Today marks over a year for me to only be living with myself and my children. I wouldn't even have remembered the the fact that it was around this time last year unless it wasn't for a recent event that brought back and triggered a lot of memories I experienced in 2012 around this time. As I was speaking with my sponsor - I had to sit back and reflect on the progress I have made, even though I have much further to go. Progress is for me to know where I am currently, know where I ultimately want to be and also who I want to become. Earlier this week was a test for me and I would have to say if I was being graded, I would have passed, maybe like an 85 out of 100 but way better than where I would have gone one year ago. I definitely would have failed a year ago, no doubt. The sad thing is I had been in recovery for a good 11 months in early 2012 but it took that long for me to get strength, clarity and enough truth to realize that I had to make decisions first and foremost for myself and my children instead of the person I was unhealthily enmeshed in deep co-dependency with. I wanted to save them, help them but ultimately I created some extreme toxicity by trying to control, manipulate and fix all to no avail.
If you hurt me, boy I was going to dig just as deep and go off. I was going to make you pay if you went there. Horrible things would be said, extremely juvenile actions would be taken by me - I would get right down to the other person's level and fight in the trenches with them. Even though I gained a lot of communication tools within my recovery, it was much easier to go back to my old habits and it was a very slow process for me. I didn't really see the extreme co-dependency I had until I was out of it. I was too connected and intertwined. I had lost me - actually I don't think I ever knew me, I was always focused on others, my children included. I also realized my motives were all wrong, trying to do something to get a specific reaction, or choosing to do something to jeopardize my beliefs because I was a huge people pleaser. Sometimes it can be debilitating if you end up making decisions for others because the resentment and anger comes even though it was you that made those decisions, not them. I am still working hard to ensure my kids grow up as individuals and do not have to rely too much on me, or we will repeat some of the same negative behaviors I had practiced for so long.
The feelings I felt this week were pretty extreme. I don't think I have had those feelings, well for about a year. Anger, borderline boiling anger, disbelief, betrayal, frustration that people don't operate like I do by sticking by their word or walking in integrity which ultimately equals honesty. I could have chosen to do SOO many things I would have regretted later but I believe I practiced the most self control I have had in a very long time, if ever. I was able to process my feelings - accept them for what they were and realize I had totally been taken advantage of, so what was I going to do about it? I ultimately decided to reset my boundaries to ensure protection and to make sure that never happens to me again. I realized that my emotions just are - they are neither good nor bad and that's ok. For me what matters most is how I react to my emotions. I could have sought revenge and then I realized the best revenge is living your best life and not allowing people to bring you right down with them. I was able to keep my peace even though I had those feelings. I truly believe now that the term of turning the other cheek really is about rising above all of the BS and negativity that people throw at you mostly to get a reaction or to just project their miserable state onto you. Turning the other cheek is not getting revenge, not even showing them you are angry, just moving on and not letting someone else affect your peace. It's not fighting fire with fire but loving that person anyway no matter how many times they have hurt you. No don't mis-understand me continuing to love the person no matter what does not mean you have to put up with being mistreated or to be an enabler. You can set firm boundaries with someone and still pray for them and tell them you love them, you just hate their choices in life. No matter what someone says or does to you, you can choose how that other person affects you. You can let them in and ruin your day, or you can transcend and move on. I chose to state my feelings, stick with the facts of what happened, and form a plan to ensure I cannot be affected by that person again in the same way.
In the past year I have also had to process the loss. Even though toward the end things were really, really bad I still have a loss of love, of the relationship, of the family. You don't just have two children with someone if there wasn't something there to begin with. I wish things were different, but the aren't. My life is what it is right now and I am constantly reminded that I am moving on with my life, attempting to learn, grow and stay aware in a truth based reality (not my previously made up one that was wrapped up in denial for so long). I have accountability now if I do in fact start veering off course and showing some pretty bad character defects.
I am a work in progress and I would only wish what I went through to happen to someone else if they were able to learn and grow from a really hard time. I had to look inward instead of outward, seek help and make changes. Being a former co-dependent control freak, I truly used to believe there was nothing wrong with me and it was just the relationships I used to be in, and it was all the other person's fault. Humility and personal responsibility is a huge sobering reality that came with a lot of guilt for me - but the key was that I didn't dwell on the mistakes I made - I had to accept them and know that no matter what I had done, God has forgiven me since I believe in him and completed step 5. The best amends are living amends which is proving to the world, yourself and others that you do have the capacity for change and growth and that you finally choose to live a different way no matter what you have done in your past. Sure, you have to be extremely humble, gain other people's trust back slowly by showing them you want to live a different way, and you have to show that by consistent action towards doing the right thing.
Everyone on this earth can manifest character and integrity into their lives even if they are the most unreliable and unbelievable people you would know. I have met so many people who have transformed into a completely different person thanks to doing the work required and changing the way they think and replacing the lies they have believed for so long with truth. We are not just talking minor things here - we are talking addictions, lying, stealing, cheating, co-dependency, severe anxiety, deep and major depression - you name it major character defects have been overcome and replaced by virtues for those who want it. It's not easy and there's no short cut to get to doing the right thing, but for those that are willing and truly give up it all up to God and let him do the work - that is where the healing can begin. Coming from one that still struggles well with control, I have had to give so many things to God over and over again to slowly start to live a different live. I still screw up, I still make mistakes, but I attempt to 'make them good' as promptly as I can and I keep in frequent communication with my sponsor if I happen to be doing something I think is right, but in reality my motive could be all wrong.
I reflected on the past year this week, acknowledged the hurt, pain and struggles I experienced but also look forward to a new year, new life and new beginnings that await me in 2013. I recently made a major move to another city even though I was fearful and unsure if it was the right decision, I took a leap of faith and it is working out great for me. I have peace, I live in a super fit town, all of the goals I can accomplish this year can be done in Austin, TX. The only way I realized I can move forward was by letting go of the past. Truly letting go of my past relationships - focusing on myself and my children and keep putting my wants, desires and worries in my God box. I have to accept that I have made mistakes, I went through a hard time but in the long run I am better for it now than I ever was. I am thankful for my hardships because they forced me to choose what I want, what I need and to really force me to take a long and hard look at myself and no one else.
If you want to learn more about a successful process for changing your life for the better, check out www.celebraterecovery.com to find a group near you. It's been a life changing experience for me after I got over the stigma of "recovery". We are all broken and flawed in some way, why not get some healing instead of pretending everything is ok. I wore a mask for a really long time telling the world everything is all right, when it was really all so very wrong. The good news is no matter how dark a place you may or may not be in, you can always choose to change yourself because in the end, you are the only thing you can control in this world, and I learned that the really hard way.
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