Mentor:
1. A wise and trusted counselor or teacher.
2. An influential senior sponsor and supporter.
Sponsor (using the two entries that are relevant):
1. A person who vouches or is responsible for another.
2. A person who makes a pledge or promise on behalf of another.
I like the mentor definition best - my sponsor is a wise and trusted person that I go to for many questions and issues I have regarding my motives, my emotions and sometimes just to vent. I am not judged by her, I am accepted and then counseled for what the RIGHT thing to do is, not just how I might be feeling at that moment. Most of the time my first reaction based only on my feelings is the wrong one. I could also call her an accountability partner but she is much more than that.
I am in recovery and found my sponsor at celebrate recovery. You can find a mentor or sponsor anywhere, but CR was the best place for me because I have relationship issues and people pleasing issues and control issues and I chose someone that has been through similar situations as mine and has come out on the other side and has been able to have a great life regardless of what she has been through. Her life is still full of some chaos and some hard decisions, but she still keeps her peace by enforcing her boundaries and taking care of herself. I have an example to go off of, some encouragement that even though right now I don't like where I am and I do not like being a single mom, I am living life the best way I know how right now for myself and my kids. I also know it won't always be this way.
My sponsor has already been through the other side of what I am going through right now so I can lean on her to get through this. Life is not meant to be done alone - for anyone. I had to seek out help though, I had to go outside of my regular circles to where I could get all the validation I needed to justify my wrong decisions and actions through friends or family because they are always going to be on my team - regardless of whether what I am doing is the best thing for myself and my kids. My mentor on the other hand, she will call me out for getting out of my lane. She will tell me when my action might be backed by the wrong motive. We have lots of slogans at CR and I love it because I know exactly what she means when she tells me I'm getting out of my lane - when I am getting in someone else's business or want to say something to someone that frankly is none of my business or not of my concern. I gave her permission and I look forward to her corrections because it means I am learning and growing based on the mistakes I still freely choose to make.
I have probably called her the most last month because December was a really difficult time for me, a lot of decisions were made, a lot of feelings I didn't want to feel were felt but I got through it. I am moving forward and I luckily have some clarity and confirmation that the decisions I made were the right ones even though some will not agree. I am OK with that fact because I know in my heart of hearts that my decisions were heavily weighed, prayed upon, and run by many different people I considered mentors in my professional life and I know that what I am doing in the long run will benefit my children even though there will be an adjustment period in between.
I also want to clearly state that I still totally get out of my lane, say things and do things out of a reaction to my feelings instead of thinking it through and calling my sponsor first. It is a struggle with me because my addiction and issue was/is with my ex, and we have two children together so it's not like I can just never talk to him again. I have to do the right thing regardless of how I feel. It's so hard to explain my feelings in regards to that situation and I don't think anyone can relate to me unless they have been in a very co-dependent type of relationship or a relationship that is a love addiction scenario but in this case, that is not a good thing. I didn't want it to end, I didn't want to put my kids through a divorce but I also didn't want to live a life that was not what God wanted for any of us. I want to be equally yoked with someone and when two people are on two different planets in regards to their wants needs and what is most important in life (mainly your priorities), it doesn't work. Everyone has a choice in this life and you can either live based on what you want when you want it, or you can choose a different way. I chose the hard way. I always tell my kids that that the easy way is the wrong way and the right way is the hard way. It's not easy to walk out attempting to do the right thing everyday. When I do the wrong thing, I promptly admit it. I had to apologize for withholding the move from my ex for a week. I wanted him to enjoy his Christmas with the kids and not worry about the fact we would be in a different city soon. I totally judged that one wrong. My motive wasn't to hurt or deceive, it was to attempt to time the delivery right, but now I know just to be upfront and prompt in regards to the kids from this point forward because that is what I would have wanted - I was getting into assuming what he would have wanted instead of just doing the right thing. Lesson learned.
I used to have motives that were not good - I did things to please others, I did things to gain approval from others, I did things to try and get the response I wanted out of the other person and fought evil for evil because I was hurt and it always backfired every time. The only thing I got out of people pleasing was losing myself and not knowing what I really want and need and the only thing I ever got out of trying to control someone was more heartache and pain because I can only control myself, but I sure did try and for so long. For the first time I am actually attempting to have pure motives in all of my decisions that some can say are selfish - but that's in a good way. You have to take care of yourself first to be able to take care of others and you have to know what you want and need to be in relationship with someone else which is why I am now single because I am figuring me out. I am just focusing on replacing all my jacked up habits with good ones and my sponsor is helping me with that. I am a work in progress but it's so nice and awesome to actually have someone to go to that I know has my best interest at heart for me, that I gave permission to call me out on anything that is not the right thing, and to help me out and lead me down the right path.
I honestly do not know where I would be or what crazy things I would have done in 2012 had I not had a sponsor that has been there for me, that I can count on and also for my willingness to totally utilize her. If you are interested in celebrate recovery, finding a sponsor and doing life a different way, go to www.celebraterecovery.com
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