Just like Edwin Starr's song "War" from the 60's I now believe that if you allow assumptions to rule your life, you can equate it to a war in your mind. In case you don't know what song I am talking about, I am linking Bruce Springsteen's version because he probably made it more famous than Edwin Starr ever did. I am also posting the link to Bruce's video because I think my father would be proud that I reference "The Boss" as he is a huge Bruce Springsteen fan and I do thank him for taking me to so many cool concerts growing up so that I can have a true appreciation for rock n' roll. Now let's get to the heart of the matter (Any Don Henley fans out there? Another great artist I can thank my dad for sharing with me :)
What is an assumption? The dictionary definition is: the act of taking for granted or supposing. Synonyms: presumption; presupposition. Now let's break it down more - what does presumption mean? Here is the definition of presuming which hits the nail on the head: to assume as true in the absence of proof to the contrary.
Now let's go back to middle school and high school and I will just speak for myself but hopefully someone else can relate. Do you remember your first crush or the person you first were interested in or wanted to "go with". Now that might show how old I am but in my days you didn't date, you were "going together". So think back to the first time you were interested in someone - that puppy love, the imagining of MARRYING that boy and spending all that time with him - writing my name with "HIS" last name over and over again in between classes and passing notes to each other in the hall. Imagining a happily ever after with a house, 2.5 kids, a dog or cat and a white picket fence (Damn you Disney fairytales!) My crazy brain just wanted to focus on HIM and not me. Now I look back and go - oh that's where my obsessive thinking started. At the time, I thought it was "LOVE" (oh, how foolish of me). I at least hope every female out there can relate - I have no idea what boys did with their first crush but maybe their thought patterns were similar. When I was a teenager I thought nothing of the way I felt or what I believed in my head was possibly wrong or unhealthy. "Does he REALLY like me, like me" or did he just want to 'go with me' because he heard through other friends that I liked him? These were some of the what if's that I played out in my head. I was too nervous to just bluntly ask the boy if he really liked me or if he succumbed to peer pressure in deciding to 'go with me' because of the urging of others. I realize now that if I would have had the guts to ask those type of questions back then, my life might look a lot different right now. But c'est la vie - right? I could beat myself up about it, but I choose to be thankful that I am trying to figure things out now for myself and my possible future. You know, the future I actually dream of. I do believe a girl can still dream and now more than ever I actually know what I am looking for which is a huge improvement of where I used to be.
The important thing now is that at my age I am actually learning how destructive assumptions can be. As I reflect on my life I actually let some of my assumptions that I had made about others, or events in my life really affect me as a person and that is not healthy. I have let some assumptions manifest into anxiety which affects me physically. For the first time ever I am learning to filter some of my thoughts and before I let in crazy assumptions or what if's (I envision myself running on a hamster wheel that just goes around and around which is essentially the same as never ending insanity). I have to ask myself if the thought is TRUE or NOT TRUE. I am not a mind reader, even though I like to believe I have a certain level of intuition, I am no Clark Kent or Edward from Twilight. As much as I would love to be able to see through walls or sparkle in the sunlight, I am just like everyone else. The truth is, if I want to know what someone is thinking - I have to ask them what they are thinking. This can apply to everything - friends, family, co-workers and even my children. The truth is so many people might care so much what the other person might think about them and ASSUME that the other person doesn't like them or doesn't want to get to know them better so they are afraid to ask the hard questions because of a fear of the outcome or answer. Well, let's break it down - what is the worst that could happen if you ask the question? What you feared may be true? Ok, so that is what you already assumed - so you must be prepared for the answer and then it can't really be all that bad, right? I would rather know than not know and to allow myself to keep manifesting assumptions in my head.
My truth and past experiences prove that most of the time what I assumed and thought in my head really was not true at all and that is where I would expend and exert so much energy into a situation that turned out to be totally made up in my head in the first place. That is how assumptions kill; they steal your peace and take away your time within the current moment. The good news is that you don't have to keep assuming, you have a choice. So what tools do I use to combat assumptions? The first one is what I mentioned earlier - is my thought or assumption true or not true? 99% of the time it is questionable at that moment it enters my head which opens that lovely door to my hamster wheel of insanity. What I have to do is not allow those thoughts to come in and wait to talk to the person or share with them my assumptions or just ask the question that will confirm or deny my assumption. That really sounds so much easier than it really is. The waiting is the hardest part, huh? Yes, I had to throw Tom Petty in there, too. The other tool I can use is repeating back to someone what they have told me because I might interpret what they said in a different way as we all like to hear what we want to hear sometimes, don't we (selective listening)?
I feel like these days, no one talks anymore. It's either texting, e-mailing, facebooking or blogging. I'd rather have a face to face conversation so I can actually read the person's body language and let them know I'm interested in what they have to say, but that's just me. Most of the time, trying to figure out tone in a text or e-mail is the hardest interpretation to make - you can't tell someone's tone in an e-mail or text - you can just assume tone which I think gets a lot of people on a hamster wheel because they don't pick up the phone or go to that person and clarify what they really meant in the e-mail or text. I encourage anyone that reads this that might have a situation they are unsure of or have something that is 'getting to them' - why not go ask the hard questions and get the answer? I would rather someone come and be honest with me about something than to never tell me and things be weird because they want to avoid conflict.
The truth is there can be constructive conflict, it just depends on how you go about it. I am an open book these days, if someone has an issue or assumption about me but never tells me or asks - that is their problem, not mine. There is nothing I can do to figure out the issue and overcome it if I am never told in the first place. I would rather have the hard conversations so I can build trust with that person, instead of tippy toeing around the issue so as not to 'go there'. I don't take criticism negatively anymore, everything these days for me is a learning experience so if I can become better from someone else's observations that I may not be aware of, I welcome it. I didn't used to be that way. I used to be defensive and a blamer because I didn't want to accept myself for the good and the bad. Now I delight in taking responsibility for me, as me, myself and I (Ok last musical reference, I promise) is all that I can currently control in this life. So far the journey with my new perspective is getting more and more interesting as I am now more aware of my actions, "my part" in everything and also more aware of the bigger picture that is going on around me. I will leave this blog with one of my favorite quotes about assumptions:
"A tornado of thought is unleashed after each new insight. This in turn results in an earthquake of assumptions. These are natural disasters that re-shape the spirit." - Vera Nazarian
