Here are some firm examples of what love does NOT look like. I'm just going to use partner to be generic, because trust me this could be happening with a man or a women, etc.
Love does NOT look like:
Slapping your partner on the rear while drooling over the person of the opposite sex sitting right next to you.
Treating your partner like a trophy and bragging to friends about their physical nature or sharing intimate details about them, etc.
Frequently telling them how pretty or hot this or that other person is (not you).
Frequently hanging out with members of the opposite sex in a non-friend status environment and then telling you that you can't have friends of the opposite sex but they can.
Answering cell phones during sex.
Knowingly carrying on an emotional affair and cheating on your partner and lying right under their nose.
Implying that they would like you better if you had bigger this or smaller that (use your imagination with that one).
Frequently ignoring calls, texts or communication in general (also known as passive-aggressive).
Emotional abuse. I don't want to remember the numerous times I was called stupid, a b**ch, a c**nt, etc. In both of my failed marriages. I was just as guilty, throwing back and going toe to toe in insults and hurts. These things have no place in a loving relationship EVER.
Physical abuse - this is where I drew the line and why I am now a single mom - pulling hair, pushing, slapping, etc is getting physical and none of that ever needs to be accepted and that was my one mistake, not drawing my line of boundaries and what I will and will not accept sooner rather than later. I justified to stay because it was when they were "not sober" so somehow that makes it OK? Nope - regardless of the circumstances and even what you may say or do, it's never OK. No one ever "deserves" physical abuse and no one makes you do anything, period.
Breaking into e-mail accounts, facebook, and searching phones for texts, calls and frequently accusing you of cheating when there is not even a shred of evidence that this could be happening. *I'm going to admit I totally did this but then of course I justified it because I found out about my partner cheating later on so my suspicions were valid, but it's still not acceptable behavior - respect and trust should be big enough to where this line is never crossed. The truth will eventually come out regardless without trying to seek it out and throw the dagger in deeper into your heart if you are the one being cheated on.
I still think my exes loved me - but I don't think they truly knew how to love someone else fully and completely because honestly, I believe they have some self hate from their past and you need to love yourself and be OK with your good and bad before you can love another. I was guilty of that too - I had low self esteem, I believed that this is what I deserved and that is just the way things were. Not until I left did I get strength, self worth, and complete healing for myself. I contributed to the failures but I also realized if I would have had my self worth and knew what I deserved in a man in the first place, I never would have picked them or allowed that behavior to begin with. That being said - do I have regrets? No. I have two beautiful and amazing children that I am blessed with and I have peace right now. My life is good. I wish more women out there that have had similar experiences could be where I am right now.
I also wish women out there would not just settle. That's what I did - I got with the first man I fell in love with and was intimate with - I believed the age old lie that love will conquer all - love only conquers when both people involved are living and leading with love. Second marriage I got pregnant while we were dating so we got married - I wanted to do the right thing and then again BELIEVED that no matter what - we could get through stuff and love would pull us through because we made life together and we did love each other. Love can only conquer addiction when the person struggling is willing and ready to surrender. I can't make them do that - it's all inside of the own person's will and want and desire for their life. That desire to do the right thing has to be better and bigger than their want to use.
With all this being said, I have no ill-will or unforgiveness toward my exes - I really do want them to experience a life like I am now living - and I still pray for them. Anyone can turn their life around, they just have to move toward doing the right thing consistently, they need wiser and older people to latch on to so they can learn and grow and do what they did to get what they got. It's work, most people want to do whatever they want to do when they want to do it. That is the "I want it now" mentality in our society. I had to decide if I wanted to continue on a path of a dysfunctional and toxic relationship with kids involved or move on. I had to move on. My children don't need to be exposed to things if they don't have to. I would have been selfish to keep them in a marriage that is a horrible example of how a man and woman are supposed to communicate, live and love. It would have been selfish because the only reason I would have been doing it and why I would have stayed was to not be alone, and what would people think of me if I'm twice divorced? Ha, yes my people pleasing came out there - frankly I don't care anymore. My life is my life and I know what I want and need from this point forward and if people want to judge me, go for it. I know who I am now inside and what I have to offer.
This brings me to my next declaration for myself and a plea for women to think about their own self worth in current and future relationships and then I'm done. I screwed up twice and did it my way - look what happened. Two failed marriages and less than relationships because I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and I allowed my current situations to remain because I didn't have self worth or a firm set of boundaries in my life back then. I don't take it back or regret my past because it has all brought me to where I am today - in a good place!
For all the women out there - we hold all the cards. We are the backbones of most marriages - we are the ones that toil, that do the day to day and some of us do all that and work full time like me if you are a single mom. We raise up our children and do the right thing. We DESPERATELY want our partner, husband, boyfriend to do the right thing. The truth is if they aren't doing the right thing to begin with, we need to move on. We can't change men - trust me I have tried and failed each time. You need to accept your partner for who they are, for the good and the bad and if you don't like what you see, move on. So my first two marriages I did backward. I jumped right in, confused the relationship with sex and screwed it all up. I say yes or no in the bedroom, it's not for the man to decide. Women we are the gatekeepers to LIFE. The truth is, if we all had firm and set boundaries - there would be no physical abuse because no woman would ever, ever accept that behavior. There would be no "other woman" for the abuser to go to because we would never allow it to happen and the men would have no choice but to treat women with respect or become really best friends with their hand.
I will probably not get any dates from this point forward - which I'm not even going to consider a date until 2014 anyway but I'm not giving it up - Why would any man want to marry me again if I hold the one key to intimacy in my back pocket and give it up in week 3 of dating? Then, the man has everything he wants, a girl, sex - why on earth would he even need or want to marry you unless you throw an ultimatum out there? This will also totally cut down on my dating pool and now my window will be pretty limited, but it will weed out all the playboys anyway, I seemed to pick the bad boys in the past anyway.
Maybe, just maybe there are men out there in the same age range as me that have done marriage or relationships before that totally didn't work out the way they did it and maybe, just maybe want to try it the right way?? This is not a prude issue for me, this is not a religious issue for me - this is about my self worth! I am worth waiting for and I know that any man that truly takes me seriously, wants to get to know me and doesn't just want to pursue me for my BODY or as a notch off his belt in his pursuit of women is someone worth getting to know, too. Any man or woman can jump in a bed and have sex together - it's our fleshly desire but when finding a mate - a true life partner that I really would want to spend the rest of my life with without the sexual element, it's going to be done right this time and I'm going to be worth the wait. I wish a few other women out there would try it - we are worth more than whatever men desire. We too easily give into what the men want instead of our true desire for a loving and desirable relationship. Instead, we settle for how the man wants to treat us. If I'm meant to be celibate and alone the rest of my life, so be it but I'm not screwing it up again. If I ever end up getting re-married it will be for life and it will be with a mate that is equally yoked to me - that is on the same page, has the same wants, desires, values and enjoys doing life with me and wants me for me, and not for my body or how good I am in bed.
When being with someone makes life hard and miserable and both parties don't want to do the work to fix it (I am all for reconciliation but it has to be from two willing parties) - what's the point? Life is too short. So there is my proclamation - I will probably get props from some women and laughs from the men - I don't care. This is my life and I will live it for myself and no one else from this point forward. I will do as I please and if there is someone out there like me great, if not - then I will stay a single mom and continue my life peace filled and knowing that there are marriages out there that endure and I admire that. My sister will be celebrating 20 years this year, and my parents will be at 43 years this year. Kudos to them - no marriage is perfect and every one has it's struggles but it shouldn't be that hard if you are on the same page and moving forward in life and at the same pace. For me it would be a pretty awesome experience to get to know my husband, in that way on that wedding night knowing that it's just the two of us till death do us part and that we fell in love with our souls, instead of our bodies from the get go - the right way.
To answer my own question from the first paragraph - Do I know what love is? I believe I do now. Love is not sacrifice like I first thought, it's death. Love is dying to your own wants, needs and desires and putting someone else before you. I do this many times with my children, but I never did with my exes because I wanted to be in control and I still didn't truly love myself. If both parties are dying to themselves everyday and have the other person in mind first, how can it not work? So for me, love is death. Dying to your own desires first and putting another in front of you for me is what true love is.
What is the main reason you wouldn't wait until your wedding night to become intimate if you are currently single? For me it could be maybe it won't be that great, or simply because of my fleshly desires I wouldn't want to wait. Self control is really, really hard sometimes.
Slapping your partner on the rear while drooling over the person of the opposite sex sitting right next to you.
Treating your partner like a trophy and bragging to friends about their physical nature or sharing intimate details about them, etc.
Frequently telling them how pretty or hot this or that other person is (not you).
Frequently hanging out with members of the opposite sex in a non-friend status environment and then telling you that you can't have friends of the opposite sex but they can.
Answering cell phones during sex.
Knowingly carrying on an emotional affair and cheating on your partner and lying right under their nose.
Implying that they would like you better if you had bigger this or smaller that (use your imagination with that one).
Frequently ignoring calls, texts or communication in general (also known as passive-aggressive).
Emotional abuse. I don't want to remember the numerous times I was called stupid, a b**ch, a c**nt, etc. In both of my failed marriages. I was just as guilty, throwing back and going toe to toe in insults and hurts. These things have no place in a loving relationship EVER.
Physical abuse - this is where I drew the line and why I am now a single mom - pulling hair, pushing, slapping, etc is getting physical and none of that ever needs to be accepted and that was my one mistake, not drawing my line of boundaries and what I will and will not accept sooner rather than later. I justified to stay because it was when they were "not sober" so somehow that makes it OK? Nope - regardless of the circumstances and even what you may say or do, it's never OK. No one ever "deserves" physical abuse and no one makes you do anything, period.
Breaking into e-mail accounts, facebook, and searching phones for texts, calls and frequently accusing you of cheating when there is not even a shred of evidence that this could be happening. *I'm going to admit I totally did this but then of course I justified it because I found out about my partner cheating later on so my suspicions were valid, but it's still not acceptable behavior - respect and trust should be big enough to where this line is never crossed. The truth will eventually come out regardless without trying to seek it out and throw the dagger in deeper into your heart if you are the one being cheated on.
I still think my exes loved me - but I don't think they truly knew how to love someone else fully and completely because honestly, I believe they have some self hate from their past and you need to love yourself and be OK with your good and bad before you can love another. I was guilty of that too - I had low self esteem, I believed that this is what I deserved and that is just the way things were. Not until I left did I get strength, self worth, and complete healing for myself. I contributed to the failures but I also realized if I would have had my self worth and knew what I deserved in a man in the first place, I never would have picked them or allowed that behavior to begin with. That being said - do I have regrets? No. I have two beautiful and amazing children that I am blessed with and I have peace right now. My life is good. I wish more women out there that have had similar experiences could be where I am right now.
I also wish women out there would not just settle. That's what I did - I got with the first man I fell in love with and was intimate with - I believed the age old lie that love will conquer all - love only conquers when both people involved are living and leading with love. Second marriage I got pregnant while we were dating so we got married - I wanted to do the right thing and then again BELIEVED that no matter what - we could get through stuff and love would pull us through because we made life together and we did love each other. Love can only conquer addiction when the person struggling is willing and ready to surrender. I can't make them do that - it's all inside of the own person's will and want and desire for their life. That desire to do the right thing has to be better and bigger than their want to use.
With all this being said, I have no ill-will or unforgiveness toward my exes - I really do want them to experience a life like I am now living - and I still pray for them. Anyone can turn their life around, they just have to move toward doing the right thing consistently, they need wiser and older people to latch on to so they can learn and grow and do what they did to get what they got. It's work, most people want to do whatever they want to do when they want to do it. That is the "I want it now" mentality in our society. I had to decide if I wanted to continue on a path of a dysfunctional and toxic relationship with kids involved or move on. I had to move on. My children don't need to be exposed to things if they don't have to. I would have been selfish to keep them in a marriage that is a horrible example of how a man and woman are supposed to communicate, live and love. It would have been selfish because the only reason I would have been doing it and why I would have stayed was to not be alone, and what would people think of me if I'm twice divorced? Ha, yes my people pleasing came out there - frankly I don't care anymore. My life is my life and I know what I want and need from this point forward and if people want to judge me, go for it. I know who I am now inside and what I have to offer.
This brings me to my next declaration for myself and a plea for women to think about their own self worth in current and future relationships and then I'm done. I screwed up twice and did it my way - look what happened. Two failed marriages and less than relationships because I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and I allowed my current situations to remain because I didn't have self worth or a firm set of boundaries in my life back then. I don't take it back or regret my past because it has all brought me to where I am today - in a good place!
For all the women out there - we hold all the cards. We are the backbones of most marriages - we are the ones that toil, that do the day to day and some of us do all that and work full time like me if you are a single mom. We raise up our children and do the right thing. We DESPERATELY want our partner, husband, boyfriend to do the right thing. The truth is if they aren't doing the right thing to begin with, we need to move on. We can't change men - trust me I have tried and failed each time. You need to accept your partner for who they are, for the good and the bad and if you don't like what you see, move on. So my first two marriages I did backward. I jumped right in, confused the relationship with sex and screwed it all up. I say yes or no in the bedroom, it's not for the man to decide. Women we are the gatekeepers to LIFE. The truth is, if we all had firm and set boundaries - there would be no physical abuse because no woman would ever, ever accept that behavior. There would be no "other woman" for the abuser to go to because we would never allow it to happen and the men would have no choice but to treat women with respect or become really best friends with their hand.
I will probably not get any dates from this point forward - which I'm not even going to consider a date until 2014 anyway but I'm not giving it up - Why would any man want to marry me again if I hold the one key to intimacy in my back pocket and give it up in week 3 of dating? Then, the man has everything he wants, a girl, sex - why on earth would he even need or want to marry you unless you throw an ultimatum out there? This will also totally cut down on my dating pool and now my window will be pretty limited, but it will weed out all the playboys anyway, I seemed to pick the bad boys in the past anyway.
Maybe, just maybe there are men out there in the same age range as me that have done marriage or relationships before that totally didn't work out the way they did it and maybe, just maybe want to try it the right way?? This is not a prude issue for me, this is not a religious issue for me - this is about my self worth! I am worth waiting for and I know that any man that truly takes me seriously, wants to get to know me and doesn't just want to pursue me for my BODY or as a notch off his belt in his pursuit of women is someone worth getting to know, too. Any man or woman can jump in a bed and have sex together - it's our fleshly desire but when finding a mate - a true life partner that I really would want to spend the rest of my life with without the sexual element, it's going to be done right this time and I'm going to be worth the wait. I wish a few other women out there would try it - we are worth more than whatever men desire. We too easily give into what the men want instead of our true desire for a loving and desirable relationship. Instead, we settle for how the man wants to treat us. If I'm meant to be celibate and alone the rest of my life, so be it but I'm not screwing it up again. If I ever end up getting re-married it will be for life and it will be with a mate that is equally yoked to me - that is on the same page, has the same wants, desires, values and enjoys doing life with me and wants me for me, and not for my body or how good I am in bed.
When being with someone makes life hard and miserable and both parties don't want to do the work to fix it (I am all for reconciliation but it has to be from two willing parties) - what's the point? Life is too short. So there is my proclamation - I will probably get props from some women and laughs from the men - I don't care. This is my life and I will live it for myself and no one else from this point forward. I will do as I please and if there is someone out there like me great, if not - then I will stay a single mom and continue my life peace filled and knowing that there are marriages out there that endure and I admire that. My sister will be celebrating 20 years this year, and my parents will be at 43 years this year. Kudos to them - no marriage is perfect and every one has it's struggles but it shouldn't be that hard if you are on the same page and moving forward in life and at the same pace. For me it would be a pretty awesome experience to get to know my husband, in that way on that wedding night knowing that it's just the two of us till death do us part and that we fell in love with our souls, instead of our bodies from the get go - the right way.
To answer my own question from the first paragraph - Do I know what love is? I believe I do now. Love is not sacrifice like I first thought, it's death. Love is dying to your own wants, needs and desires and putting someone else before you. I do this many times with my children, but I never did with my exes because I wanted to be in control and I still didn't truly love myself. If both parties are dying to themselves everyday and have the other person in mind first, how can it not work? So for me, love is death. Dying to your own desires first and putting another in front of you for me is what true love is.
What is the main reason you wouldn't wait until your wedding night to become intimate if you are currently single? For me it could be maybe it won't be that great, or simply because of my fleshly desires I wouldn't want to wait. Self control is really, really hard sometimes.
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