Today I am thankful for so many things. I recognize I don't have everything I would like to in life right now but I'm OK with that. I am slowly approaching that age where I no longer want to say I am a year older. It's no secret that not being a single mom for the rest of my life is one of the things I would like to be different but I have no control over that - actually I am not allowing myself to have control over that anymore - I gave it up.
I have gratitude for a great family, a great job and co-workers, two amazing children I would do anything for and a life that is actually for the most part drama free. I have peace and I was no where near this way 2-3 years ago so I am very thankful for the place I am in my life right now.
In terms of past relationships I used to be the pursuer, I was straight forward and went after what I wanted, and most of the time I got it. I am so glad I read the book "He's not that into you". If I had that information before I probably could have saved myself 20 years of 2 bad marriages but instead I need to be thankful for those as well because they brought me to where I am today.
I have gratitude for a great family, a great job and co-workers, two amazing children I would do anything for and a life that is actually for the most part drama free. I have peace and I was no where near this way 2-3 years ago so I am very thankful for the place I am in my life right now.
In terms of past relationships I used to be the pursuer, I was straight forward and went after what I wanted, and most of the time I got it. I am so glad I read the book "He's not that into you". If I had that information before I probably could have saved myself 20 years of 2 bad marriages but instead I need to be thankful for those as well because they brought me to where I am today.
I'm so thankful I am no longer that pursuer, no longer desperate enough for love or attention anymore to go seek it out and find it until I have reached my goal, which in the past was always to be in a long standing serious relationship so I would feel important. I realized I wanted that relationship for the wrong reasons, the relationship was part of my identity - instead of me being cool with who I am and then deciding to try and make something work with someone else who is also cool with who they are - I felt I needed that other person to be cool. I had it all wrong. Those two relationships which were very similar, were also different but I definitely learned from both what not to do and how not to act.
I am also thankful I have let all of my past hurts with those previous relationships go - because in my second marriage I realized I took so much of my trust issues, assumptions and negativity from my first and brought it into the next one even though this new relationship was much different than my first, it eerily ended up very similar in the end even though they were completely different circumstances and people. Trust is essential in a relationship and takes time to establish. I am still cautious and not as naive as I was in my past but now I rely on the actions of others to back up their words. If someone is not who they are portraying themselves to be, you will eventually find out the truth. I know one thing, I will no longer rush into something and get caught up in all the physicality of a relationship - it screws everything up from the start and then it's too late - emotions are invested and it's harder to break away.
I now get it - I am the woman! It's the guy's job to step up and pursue. To say how they really feel and to do what they say and say what they do. I just want to throw it out there to guys right now - looks aren't everything! I would take consistency, integrity and honesty any day over looks and charisma (which I have had before and trust me with all the issues that came with that and without honesty and integrity - those two characteristics alone are not enough).
I wonder how many people go around in life with feelings in their heart for another that they never share for fear of rejection. I guess in my brain I would rather have rejection and a final answer than a life full of what ifs and wondering how it might have worked out. I really didn't mean this to be an unloading of my view on relationships and the world today but these are my thoughts. I almost feel like guys these days guys are fine with women running the show because if the woman is doing the pursuing, they don't have to deal with rejection. I have been there and done that, and not doing it again. For myself as a woman I actually truly want the man to lead, to open the door, to have some chivalry - to be the man! Maybe it's the world we live in today because women are pretty strong and smart and gaining in the workplace everyday now but I still deep down want someone to lead me even though I was the one to handle all the major stuff in my last marriage, I didn't like it. I am a full time single mom working her ass off to provide for her kids - but deep down I want the man to still be the man. I lived reverse roles for years and even though I accepted it, I didn't really want it even though I totally acted like I did.
The next thing I am in gratitude for is how God changes lives. There I said it. I usually keep things politically correct and don't state my beliefs, I'm definitely vague in regards to my faith because I want to connect with people no matter what their beliefs are in terms of God, a higher power, etc. For me it is all about love anyway and I see it each week I walk into my little family on Friday nights - to a place where I am accepted for me and all my mistakes and past and weaknesses and faults. I am loved anyway.
Friday night I truly had an answered prayer - one that hasn't be so immediate and distinct for me in a while. I usually figure it out in hind sight - but last night was so great. I shared my testimony Friday night at my CR group. I have read it once before last year but this one was way longer with another year and a half added in and it was pretty raw. The one and only thing I prayed for was for God to bring some new people that need to hear my story so that they might relate and seek help and healing in their own lives.
This world is broken, people go through so many hard experiences, hurts and just function and do things based on what they know how to do or just what they feel like doing regardless of who it affects. Everyone is capable of change, the key for me was to be willing to change. I have been going to CR for over a year at my Austin group and at MOST we usually have 1-3 newcomers. Our church is so amazing because they support this program so much and it just so happened our CR leaders got up and bared their souls in three services last Sunday and I know that was the perfect set up. Last night we had 9 total newcomers - almost triple what the usual count is - and on some Fridays we do not have anyone new at all. Call it a coincidence but I called it a prayer answered.
I feel comfortable sharing my stuff with the regulars - the ones I see every Friday night that already know me and accept me and know most of my stuff. With new faces I have never seen last night, it was intimidating but I know this isn't about me - it's about getting others help in their life and to find hope for a better future. People can and do change, the key is to be willing and ready and don't stop finding a way to improve choices, motives and reasons for doing things. Some people can do that on their own, they can figure it out and just do it but for me - I needed God so I can place my energy on making positive changes, give the hard stuff up to Him and move forward without a lot of burden in my life. I can thank God, CR and my great support group I have around me for finally coming to a place of peace for myself even though I still do stupid stuff, make my own mistakes and have to learn from them and truly decide what I want in my life.
For now I want peace, I want positivity and I have hope. I have hope that things won't always be this way - and that is a fact because life is always changing. I have hope that I know I am continuing to make positive changes in my life (with a few derailments in between, but I do get back on track) and figuring out a schedule and routine of being a full time working mother while balancing my wants and needs as a person (not just a mom). I know that one day for the first time ever, someone will walk into my life who is a really good match for me. I did not say perfect because there is no such thing, but pretty darn good to where the good will always outweigh the bad and I can do life with someone and they would be my teammate and we would have each other's backs. They would not give up when the going gets tough, but figure out a way to make things better through personal responsibility and helping out others. That is ultimately in a nutshell what I desire.
I'm also thankful and in gratitude for the few couples I do know that are living that example and I'm not just talking because I know their facebook posts which most of the time, in reality is just a facade of the real relationship. I have two very close friends where I really do know they are truly happy, they are with their person and I would bet a lot on the fact they will be married for the rest of their lives which I know in this day and age is rare.
If you haven't read anything about me - in a nutshell I was in 2 very co-dependent marriages, was an enabler, dealt with chaos and the roller coaster of a loved one with addiction issues and was totally lost and hopeless in my personal life until I sought help. If anyone is interested in CR or in receiving some healing based on any hurts, negative habits or issues currently in your life, check out the Celebrate Recovery
I am also thankful I have let all of my past hurts with those previous relationships go - because in my second marriage I realized I took so much of my trust issues, assumptions and negativity from my first and brought it into the next one even though this new relationship was much different than my first, it eerily ended up very similar in the end even though they were completely different circumstances and people. Trust is essential in a relationship and takes time to establish. I am still cautious and not as naive as I was in my past but now I rely on the actions of others to back up their words. If someone is not who they are portraying themselves to be, you will eventually find out the truth. I know one thing, I will no longer rush into something and get caught up in all the physicality of a relationship - it screws everything up from the start and then it's too late - emotions are invested and it's harder to break away.
I now get it - I am the woman! It's the guy's job to step up and pursue. To say how they really feel and to do what they say and say what they do. I just want to throw it out there to guys right now - looks aren't everything! I would take consistency, integrity and honesty any day over looks and charisma (which I have had before and trust me with all the issues that came with that and without honesty and integrity - those two characteristics alone are not enough).
I wonder how many people go around in life with feelings in their heart for another that they never share for fear of rejection. I guess in my brain I would rather have rejection and a final answer than a life full of what ifs and wondering how it might have worked out. I really didn't mean this to be an unloading of my view on relationships and the world today but these are my thoughts. I almost feel like guys these days guys are fine with women running the show because if the woman is doing the pursuing, they don't have to deal with rejection. I have been there and done that, and not doing it again. For myself as a woman I actually truly want the man to lead, to open the door, to have some chivalry - to be the man! Maybe it's the world we live in today because women are pretty strong and smart and gaining in the workplace everyday now but I still deep down want someone to lead me even though I was the one to handle all the major stuff in my last marriage, I didn't like it. I am a full time single mom working her ass off to provide for her kids - but deep down I want the man to still be the man. I lived reverse roles for years and even though I accepted it, I didn't really want it even though I totally acted like I did.
The next thing I am in gratitude for is how God changes lives. There I said it. I usually keep things politically correct and don't state my beliefs, I'm definitely vague in regards to my faith because I want to connect with people no matter what their beliefs are in terms of God, a higher power, etc. For me it is all about love anyway and I see it each week I walk into my little family on Friday nights - to a place where I am accepted for me and all my mistakes and past and weaknesses and faults. I am loved anyway.
Friday night I truly had an answered prayer - one that hasn't be so immediate and distinct for me in a while. I usually figure it out in hind sight - but last night was so great. I shared my testimony Friday night at my CR group. I have read it once before last year but this one was way longer with another year and a half added in and it was pretty raw. The one and only thing I prayed for was for God to bring some new people that need to hear my story so that they might relate and seek help and healing in their own lives.
This world is broken, people go through so many hard experiences, hurts and just function and do things based on what they know how to do or just what they feel like doing regardless of who it affects. Everyone is capable of change, the key for me was to be willing to change. I have been going to CR for over a year at my Austin group and at MOST we usually have 1-3 newcomers. Our church is so amazing because they support this program so much and it just so happened our CR leaders got up and bared their souls in three services last Sunday and I know that was the perfect set up. Last night we had 9 total newcomers - almost triple what the usual count is - and on some Fridays we do not have anyone new at all. Call it a coincidence but I called it a prayer answered.
I feel comfortable sharing my stuff with the regulars - the ones I see every Friday night that already know me and accept me and know most of my stuff. With new faces I have never seen last night, it was intimidating but I know this isn't about me - it's about getting others help in their life and to find hope for a better future. People can and do change, the key is to be willing and ready and don't stop finding a way to improve choices, motives and reasons for doing things. Some people can do that on their own, they can figure it out and just do it but for me - I needed God so I can place my energy on making positive changes, give the hard stuff up to Him and move forward without a lot of burden in my life. I can thank God, CR and my great support group I have around me for finally coming to a place of peace for myself even though I still do stupid stuff, make my own mistakes and have to learn from them and truly decide what I want in my life.
For now I want peace, I want positivity and I have hope. I have hope that things won't always be this way - and that is a fact because life is always changing. I have hope that I know I am continuing to make positive changes in my life (with a few derailments in between, but I do get back on track) and figuring out a schedule and routine of being a full time working mother while balancing my wants and needs as a person (not just a mom). I know that one day for the first time ever, someone will walk into my life who is a really good match for me. I did not say perfect because there is no such thing, but pretty darn good to where the good will always outweigh the bad and I can do life with someone and they would be my teammate and we would have each other's backs. They would not give up when the going gets tough, but figure out a way to make things better through personal responsibility and helping out others. That is ultimately in a nutshell what I desire.
I'm also thankful and in gratitude for the few couples I do know that are living that example and I'm not just talking because I know their facebook posts which most of the time, in reality is just a facade of the real relationship. I have two very close friends where I really do know they are truly happy, they are with their person and I would bet a lot on the fact they will be married for the rest of their lives which I know in this day and age is rare.
If you haven't read anything about me - in a nutshell I was in 2 very co-dependent marriages, was an enabler, dealt with chaos and the roller coaster of a loved one with addiction issues and was totally lost and hopeless in my personal life until I sought help. If anyone is interested in CR or in receiving some healing based on any hurts, negative habits or issues currently in your life, check out the Celebrate Recovery
