With those two definitions and myself being more and more aware of who I want to be, what choices I want to make and what new character I want to possess, this week was a lesson in developing my new character!
The old me made decisions and actions based on what I thought the other person wanted to hear from me, not really what was the best or right decision. (I can thank my people pleasing character defect for that). The old me used to act a certain way in hopes that another person would react in said way I believed they would if I did this or that. (I can thank my control issues for those previous mistakes). Unfortunately, I still struggle with this in dealing with my 6 year old son. It is sometimes very hard to speak the truth in love to a 6 year old (or my two year old daughter for that matter) when you are in the middle of pulling your hair out because of whatever situation with your kids that can drive you crazy if you let it.
I had some successes this week - my first grader got to school on time all week and I got to work on time all but the first day because I stuck around and made sure my boy would have a great day in his new first grader environment. The other success was getting Declin to school 5 minutes before the 8 am bell instead of giving him a hug at the front door as the 8am bell is ringing - hey small steps are better than none, right? I am working on getting him there promptly at 7:50 so he has time to transition into learning when the 8am bell rings, but that will require a few tweaks on my part. First off I have to make sure the right clothes are ready for him. My son is very particular about his shorts - they have to be comfortable and they have to be the colors he likes. The other issue are his shoes. Unfortunately, if Declin had his choice he would live in crocs 24 hours a day. That is not very realistic on P.E. day. I do have to fight my battles as we will go to a store, buy a brand new pair of shoes that he loves - he wears them all day the first day we get them, then next day of school in the morning he hates them - they hurt or they feel funny or he all of a sudden doesn't like them. The other issues are the socks. "The crease feels funny mom", "They are too big or too small, too tight or too loose" or some mornings "I hate these socks, mom.". What is a mom to do? Sometimes I just give up the fight and let him wear the crocs. If he has to sit out at P.E. - so be it that is his choice, not mine.
So one morning I lost it and yelled and couldn't believe all of a sudden these shoes he wore all day before wouldn't work this morning for school. I yelled and I was not nice. I had to apologize and admit I was wrong. That is a hard thing to do in front of your own child. I realize if I did not apologize, then my kids would believe yelling and screaming are acceptable or OK and it's not. Talk about pushing your ego and pride aside - aren't parent's always supposed to be right? Oh wait - that is my lie of perfectionism creeping in that I have to be good and right and perfect at everything. The real truth is how would my kids learn right from wrong if I didn't display some negative examples every once in a while so I can give an example of how NOT to act. The key is to own up to my wrong behavior and teach my children that you need to promptly admit when you are wrong and own up to your own behavior and choices. That is a huge new thing for me but I have to teach this life lesson whether I like it or not.
My second further development of my character came Friday when I dropped my son off to school and said "Don't forget to tell the teacher I will be picking you up at 3pm - see you then." I am very blessed to be able to work from home on Friday's and I get my son at 3pm so he doesn't have to stay in the after school program on Friday. He is also a great helper with his sister so it works out well. Little did I know my daughter would get a rash with pain that could not be ignored later in the day and by the time I made the doctor appointment all they had available was a 2:15 appointment. I knew I wouldn't be done by 3 - it is a minimum hour excursion to the doctor every time. I sent an e-mail to Declin's teacher and apologized that I wouldn't be there at 3 and to send Declin to the after school program. The doctor appointment was over by 3:20 so I promptly and quickly drove to pick Declin up because my guilt was creeping up and I felt really bad. I pick him up and he's not happy to see me.
We get in the car, he sits in his booster with knees up, arms crossed over his knees, head buried down in his crossed arms with sounds of light sobs. Here it is - my failure of the day - the broken promise - essentially I lied to him because what I told him would happen did not happen at all. I am very happy that Declin articulated his emotions so well and said "Mom, I'm upset because I had to go to PACE (the after school program) and you said you would get me at three - you lied." He totally called it. The old me would justify, minimize and say - I didn't lie - things just didn't go as planned. Even though I did not intentionally lie to my son, it still turned out as a lie because my commitment to him was not fulfilled. I said "you are absolutely right son and I'm so sorry - please forgive me."
That is hard to say as well - isn't my son the one supposed to be saying that to me for all the "I hate yous" or the temper tantrums because he doesn't get the toy he wants at Target? I learned some humility on Friday. The funny part of all this is the end of the conversation: "Mom, I am also upset because you came and got me from PACE. If you send me to PACE on a Friday again, please don't pick me up until the end." Really? I wasn't exactly prepared for that response. Sometimes I really think my kids want to be with me all the time. Ha. Well at least I know my son loves his after school program! We just made an agreement. I validated his feelings and apologized. I also let him know that from this point on if I miss the commitment again of picking him up at 3 on a Friday it will only be if Deirdre is sick or something has happened (Last year my truck was totaled and that was the only other time I didn't get him at 3pm as I had to wait for the tow truck and get a rental car). I also agreed that if he has to go to PACE on a Friday, I won't get him until close to 6pm so he can play with his friends.
And last but not least my other test of my character came when I inadvertently door dinged a co-worker's car at work this week and seriously debated on telling them or not. And of course it had to be a very expensive car at that. The old me would have just been like "no one saw, it's OK" but then I have recently learned that you can lie by omission. That truth hurts as well. I sat on the reality that I did that for a couple of hours and eventually had to own up to it. I am waiting to see how much that will cost me, but no matter what at least I know I did the right thing even though it exposed my very embarrassing trait of not paying attention to my surroundings all the time. Clumsy could be my
The more I am here on this earth and the older I get the more I think life is like school - just a bunch of tests along the way. What matters is whether you do what is right or wrong based on the situation that is presented in front of you. The truth is you always have a choice to do the right thing - no matter how bad it is or how bad you think it is. I cannot name ONE time to where I have told the truth in a situation and received the negative or explosive response that I feared and imagined would happen. I have also realized the truth does set me free - now I don't have guilt for not telling said person I door dinged their car. I don't have guilt that I minimized my son's feelings by not telling him he was right and that I did end up lying to him even though it wasn't intentional. I owned up to my own choices and behaviors and attempted to make it right as much as I could.
We all make mistakes - we all hurt people - especially the ones we love but what matters is how we make our attempt to make our mistakes right and how we address other people's emotions when we were in the wrong. It takes a lot inside for me to admit I'm wrong and to ask someone to forgive me. The more I practice these principles, the better I feel at night when I go to sleep - my slate is clean and I am ready for the next day. I don't have an icky feeling at the end of the day and not know why because I have some unfinished business with someone or that I need to go back and fess up to something I did. My goal is peace the older I get and the more I live my life and try to make the best decisions I can - the right ones, the more peace I gain no matter what tests are thrown my way. I'm looking forward to many more tests in this life and also enjoying the moments that are most important to me - time with my family, time with nature, taking care of myself in a healthy way and taking each day as it comes with no expectations. I may sound like a really boring person these days but I am filling my soul with what is important to me instead of what is important to the world. It's not easy but it is rewarding to me and what keeps me going is peace I gain each day from knowing I'm making right decisions most of the time, and if I'm not I'm at least owning up to my wrongs and attempting to make them right.
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