing and I didn’t have enough money to have the yard mowed consistently. I really needed to ponder that fact a little bit before jumping to sign on the dotted line to home ownership. I also realize I probably had a little bit of "I want it NOW" syndrome which I think every single person on this planet has struggled with that at one point or another in their lifetime. 

After going through my savings to pay for the mortgage and realizing I still couldn’t make ends meet I had to consider my options – the best one for me was a short sale. Luckily I got right on it – got with a realtor that specializes in short sales and Bank of America was willing to work with me – I qualified for a short sale and an offer was made on the property pretty quickly. It has been a long process (since February) but now the reality that this is happening is sinking in. I moved into an apartment for a number of different reasons back in February so I have gotten used to the new environment. I still had a few things over at the old property and now that I know the closing will be taking place soon I have to go over there and look at the remaining items and the structure that was once ‘my home.’ Spending last weekend sorting through what was left was definitely emotional and hard (Like a punch in the gut hard).  I felt sad, angry, like a failure and the whole belief of having ‘broken dreams’.  I believed that you had to have the house, a white picket fence, a back yard, a home and 2.5 kids to be happy. I took the bait and boy it bit me in the ass later. So now what? How do I overcome this horrible feeling of failure?

First I look to real people overcoming failure – I also have to process my true responsibility or my part in the “failure”. So let’s talk about my part – could I have predicted losing my job? No – so that is one aspect – the other reality was my true motive wasn’t pure and I didn’t go about buying the house in the best financial sense possible. In the old days you had to save thousands of dollars to put down on a house – these days you could get an FHA loan with little or no money down (which is what I did).  I was also at the top end of ‘my purchase limit’ because I wanted to live in the neighborhood w/the best schools.  I should have been more humble in my decision making for the price of the house so that I could have had a more realistic and safe mortgage payment just in case anything ever did happen. I was trying to keep up with the Jones’ so that was definitely all on me. I take responsibility for that – now I just have to look at the situation for what it is and make sure I can accept it and move on. Now time to look at some examples of people getting past multiple failures.

I can always look back on Thomas Edison. He  is a perfect example – after a reporter asked him if he felt like giving up after failing over 9,000 times to create a working light bulb, he firmly stated that he definitively now knows 9,000 ways how NOT to make a light bulb, and shortly thereafter (10,000+tries) he was successful. What if he would have agreed with the reporter, or just decided to give up?

Sports greats are similar – they keep going no matter what the outcome. Roger Federer is a perfect example; he just claimed his 7^th Wimbledon title at age 30 last weekend but had to endure 2 and a half years of a major title drought before reaching that stellar achievement.  What is true about Federer - he never stopped believing.  In one of his post Wimbledon interviews after reporters were talking about his losses in the past he said, “That it’s the beginning of something, not just the end of something. Fortunately I’m very positive in the way I do think and believe and understand the situation. I never stopped believing.”

Another thing to consider is pure and raw talent doesn’t always matter 100% of the time. I would almost say that Nadal’s best is probably better than Federer’s best but Federer keeps going regardless of the obstacles and he can adapt accordingly and keep moving. Maybe some of Nadal’s rituals (the hair swoop, nose scratch and butt pull, etc.)  before each serve lets you know that things have to be a certain way for him or it will just be all wrong.  Federer seems more relaxed, less rigid and able to move and adapt accordingly for whatever is thrown his way, even if that includes losing many major titles in a row.

Even more to Federer’s credit is his humility in regards to his achievements when asked about his arch rival Nadal.  With this Wimbledon win, Federer now has six more major wins than Nadal. “Rafa has an amazing career, we have two such separate lives and worlds and things we do and the way we do them. He’ll anyway be a legend and a great champion, so for me if he does beat my record it almost doesn’t matter. I did things he can never do; he did things that I can never do. It’s the moments that live and the memories that are with me that are most important.“

With that quote I will decide to take the positive moments I had while living the American dream as a home owner even though it was short lived. I won’t beat myself up about it and I will know that if I ever do decide to buy a home again it will be done the right way, the correct way – not because the gov’t is enticing me to spur the economy again or because everyone else is doing it.  Recently, I have had to check my motives a lot more often than I ever used to. Am I making a certain decision for myself or for someone else?  

I know that owning and losing a home doesn’t have a whole lot to do with great sports athletes achieving great titles or Thomas Edison inventing electricity, but I have to look towards examples of others that have overcome obstacles and kept going to draw a positive outlook on my current situation. I have a choice of how my beliefs, attitude and thoughts are affected by the fact that I was a homeowner and had to put it into a short sale to get out from underneath it.  I can let it affect me to my core by continually beating myself up about it and telling myself I’m a failure and vowing to never own a home again. Instead, I choose to accept that yes that event did happen, it was a life lesson, a learning experience and I will choose to think things out better in the future, especially when making major financial decisions in my life. Sure, I could blame the situation on the sole fact that I was unemployed for a time or heck even Obama if I was really bitter about it but if I would have had a decent amount in my savings account to provide for the unexpected, I wouldn’t be in the position I am today.  I now know my part in the situation.  At least now my finances are in check, I live somewhere I can afford based on my financial obligations and I’m not trying to live beyond my means.  It’s frustrating because I am limited on certain things I can do, I live on a pretty tight budget but I am blessed to have a place to live, a steady job and extremely blessed with two beautiful children that bring joy to my life daily. 

I also know that while I have struggled a bit this year and I am not where I thought I would be at 36 years old, at least I know that it won’t always be this way and that fact right there brings me comfort. Life is always changing. Ultimately, my conscious choice of having a positive outlook of where I’m headed is what matters. Even though I have made my own mistakes and had certain failures in my past, I will not let those events or decisions define me.  No matter what life throws at you, the fact is that you always have a choice of how to handle each curve ball or obstacle that comes your way.  With that truth, I have to realize I need to adapt to the situation or I could just die in my own pitiful and sorrowful mindset. I have to adapt by having a positive outlook and enjoy the rest of the time I have here on this earth no matter what mistakes I have made. Life is too short to live with regrets, resentments or bitterness from your past. That last sentence is definitely easier said than done but it’s a process. Anytime I hear my negative thoughts creeping upon me, I don’t let them stick around for long. 

I am a huge believer in uplifting quotes, so I will leave with this one:

“Do not build up obstacles in your imagination. Difficulties must be studied and dealt with, but they must not be magnified by fear.”  - Norman Vincent Peale