Just no words....

Out of all the tragic events I have witnessed in my days, nothing aside from 9/11 has effected me as much as what happened on 12/14/12 in Newton, Connecticut. It was supposed to be such a fun day - a company party mired with crazy white elephants gifts including a box of two dozen live crickets, "You might have touched your genitals" hand sanitizer, and of course my gift which included a ceramic squirrel holding a tray for two "nut" salt and pepper shakers. We did have fun, and we did enjoy our time as a company and a team but then for me it was followed by a heavy heart and emotional day as the afternoon went on.

I am sure like everyone else for me  it was the loss of innocence, and the absence of logic for the "why". I had to make a stop at home to cry for a few minutes before I went and picked up my children. I definitely hugged and kissed them harder upon pick up, but I believe what hit me hardest was that it could have been my child. My son is 6 - he is in first grade. I just can't imagine. At first I had so many questions because I feel my children's school is very secure - but the truth is if the person is a parent, relative or even known at all to the school, they get buzzed in and go to the front desk/office and if they are loaded with ammunition and multiple guns to kill, it doesn't matter about the buzzing them in or the background check, or anything else. Evil is alive and well and it just seems to be getting more widespread these days. Is the answer taking everyone's right to bear arms away?  I don't necessarily agree with that because if someone wants to kill, they will find a way - China is a perfect example - 22 injured and traumatized with a knife attack at a school.

I don't know what the answer is but no one can change what happened yesterday and all I can do now is pray for the families, the victims and yes even the wretched soul that did this, because anyone that commits mass murder in my opinion is not of sound mind. When multiple lives are lost in a matter of hours I hug my kids a little tighter and just realize how precious life is. I need to squeeze them a little tighter, tell them I love them as much as I can and be thankful for every moment I have on this earth to spend with them.

I need to focus on the now and not worry about all the little things. It's the little foxes that spoil the vine. Even though my kids are with their Dad this weekend, I am making a conscious effort to be in the moment with them instead of being so worried about the dirty kitchen, or the picking up of the toys, or the schedule I try to stick to every night. I need to cherish the time that I do have with them and let them know I am here for them in every moment that we spend together. You can always physically be present with your kids, but being completely and consciously present with them in the moment is something different. I at least owe that to them. Life is so short and so fragile - make the most of it. The one way I can attempt to live that way is to always try to do the next right thing. I pray these family overcome.

What will you do differently?

How long and often are your pity parties?

I believe that if you haven't yet had a pity party, you deserve a medal of some sort or you if you haven't been the one throwing the party, surely you have attended one. Something must be in the air, because this past month I have thrown my own and attended a couple, too. 

I always like to break down the definition of a word. Here is the definition of pity from dictionary.com:
1.  sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering,distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy. 
2. a cause or reason for pity, sorrow or regret.

I like to think about how an average party lasts and make sure I don't go any further than that when I throw my own pity party. Have you ever been to an all day party? Maybe a family reunion or get together that is far away but even at that we are talking maybe 4-5 hours. Not many events last days or weeks so I like to base my pity parties on that and don't go over the average amount of time that a regular party for a happy event takes because I don't want to give my negativity anymore time than it needs to have or it will manifest and grow into even more negativity and then I would have like my own little baby of pity that I have to deal with and the more I feed it, the bigger it would get. 

Everyone has those times where the universe is totally mis-aligned in their world and everything in it is going wrong. It's totally and perfectly fine to cry, get angry, freak out or however you like to throw your party. Personally, I don't invite anyone and just isolate myself. I used to stuff the reality of my feelings deep down and not even address them. Before too long they would explode and I would wonder why.  Now I allow myself to feel the current suckiness of my situation, process it and then realize that there are many, many more people out there that have it WAY worse than me and that i need to suck it up and move on. 

My thoughts can get pretty low - I'm divorced. Twice. Not just once, but twice. I don't have another adult to share my life with - I am labeled DIVORCEE or "something must be wrong with you" if two marriages have failed. I am a failure. I know that the people close to me that know me and love me don't believe the lie that I tell myself but it's easy for it to creep in and take hold. My parents are still married to this day, my sister is about to celebrate 20 years of marriage and they have a wonderful example of how a marriage SHOULD be. The youngest of the bunch (I am the baby) couldn't make it work or figure it out. I'm a quitter. I gave up.  It's easy for me to feel lonely knowing that in fact there is nothing wrong with being alone or single. It's easy for my mind to go there.  It's easy for me to feel like a loser even though I have a part time job on the weekends I don't have my kids so I can properly provide for them along with my 40+ hour work week and I keep plenty busy doing the things that are good for me like taking care of myself, spending good quality time with ME which I haven't done in about 20 years, but I still have those thoughts that creep up and tell me that I'm nobody because I don't have anybody to do life with. My kids I love, they are my life but it's not the same. Maybe I just liked the idea of coming home to someone even though the two previous situations were hard f-in work and unfortunately all the love we had could not overcome all the sh*t sandwiches we continued to eat. After a while enough was enough. It sucked, not the idea I had or envision to be twice divorced and a single mom at 36. I didn't want it but that's what happened. It is was it is but it still sucks a**. 

I also lost a house and I have had my share of horrible financial decisions. I live in a 2 bedroom apt w/2 kids because that is all I can do for right now. OK - see what path this could continue on? I could just go on and on and bring myself down and cry for hours if I let myself stay there. Then I have to flip the script and go up, move up just a bit so I can build myself back up again. I wish I was much more conditioned and habitual in building myself up instead of bringing myself down. So I have to start with simple things. My kids to date have not gone without. Yes they have gone without the hot new toy or the wii game my son wants, but we have a roof over our head, food to eat and plenty of games and books that they can play with and clothes to wear. It may not be the toys they want, but they have them. I have a car to get me to and from work and where I need to go. I will be paying way more than what the car was ever worth because of my  past financial decisions that were irresponsible but it is getting me where I need to go for now. I am just praying it will still be running by the time I pay it off. No matter how much I plan for stuff, sh*t always happens. I think I have my budget down and then I need a root canal, and car registration is due, and oh you need new brakes on your car and then another bill pops up. I just can't seem to get ahead but I know it could be worse. I still have a place to live and my car to drive. Being self sufficient really is sometimes a negative thing for me because I will not ask for help. I just try and figure it all out on my own when I could ask for help and alleviate some stress but my mantra is taking care of your junk so it's really hard for me to ask for help. I do value personal responsibility but I also realize that even with the best of people, sh*t still happens and is a fact of life. The truth would be I would have a problem with myself if I just habitually started asking family or friends w/money for money or help and continued to live that way instead of taking care of my own life and just use help only when I absolutely need it. There is a difference between truly helping someone out and becoming an enabler. The last thing I would ever want to do is take advantage of someone else. I could not, would not do that. EVER. 

So after I attend my pity party, I have to end it with a pep talk. I can always attempt to focus on the good things. There are always good things even though we want to tell ourselves the current situation is SOO BAD. It's not really, you just have to realize that the situation always could be worse and that we always have the decision to think up instead of down. It's a choice. I am guilty of my own pity parties but I also know that I have plenty of things to be thankful for and I have to remember to remind myself of those GOOD things so I don't have to worry about my own little pity baby that I would coddle and feed and allow it to eventually take me down one day because it's grown so big and I don't now how to stop it. 

So here's my pep talk to me: I am worthy of someone one day to love me and cherish me and do life with me to where it's not a struggle, it's a journey that has more good times than bad. A journey with someone else to inspire and accept me for me and to want their journey of life to be the same as mine which includes self improvement, personal responsibility, doing the right thing and living a healthy lifestyle, too. Until then, I will be my own cheerleader and I also have amazing friends that are cheering me on and know that one day I will share in the current bliss they are currently living as they have been through some rough relationships in their past, too. I am a loving mother and my focus is on my children and supporting and loving them no matter what. I do what I need to do on a daily basis to provide for them and provide them with routine and security even though I wish we lived in a house w/a picket fence and were in a better financial place right now, where we are at is OK. IT WON'T ALWAYS BE THIS WAY. The truth is my kids are learning that things don't always go the way they want but we still make it through and we will make it through our struggles together. 

When I commit to something, I commit. There is no half-ass with me, it will get done if I say it will unless something really unexpected comes up or I am really sick which rarely happens. People committing to things and flaking out annoy the crap out of me. I think so many people don't want to say "no" they over commit and don't no how to positively say no. I am learning to say no a lot more, too because I don't want to say yes and then not show up. Sure I want to make everyone happy (the ever present people pleaser in me) but I realize myself and my kids come first so I have to commit based on myself and them, not others. I used to think that was selfish to say no but now I know it's smart. I am selective in what I say 'yes' to and much more able to use no if needed. 

So with this message I am publicly announcing my commitment to a triathlon next year to motivate myself to stay fit and do the work. I am more accountable if I have a goal or event and since I don't have a partner or person I can work out with, or do events with, I will do it for the event. Come the first weekend in May of 2013 I will be a triathlete! Click Here to check out my training blog. Now grant it I will not be doing an Ironman anytime soon (if ever). MAYBE a 70.3 if I actually enjoy triathlons but even that might be a little too hard core for me. This is really just a cross off the bucket list kind of thing and also to stay in shape and have the motivation to do the work.  So kudos to me for committing to something that I never could have seen myself doing or accomplishing even when I was married which is actually kind of sad now that I think about it. The weekends I will not have my kids can be used for training and getting my bike training in and I'm excited. I am actually going to bike to work one day a week as well. My journey to keeping myself fit and active begins. <patting myself on the back>. So everyone go give yourself a high-five and pep talk yourself out of any pity parties that want to take hold of you and overcome you. Go find something you love that feeds your soul and go do it :) 

If I'd have known then what I know now....

I was inspired to write this because of an awesome post by SDL (Single Dad Laughing) (a great blog to follow) and I figured I will get personal if I can help someone avoid making some of the same mistakes I have in my past. The best part about SDL's blog is him taking responsibility for his part. Every relationship takes two people. Two people to make it work and two people to allow it to disintegrate. Often times one or both in the relationship refuse to take responsibility for their part and the blame game gets you nowhere, and allows for no growth. That is exactly what happened with me after marriage #1 ended. I didn't take responsibility for my actions adding to the end of the marriage. It was all his fault and I was just fine. Fine stands for Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Ha. Denial is a great place to be - you don't do anything but blame all your problems on other people and the world. It's never your fault why your relationships end, why you can't seem to keep friends - there is nothing wrong with ME, it's everyone else. I have experienced that place and it is NOT a fun place to be.

I spent enough time in victim land and all it did was bring me more misery and problems. What I do know now is that I was co-dependent, controlling, struggled with anxiety and was an enabler. I also had some pretty messed up belief systems. I seemed to stay in relationships longer than I probably needed to because I really, truly wanted to work them out regardless of how bad things may have been - I believed that love was supposed to be forever and that it's also really hard work. Not until marriage #2 was at the end of it's rope did I start looking at myself instead of everyone else. Honestly, it was the best thing that happened to me so that I could get out of my denial and start really living my life with my eyes wide open. 

My background is pretty simple. Met boy #1 at 16, fell in love, got married and stuck around for 12 years until I realized that I don't deserve being cheated on - period.  I then met boy #2 immediately after marriage #1 imploded.  I pursued him without knowing the first thing I wanted in a man after my first marriage crumbled, got pregnant then re-married within a year after my first divorce was final, made many of the same mistakes I did in my first marriage and tried everything I possibly could to not have to put my kids through a divorce. (I had no kids with marriage #1 so it was fairly easy to walk away).  

After much soul searching, here are 8  tips I have for any woman that happens to end up in a relationship/marriage that just isn't working no matter what you try - or you just keep picking the wrong guy. These are tips you will have to change within yourself so that you can no longer be affected by the guy that will say everything to melt your heart but then DO everything that contradicts those words. No matter how charming, and how much you think you "love" them, you have to do some work within yourself so that one day you won't even be attracted to that guy in the future because your wants are for greater things like character, integrity and honesty. 

1. LOVE YOURSELF. This was the biggest lesson I had to learn - getting into serious relationships early in my life and virtually not being single or alone for almost 20 years, I lost myself (or maybe never found myself in the first place) and I avoided getting to know myself - I felt my identity was with my relationship or marriage. I didn't want to be alone - so many times I stayed in a negative situation for fear of being alone. I also was not able to fully love either one of my ex-husbands because I didn't even love or know myself very well. My identity was confused with the other person which is a classic trait of co-dependency.  I now accept all of me, including the good and the bad. It was not easy to look inside and realize I have faults, flaws and issues because I always believed I needed to be perfect which is both harmful and just plain impossible. Give yourself grace even when you screw up, beating yourself up for past mistakes does nothing but hinder your growth. I now look forward to ME time - to alone time and to spending time to fill my soul - before I used to feel weird being alone and felt like I had to go somewhere or be with someone to just feel normal. Now I savor my me time and I'm so glad I spent some time getting to know myself and eventually love myself. It is near to impossible to love someone else if you have self hate, shame or guilt. 

2. KNOW YOUR WORTH. I believe one of the reasons women stay in emotionally and physically abusive relationships (I have experience with both) besides fear is because they believe what the other person tells them or the lies they tell themselves - that they are less than, worthless, or nothing without the other person. If you believe you are worthless and something less than is what you deserve, then ultimately that is what you will get. Know that every human being is worth enough to be in a loving, caring relationship or marriage. Don't believe the lies - men have no right to belittle,and emotionally abuse their wives or girlfriends for whatever reason or justification they use. I USED to believe that I was only someone because I was WITH someone, because someone else loved me, I must be important. I believed those lies and stayed in relationships that were less than because I feared being alone more than being in a bad situation. I struggled well with low self esteem and ended up getting what I thought I deserved (I don't deserve the best, this is just the way it is). The truth is, everyone deserves to be in a loving caring marriage or relationship and no one deserves less than. 

3. SET INTERNAL BOUNDARIES. As my second marriage was failing, I didn't know what a boundary was, how to set or enforce one. Know your absolute boundaries and communicate with the other person. Cheating, emotional and physical abuse should never be acceptable in any situation. EVER.  If it ever happens, see ya later. period. end of discussion. I wish I would have had those core beliefs to begin with, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. If you set up those boundaries in the beginning and if they are ever broken - follow through no matter what has happened and no matter what time has been invested - you are worth more. No one deserves that type of treatment EVER. The hardest part after figuring out your boundaries and setting them is enforcing them. I still struggle with this daily, especially in regards to boundaries with my kids. 

4. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I was in two co-dependent relationships and I wanted to fix the situation all the time, worry all the time, spend all my focus and energy on the other person. I felt that taking care of ME was selfish and a bad thing. Boy, after having kids and going through recovery and therapy, that is so far from the truth. If you are in a relationship where you are not encouraged to have "you" time, get out. You need an outlet, you need to fill up your soul so you have something left to give your kids, your friends, your family, your job and your relationship if you are in one. Find yourself a passion and go do it. I've started this blog because my therapist tells me to journal. I have begun riding my bike again and look forward to my weekends without the kids so I can exercise and enjoy being outside. Re-connect with yourself and find out what fills your soul. Make YOU a priority, I promise it's not selfish, it's what is needed to keep you going. My therapist made a good analogy about being selfish and taking care of yourself. Let's see if I can do this here. 

SELFISHNESS---------------------------------SELF-CARE------------------------------SELF-NEGLECT

There is a huge difference - self-care is in the middle. You don't want to be too high on yourself to where you put yourself above others (Selfishness) or neglect yourself because of low self-esteem. Self-Care is right in the middle and that is where everyone needs to be. It's OK to take care of YOU! I struggled well with this and now make a consistent effort to take care of me and keep balance within myself. 

5. HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS. This is very hard for me even to this day because I struggle well with assumptions in my head and expectations of certain people. If you have a very high expectation of an outcome or person and are let down, you will hold a resentment. Don't over think a relationship with someone, don't be upset when someone lets you down. Trust is built over time so let any relationship progress as it should. You need a solid amount of time to build trust and find out if you and the other person have similar wants, desires and value the same things. If you find that a person does not share your core values or goals, then leave that relationship. You can't change them and if they don't agree, why waste more time? Please don't mis-read what I am saying, either because if you just accept whatever relationship falls in your lap, you may be utterly disappointed. I think so many people settle in relationships because they just want to do life with someone, even if it's not the right someone. The other extreme is that no one on this earth will "make you happy". If you believe that lie, you are in trouble. The point is to have the same likes, wants, desires, compatibility, love and respect with that person so that you can do life with them and it's definitely better with that person than without them. 

6. DON'T TRY TO CHANGE THEM. I was utterly guilty of this. I loved them, but I would truly love them if x,y and z changed. It doesn't work, it won't work and it never has worked. TRUST ME. If you are in a relationship with someone that you really love 80% of them but 20% needs to be changed (and the 20% happens to be major issues) and you believe it will be fixed if you get married or have kids, you are more than likely wrong.  It is very rare that you have enough influence over someone that the other person will change for you. Even if they improve some, more than likely they will revert back to their old ways eventually.  People need to change for THEM. The sad part is most of the things I wanted changed were behavioral and can be changed with work and help  if that's what the person wants. Both of my exes weren't bad guys and they both had some really great qualities, but they just got caught up in bad behaviors and situations which ended up affecting other aspects of their life in very negative ways. I took me a while to realize I can't change them, all I can do is decide whether I wanted to stay on the roller coaster with them or not. It wasn't healthy for me, for them or for my children. I could do nothing to change their mind so I had to get off. The only thing I could do was change me so I sought out help and improvement within myself. In the end, I am better off right now at this period in my life even though it's sad, it's not what I ultimately wanted but it is what it is. 

7. ACCEPT THE GOOD AND THE BAD. For any relationship to work you have to love and accept yourself and fully love and accept the good and bad of the other person, too. I couldn't do that with either marriage - no wonder both didn't work out but I didn't see that until they were both over and done with. It is hard to admit that, but it's true. I am much better at accepting my friends and their flaws because I don't have to live with them every day and I can encourage them without being in the thick of the situation. That is what I recently told the father of my kids.  Right now, I can accept him as a friend and co-parent because I don't have to be involved with the day to day issues that would drive me crazy. I am clumsy as all get out, I am often late to social engagements  -  but I am also loyal, hard working and willing to help people. In marriage #1 I was constantly reminded of the mistakes I would make, or made fun of for being clumsy. I didn't even understand what unconditional love could be like until I had children. If I practice that with my children, I most definitely needed to have a certain level of unconditional love of my mate, and I didn't.

8. LEAVE PAST EXPERIENCES IN THE PAST. I was guilty of allowing past experiences w/marriage #1 to affect marriage #2. Some things that husband #2 would do would trigger me with feelings of what husband #1 did so I believed that he would react the same way even when he didn't at first. The freaky thing is, as more time went on, eventually husband #2 did many of the same things that husband #1 did - coincidence? Maybe not - it's very possible I had an affect on husband #2's responses based on my behaviors and reactions. Give any new relationship a chance and if old feelings are brought up from past issues - work it out within yourself and even share with your new relationship - it will allow for growth and trust to build and for the new person to understand some of what you have been through and ways to avoid any triggers in the future. 

These are the basic areas I knew I had to change inside of myself so in the future I might have a chance for a successful relationship. I don't plan to date anytime soon because I have no time or want right now (enjoying being a mother and having "me" time on the weekends I don't have my kids is working well for me.)  I had to figure out my part because for the LONGEST time I blamed everything on my past relationships.  I don't mean for this post to be a downer because I do still believe in true love and that there is a person made for everyone out there. I also want to state if things aren't that great in your relationship or marriage right now - if both parties are willing to work on the relationship and themselves, you both can change for the better! The issue comes when you state your wants, needs, desires and absolutes to the other person and they don't agree. That is why my marriages ended, you can't make something work without both people being in full agreement and on board for the change. With that in mind, please be cautious if the other party says they are on board with their words, but don't back it up with actions; it's not going to work then, either. You can always separate with the option to reconcile and let the other person SHOW you they mean what they say. In the end you know if the actions don't back up their words, it's time to move on.   If you agree to disagree on what changes need to be made in the relationship,  eventually whether you like it or not,  it will probably be best to move on as both parties will not be getting what they want or need. 

To end this on a positive note, I am linking a blog that reminded me of a real life couple I know where they are truly living their love for each other every day of their life.  After reading this blog and knowing their story is genuine, it gave me hope. I don't look at relationships or marriages now as 50/50 like I did before - that is mediocre. I look at a relationship as needing to be 100/100. Both people giving 100% of themselves to the other person and without expecting anything in return - how can that model fail? Love breeds love, being positive causes the other person to be positive, too. Inspiring the other person to be better just works. I was so guilty in feeding into negativity, fights and vicious cycles. So many times the man doesn't want to swallow his pride, ego and give without wanting anything in return because of possibly "losing the power fight", "appearing whipped" or a "wuss". In the end the men who have that attitude will ultimately lose the relationship.  If men lead with love from the start and keep it up no matter what, the woman will follow and support their man - it's the man's job to set the example in my opinion, not the other way around. 

I'm not going to lie - leaving both of my marriages were the hardest decisions I ever had to make in my personal life and I spent my time grieving over the loss of the relationship, but I also know deep down it needed to be done. It was hard, uncomfortable and scary at first, but my life is so much more peaceful now. My worry is to a minimum and I try and nip my anxiety in the bud if it starts to creep up. 

Sometimes you can't see clearly until you are completely out of a situation/relationship for a certain amount of time. If family members close to you are questioning your relationship or trying to talk to you about your situation and you don't want to hear it - you might want to try and listen. Most of the time the ones that love you the most (parents, sisters, brothers, etc) They ultimately just want to help you and want the best for you and you can't see a negative change within yourself but others can from the outside looking in. 

 The best thing that has happened with my journey is that I have no resentments, that I have no bitterness about what has happened or what I have been through and I do wish the best for my exes. I am at peace. I had to go through a lot of junk to get to a state of peace, but I am so thankful for my journey as my experiences finally allowed me to grow. I wish growth and eventual peace for anyone going through a negative situation or a hard time. It is always darkest before the dawn and a negative situation won't always be that way!  It's funny, I used to really hate change. I wanted things to be predictable and secure and now I cherish change because now I know the fact that life constantly changing is one of the few things that I can count on in my life. Changing for the better is a choice, and you can only do it one step and one day at a time. 

I am totally open to thoughts/comments or feedback. Sometimes the best personal growth is made through really hard life lessons. I know that if I would have known what I know now in my first marriage I would not have the two beautiful children I have today so I have no regrets. 

Assumptions - What are they good for? Absolutely Nothing!!....

Just like Edwin Starr's song "War" from the 60's I now believe that if you allow assumptions to rule your life, you can equate it to a war in your mind. In case you don't know what song I am talking about, I am linking  Bruce Springsteen's version because he probably made it more famous than Edwin Starr ever did. I am also posting the link to Bruce's video because I think my father would be proud that I reference "The Boss" as he is a huge Bruce Springsteen fan and I do thank him for taking me to so many cool concerts growing up so that I can have a true appreciation for rock n' roll. Now let's get to the heart of the matter (Any Don Henley fans out there? Another great artist I can thank my dad for sharing with me :)

What is an assumption? The dictionary definition is: the act of taking for granted or supposing. Synonyms: presumption; presupposition. Now let's break it down more - what does presumption mean? Here is the definition of presuming which hits the nail on the head: to assume as true in the absence of proof to the contrary. 

Now let's go back to middle school and high school and I will just speak for myself but hopefully someone else can relate. Do you remember your first crush or the person you first were interested in or wanted to "go with". Now that might show how old I am but in my days you didn't date, you were "going together". So think back to the first time you were interested in someone - that puppy love, the imagining of MARRYING that boy and spending all that time with him - writing my name with "HIS" last name over and over again in between classes and passing notes to each other in the hall. Imagining a happily ever after with a house, 2.5 kids, a dog or cat and a white picket fence (Damn you Disney fairytales!)  My crazy brain just wanted to focus on HIM and not me. Now I look back and go - oh that's where my obsessive thinking started.  At the time, I thought it was "LOVE" (oh, how foolish of me). I at least hope every female out there can relate - I have no idea what boys did with their first crush but maybe their thought patterns were similar. When I was a teenager I thought nothing of the way I felt or what I believed in my head was possibly wrong or unhealthy. "Does he REALLY like me, like me" or did he just want to 'go with me' because he heard through other friends that I liked him? These were some of the what if's that I played out in my head. I was too nervous to just bluntly ask the boy if he really liked me or if he succumbed to peer pressure in deciding to 'go with me' because of the urging of others. I realize now that if I would have had the guts to ask those type of questions back then, my life might look a lot different right now. But c'est la vie - right? I could beat myself up about it, but I choose to be thankful that I am trying to figure things out now for myself and my possible future. You know, the future I actually dream of. I do believe a girl can still dream and now more than ever I actually know what I am looking for which is a huge improvement of where I used to be.

The important thing now is that at my age I am actually learning how destructive assumptions can be. As I reflect on my life I actually let some of my assumptions that I had made about others, or events in my life really affect me as a person and that is not healthy. I have let some assumptions manifest into anxiety which affects me physically. For the first time ever I am learning to filter some of my thoughts and before I let in crazy assumptions or what if's (I envision myself running on a hamster wheel that just goes around and around which is essentially the same as never ending insanity). I have to ask myself if the thought is TRUE or NOT TRUE. I am not a mind reader, even though I like to believe I have a certain level of intuition, I am no Clark Kent or Edward from Twilight. As much as I would love to be able to see through walls or sparkle in the sunlight, I am just like everyone else. The truth is, if I want to know what someone is thinking - I have to ask them what they are thinking. This can apply to everything - friends, family, co-workers and even my children. The truth is so many people might care so much what the other person might think about them and ASSUME that the other person doesn't like them or doesn't want to get to know them better so they are afraid to ask the hard questions because of a fear of the outcome or answer. Well, let's break it down - what is the worst that could happen if you ask the question? What you feared may be true? Ok, so that is what you already assumed - so you must be prepared for the answer and then it can't really be all that bad, right? I would rather know than not know and to allow myself to keep manifesting assumptions in my head. 

My truth and past experiences prove that most of the time what I assumed and thought in my head really was not true at all and that is where I would expend and exert so much energy into a situation that turned out to be totally made up in my head in the first place. That is how assumptions kill; they steal your peace and take away your time within the current moment.  The good news is that you don't have to keep assuming, you have a choice. So what tools do I use to combat assumptions? The first one is what I mentioned earlier - is my thought or assumption true or not true? 99% of the time it is questionable at that moment it enters my head which opens that lovely door to my hamster wheel of insanity. What I have to do is not allow those thoughts to come in and wait to talk to the person or share with them my assumptions or just ask the question that will confirm or deny my assumption. That really sounds so much easier than it really is.  The waiting is the hardest part, huh? Yes, I had to throw Tom Petty in there, too. The other tool I can use is repeating back to someone what they have told me because I might interpret what they said in a different way as we all like to hear what we want to hear sometimes, don't we (selective listening)?

I feel like these days, no one talks anymore. It's either texting, e-mailing, facebooking or blogging. I'd rather have a face to face conversation so I can actually read the person's body language and let them know I'm interested in what they have to say, but that's just me.  Most of the time, trying to figure out tone in a text or e-mail is the hardest interpretation to make - you can't tell someone's tone in an e-mail or text  - you can just assume tone which I think gets a lot of people on a hamster wheel because they don't pick up the phone or go to that person and clarify what they really meant in the e-mail or text. I encourage anyone that reads this that might have a situation they are unsure of or have something that is 'getting to them' - why not go ask the hard questions and get the answer? I would rather someone come and be honest with me about something than to never tell me and things be weird because they want to avoid conflict. 

The truth is there can be constructive conflict, it just depends on how you go about it.  I am an open book these days, if someone has an issue or assumption about me but never tells me or asks - that is their problem, not mine. There is nothing I can do to figure out the issue and overcome it if I am never told in the first place. I would rather have the hard conversations so I can build trust with that person, instead of tippy toeing around the issue so as not to 'go there'. I don't take criticism negatively anymore, everything these days for me is a learning experience so if I can become better from someone else's observations that I may not be aware of, I welcome it. I didn't used to be that way. I used to be defensive and a blamer because I didn't want to accept myself for the good and the bad. Now I delight in taking responsibility for me, as me, myself and I   (Ok last musical reference, I promise) is all that I can currently control in this life. So far the journey with my new perspective is getting more and more interesting as I am now more aware of my actions, "my part" in everything and also more aware of the bigger picture that is going on around me. I will leave this blog with one of my favorite quotes about assumptions: 

"A tornado of thought is unleashed after each new insight. This in turn results in an earthquake of assumptions. These are natural disasters that re-shape the spirit." - Vera Nazarian

I'm in Recovery, So What?

I was going to write this blog about an incident I had with my kiddos last week but since I have just completed my third step study, I'm going to blog about my progress within my recovery. I really don't like the word recovery because when I say that people look at me like "Why are you in recovery - what is wrong with you?"  They may wonder if I was an alcoholic or a drug addict but now I don't care what people think anymore, I'm not ashamed to admit I had issues and I am working on them. I don't like the word recovery but I did look it up in the dictionary and it's totally fitting and appropriate: restoration or return to any former and better state or condition. The truth is -  because of my ability to consider that I may have issues because I kept getting into the wrong type of relationships, I am doing great now. The other part is that sometimes you have to go back pretty far to figure out why you might do the things you do. I was able to truly evaluate my life, find out what my issues were, where they began and learn some amazing tools on how to fix those issues. The great thing is that the tools really work and that anyone can change their defects of character into virtues - but that is only if they truly want change.

You know I listened to a great pod cast that was sent to me by my boss recently. It was very insightful about the brain and willpower. Here is a link if you would like to listen.
 http://stitcher.com/s/player.php?AAUAAKPG_

The best part is at the end when the author states that everyone in some way is out of control in one area of their life. You don't have to be completely out of control in everything to seek recovery - it can be that one thing that may even be a secret but keeps you locked up inside.  I just sat back and thought - you know she is probably right. Even if someone doesn't want to admit it - there is probably something in their life that isn't working. The area of my life was my personal relationships - not with my family or friends or even co-workers but with men. For some reason I just couldn't make it work but for the longest time I just believed it was only them and not me. A lot of times something drastic has to happen before you start to look at yourself and that is exactly what happened with me.

I tried Al-Anon because I had relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts. For me going to an Al-Anon meeting was sitting at a table with a bunch of women sharing all the things they didn't like about their current alcoholic/drug addict and I sat there listening to these women and I wanted to leave the meeting and go have a drink. No, seriously it was not solution based and there was no road map on how to get healing while dealing with or living with someone that has a drinking or drug problem. Needless to say, I didn't stay long and did not go through the steps with anyone there.

Fast forward a few years later and I was referred to a program out in Irving that has a great leader and program at this one church. I was going to support someone in their journey to get off drugs/alcohol. I actually stayed because after the first couple of weeks I realized I really needed to go through this for me. Sure, the first week I thought I was too good for this and that I really didn't have that many issues. In reality, I had enough issues that I needed to go through the step study and ended up doing 3 step studies almost back to back. Everyone thinks recovery is only for hard core alcoholics or drug addicts. That statement is false. Recovery is for anyone that has a problem trying to change something they know is counter productive or that is hindering them from being the person they know they are supposed to be. It could be depression, anxiety, negative thinking or beating yourself up for your past. It could be struggling with spending too much money, or flying off the handle often and you don't know why. It could be self hate or guilt and shame. It can be over eating or under eating - exercising too much or you work too much. The more I have learned when abstaining from a drug or alcohol, that actually is easy to measure - you don't drink or do drugs. It is much harder to abstain from being co-dependent, an enabler or a people pleaser.  It's also hard to all of a sudden not care what people think about you if you have believed a bunch of lies for so long. It is a process but it can be done.

The thing I love about Celebrate Recovery is that it's for anyone and everyone. My main issues are being co-dependent, trying to control situations I have no control over, manipulation to get the outcome I desired, dealing with worry and anxiety, being judgemental, struggling with perfectionism, approval seeking and people pleasing. I cared too much what others thought of me so much so that it affected my decisions and reasons for doing certain things. My motives were not for me or necessarily for the right reason but to gain or win more acceptance.  I thought my identity was what others thought of me.  That was not a healthy way to live. I was also an enabler and that is definitely not a good thing either. The biggest word I was given during this journey is that in the bible with the story of the prodigal son - he did not go back to the father with a family member, girlfriend or wife dragging him back to the father. Sometimes you have to get out of God's way and let him do the work.

Before I started this I didn't know what a boundary was or how to set them and enforce them (I still struggle well with that). I wasn't a good communicator and if someone gave me criticism I would fly off the handle, get super defensive and attack them. I didn't apologize to my kids when I raised my voice or yelled - parent's are always supposed to be right and perfect? WRONG. That is the biggest thing I have learned - children need to learn that everyone makes mistakes sometimes and it's OK to make a mistake and then immediately admit you were wrong and apologize. I ask my children to forgive me when I mess up because I want them to do the same to others when they are wrong.

I realized I was in denial in a lot of ways and I also really didn't know who I was. Through my journey not only have I realized who I am but who I want to be. I also have a road map of how to get there. I don't know if I will ever "arrive" but I know that I will constantly be learning and growing and attempting to be the best me I can be.

I now have a better and more positive view of myself, I know my self worth and what I deserve as a human being. I am working on many different areas in my life and the best thing I can say that I have gotten out of this journey is accountability and peace. I am sharing my journey with a sponsor and they are helping lead me on the right path and supporting me even through my mistakes. I am giving myself more grace as I am stumbling through some bad decisions but I am learning from them and also attempting not to make the same mistakes over and over again. I have learned to love all of me - the good and the bad. Not sure why I believed it was selfish to love yourself - but how can you love anyone else if you don't love who you are to begin with? That has been a big lesson for me and I don't believe I have experienced a 'true love' as of yet but I know it's out there because I have a friend living that life right now and it gives me hope. My truest loves right now on this earth are my children. They are my number one motivation to stay on my recovery path so I can teach them these tools so that they can set boundaries, effectively communicate and deal with their emotions in a safe and productive way.

The biggest wish I have right now is for more people to learn this way of life. It's a free program and it's invaluable to anything I have learned to date in my life. It's better than the best deal for online clothes or shoes, it's better than the newest car or material thing. It was a life saver for me. It's awesome actually but sadly, in society today not a lot of people openly talk about their issues - they just put on a happy face even if there is a lot of pain behind that mask because I did that for too long. There is a better life than that.  The other great thing I have experienced is that no matter what happens in my life or what craziness is thrown my way I can still live my life in a state of peace if I choose to even if there are chaotic things happening around me.

If my journey sounds interesting or you think you might benefit from what I have experienced - a new step study is starting next Friday, October 4 at 7pm in the chapel. There is FREE childcare every Friday night - that is the only way I was able to do this program on Friday nights was because of the childcare.  It is a lot of work and will be an intense journey but no doubt it will change your life and for the better.  www.calvarychurch.cc

If you are from outside of Dallas and reading this and would like to check a meeting out you can find one at www.celebraterecovery.com

First week back to school = character development!

What is character? Well the dictionary definition lists a couple of explanations:  1. the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing. 2. qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity. 

With those two definitions and myself being more and more aware of who I want to be, what choices I want to make and what new character I want to possess, this week was a lesson in developing my new character! 

The old me made decisions and actions based on what I thought the other person wanted to hear from me, not really what was the best or right decision. (I can thank my people pleasing character defect for that). The old me used to act a certain way in hopes that another person would react in said way I believed they would if I did this or that. (I can thank my control issues for those previous mistakes).  Unfortunately, I still struggle with this in dealing with my 6 year old son.  It is sometimes very hard to speak the truth in love to a 6 year old (or my two year old daughter for that matter) when you are in the middle of pulling your hair out because of whatever situation with your kids that can drive you crazy if you let it. 

I had some successes this week - my first grader got to school on time all week and I got to work on time all but the first day because I stuck around and made sure my boy would have a great day in his new first grader environment. The other success was getting Declin to school 5 minutes before the 8 am bell instead of giving him a hug at the front door as the 8am bell is ringing - hey small steps are better than none, right? I am working on getting him there promptly at 7:50 so he has time to transition into learning when the 8am bell rings, but that will require a few tweaks on my part. First off I have to make sure the right clothes are ready for him. My son is very particular about his shorts - they have to be comfortable and they have to be the colors he likes. The other issue are his shoes. Unfortunately, if Declin had his choice he would live in crocs 24 hours a day. That is not very realistic on P.E. day. I do have to fight my battles as we will go to a store, buy a brand new pair of shoes that he loves - he wears them all day the first day we get them, then next day of school in the morning he hates them - they hurt or they feel funny or he all of a sudden doesn't like them. The other issues are the socks. "The crease feels funny mom", "They are too big or too small, too tight or too loose" or some mornings "I hate these socks, mom.". What is a mom to do? Sometimes I just give up the fight and let him wear the crocs. If he has to sit out at P.E. - so be it that is his choice, not mine. 

So one morning I lost it and yelled and couldn't believe all of a sudden these shoes he wore all  day before wouldn't work this morning for school. I yelled and I was not nice. I had to apologize and admit I was wrong. That is a hard thing to do in front of your own child. I realize if I did not apologize, then my kids would believe yelling and screaming are acceptable or OK and it's not. Talk about pushing your ego and pride aside - aren't parent's always supposed to be right? Oh wait - that is my lie of perfectionism creeping in that I have to be good and right and perfect at everything. The real truth is how would my kids learn right from wrong if I didn't display some negative examples every once in a while so I can give an example of how NOT to act.  The key is to own up to my wrong behavior and teach my children that you need to promptly admit when you are wrong and own up to your own behavior and choices. That is a huge new thing for me but I have to teach this life lesson whether I like it or not. 

My second further development of my character came Friday when I dropped my son off to school and said "Don't forget to tell the teacher I will be picking you up at 3pm - see you then."  I am very blessed to be able to work from home on Friday's and I get my son at 3pm so he doesn't have to stay in the after school program on Friday. He is also a great helper with his sister so it works out well. Little did I know my daughter would get a rash with pain that could not be ignored later in the day and by the time I made the doctor appointment all they had available was a 2:15 appointment. I knew I wouldn't be done by 3 - it is a minimum hour excursion to the doctor every time. I sent an e-mail to Declin's teacher and apologized that I wouldn't be there at 3 and to send Declin to the after school program. The doctor appointment was over by 3:20 so I promptly and quickly drove to pick Declin up because my guilt was creeping up and I felt really bad. I pick him up and he's not happy to see me. 

We get in the car, he sits in his booster with knees up, arms crossed over his knees, head buried down in his crossed arms with sounds of light sobs. Here it is - my failure of the day - the broken promise - essentially I lied to him because what I told him would happen did not happen at all. I am very happy that Declin articulated his emotions so well and said "Mom, I'm upset because I had to go to PACE (the after school program) and you said you would get me at three - you lied."  He totally called it. The old me would justify, minimize and say - I didn't lie - things just didn't go as planned. Even though I did not intentionally lie to my son, it still turned out as a lie because my commitment to him was not fulfilled.  I said "you are absolutely right son and I'm so sorry - please forgive me."

That is hard to say as well - isn't my son the one supposed to be saying that to me for all the "I hate yous" or the temper tantrums because he doesn't get the toy he wants at Target?  I learned some humility on Friday. The funny part of all this is the end of the conversation: "Mom, I am also upset because you came and got me from PACE. If you send me to PACE on a Friday again, please don't pick me up until the end."  Really? I wasn't exactly prepared for that response. Sometimes I really think my kids want to be with me all the time. Ha.  Well at least I know my son loves his after school program! We just made an agreement. I validated his feelings and apologized. I also let him know that from this point on if I miss the commitment again of picking him up at 3 on a Friday it will only be if Deirdre is sick or something has happened (Last year my truck was totaled and that was the only other time I didn't get him at 3pm as I had to wait for the tow truck and get a rental car). I also agreed that if he has to go to PACE on a Friday, I won't get him until close to 6pm so he can play with his friends. 

And last but not least my other test of my character came when I inadvertently door dinged a co-worker's car at work this week and seriously debated on telling them or not. And of course it had to be a very expensive car at that. The old me would have just been like "no one saw, it's OK" but then I have recently learned that you can lie by omission. That truth hurts as well. I sat on the reality that I did that for a couple of hours and eventually had to own up to it. I am waiting to see how much that will cost me, but no matter what at least I know I did the right thing even though it exposed my very embarrassing trait of not paying attention to my surroundings all the time. Clumsy could be my first middle name. I have bruises all over my legs from banging myself up with my bike, by running into things in my apartment - you name it I have probably done it within the definition of clumsy. That part of me is hard to overcome because I have been that way as long as I can remember but I can always try to pay better attention in the future. 

The more I am here on this earth and the older I get the more I think life is like school - just a bunch of tests along the way. What matters is whether you do what is right or wrong based on the situation that is presented in front of you. The truth is you always have a choice to do the right thing - no matter how bad it is or how bad you think it is. I cannot name ONE time to where I have told the truth in a situation and received the negative or explosive response that I feared and imagined would happen. I have also realized the truth does set me free - now I don't have guilt for not telling said person I door dinged their car. I don't have guilt that I minimized my son's feelings by not telling him he was right and that I did end up lying to him even though it wasn't intentional. I owned up to my own choices and behaviors and attempted to make it right as much as I could. 

We all make mistakes - we all hurt people - especially the ones we love but what matters is how we make our attempt to make our mistakes right and how we address other people's emotions when we were in the wrong. It takes a lot inside for me to admit I'm wrong and to ask someone to forgive me. The more I practice these principles, the better I feel at night when I go to sleep - my slate is clean and I am ready for the next day. I don't have an icky feeling at the end of the day and not know why because I have some unfinished business with someone or that I need to go back and fess up to something I did. My goal is peace the older I get and the more I live my life and try to make the best decisions I can - the right ones, the more peace I gain no matter what tests are thrown my way. I'm looking forward to many more tests in this life and also enjoying the moments that are most important to me - time with my family, time with nature, taking care of myself in a healthy way and taking each day as it comes with no expectations. I may sound like a really boring person these days but I am filling my soul with what is important to me instead of what is important to the world. It's not easy but it is rewarding to me and what keeps me going is peace I gain each day from knowing I'm making right decisions most of the time, and if I'm not I'm at least owning up to my wrongs and attempting to make them right. 

I do it for the love...and the memories.

A couple of weekends ago I took my first single parent vacation with my almost 6 year old son and 2 year and 2 month old daughter. As I was contemplating my vacation time and what we would do or where we would go, I thought back to the pictures of myself with my parents when I was between 2 and 3 not even remembering where I was or where I had been - just a picture to show for it. Some of you might already know where my thought process is going, but for someone that hasn't been around toddlers or more importantly toddlers between 2 and 3, let me try and explain it for you.  The best analogy I can compare that developmental stage to is that you are dealing with either a woman with severe PMS symptoms (I know this from my OWN personal experience) which involve extreme crankiness,  irrational emotional episodes and in some cases it's even worse - just think of a complete Jekyll and Hyde persona and that can be a glimpse of your future 2 year old's meltdown.

So some of you parents can't really fault me at all for considering just taking my son on a vacation and leaving my daughter with my parents or her father. I really did contemplate that because what I was absolutely afraid of on the trip - is that moment when everyone is staring at you and thinking - "Why can't you control that child?"  Well THE meltdown happened with my 2 year old on our vacation and I was embarrassed and pretty much helpless. That one incident aside, the rest of the trip was really fun even though it is definitely harder traveling with two children and being the only adult. As we were flying home, I realized that we are a family of three and even though I'm sure Declin would have loved to just spend a weekend alone with me, the mother inside knew that I would have felt guilt at a later date and surely when my daughter was in her teen years or early 20's, she would question why she wasn't included in that vacation photo and I couldn't do it. Sure, it would have been easier on me but ultimately you do things you sometimes don't want to do when you know it is the best thing for your children. You put your pride, selfishness and ego aside and you do what you know your kids need you to do for them.  That in a nutshell is my closest experience with unconditional love, you throw all your own wants and needs aside and you give back to your children and just hope that one day everything you gave to them was worth it and they will one day do the same if they ever end up having their own children.

Ultimately I decided to take them to Sea World in San Antonio because it was close and affordable. The other decision was do I drive or fly? Well it's a minimum 5 hours from Dallas and I would be driving. With two kids. With numerous potty breaks, stopping to eat, feeding, and diaper changes. Oh and the boredom of an almost 6 year old in a vehicle for that long. So that was easy - we will fly. Kids love airports, every time my daughter sees a plane in the air she says "airplane mommy" so I knew this would be a new adventure for her, going to an airport, getting on a plane and actually flying. Sometimes you forget how simple things like flying on a plane can be a really cool experience for a kid. What was not fun was lugging everything I had to bring with us to the airport because yes $50 worth of checked baggage is a lot of money to a single mom so here I am with two kids, one car seat, two carry on bags, two backpacks and a diaper bag. (I need to look at Southwest next time, seriously) Thankfully Declin was a big helper and he carried his own backpack and also rolled one carry on bag. His grandmother bribing encouraging him with a new wii game if he behaved might have had something to do with it. I'm also thankful Deirdre still had something to do with the Moby wrap so I was able to carry her on my hip while carrying the back pack and diaper bag on one shoulder and the carry on and car seat in the other hand. The other great thing was a kids play area right next to our gate to keep them entertained. I got there early - like really early and then we had to wait 45 minutes for the 3rd flight attendant to show up so I'm glad they could stay occupied. I am also thankful for the two people I encountered on my journey that helped me and they both were women - one nice lady while gathering all my belongings after we returned the rental car and one lady that helped me on the way back home at the San Antonio airport after I was all settled in and then they changed the gate on us. Come on men - is chivalry dead?  I am pretty sure I had a 'please help me' look on my face the entire time with all the things I had to lug around at the airport but I managed pretty well. That is one thing I noticed besides the two women that helped, most people keep to themselves or make the passing comment "I don't envy you" which I'm thinking "DUH, do you think I wanted to be a single mom"?

So after the flight and car rental we get to the hotel - first stressful part of travel completed. Declin called it 'the apartment' the whole time even though it's just a room and a bathroom. I will say that anyone with kids that is just making a trip to Sea World, the Fairfield Inn and Suites was a very good deal (Westover Hills location on Wiseman blvd). Free breakfast and free shuttle there and back from Sea World - they even give you a driver number and they will be there on the next half hour whenever you want to leave the park. It was very convenient and the only reason I rented a car is because it was cheaper than a shuttle or cab would have been  to and from the airport. I'm all about cheap, can you tell? Ha. So we spend day one at Sea World and we are there right at 10am. So much to see - both kids were excited to just be there so we all took it in. Azul show #1 down, next up the ski/wakeboard show which was fun to watch, and we even got a little cooled off by some jet skis - Declin is a fan of the splash zone, but only for today. There is also a new water park inside of Sea World called Aquatica, this was the only difference from last year - we now had to pay extra to float the river. That was kind of irritating but it was really hot and Declin really wanted to go so I paid the $40 extra to go to the water park (it was $20 each for 3+ regardless of age). I checked the weather and everything - no big deal it's the middle of August - no rain in the forecast whatsoever, right? It's already hella hot. We had time to float the river twice, play in the wave pool and the splash grounds with the big bucket that unloads on you and a few of the pools that had slides that even Deirdre had fun going down.  Lo and behold about two hours after we enter the water park I look behind us and there is this huge, black, ominous rain cloud approaching that was absolutely no where in the picture when we bought the tickets. All this wind starts kicking up and they start telling everyone to get out of the wave pools and regular pools and it really looked like it was about to unload on us, so we run out of there and I can't help but think I just paid $20 an hour to go to that water park. (Note to self, get the annual pass next year that INCLUDES Aquatica)  We decide it's time to eat anyway and we get some shelter in one of the many restaurants. It was really weird it never rained that we know of, just really windy for a while and then it blew on by.

We then move on to the Sea Lion show which was short and funny, just how I like it. The park closes at 9pm tonight so the next and last show is Shamu rocks. So we head to Shamu stadium and are ready to see Shamu - I guess they are all called Shamu, I'm not sure they didn't really clarify but then there is a 'baby' Shamu so they must be all named Shamu. The Shamu rocks show was my style, rock n roll music and big huge whales, what more could you ask for? We got there right before it started so we had to sit up top and during this show Declin notices the multiple whales swishing their huge whale tales and totally soaking some people on the front rows. "MOM....why aren't we in the splash zone?" he asks. "Well, we got here too late, it was full." I said and seriously GLAD we were not in the splash zone - there was  major splashing going on. I was watching from above the huge amounts of water these whale tales were spewing onto their hapless victims and I didn't really consider that 'fun' even while watching it from afar. I kept hoping Declin wouldn't remember that fact the next day when we were to see One Ocean which is the happy, fluffy, slower Shamu show.  The show ends and we are completely fulfilled with a good day. Wow, day one was a success, no meltdowns - we stayed at the park the ENTIRE day from 10a-9pm which I am still not sure how we really did that and weren't completely cranky or exhausted but it turned out great. Even the 2 year old enjoyed Shamu rocks. The shuttle was waiting for us which was so nice and off to the hotel and bed we went.

Day #2. Now we sleep in a little but not too late because we totally took advantage of the free breakfast. We get on a later shuttle because we had a long day yesterday. Declin understood if he wanted any collectibles to take home with him that we would have to forgo the water park on day 2. At least the Sesame Street Bay of Play had splash grounds we could utilize if we got too hot. The only major show to see was the One Ocean show with Shamu during the day before the afternoon show we decided to check out the Elmo 4D movie and we all had fun watching that. We grab some food, fighting off the bees that were buzzing around while we ate outside and decide to head to see the dolphins as I knew they would stop the feedings if it got too crowded. So we get to feeding the dolphin line..ughh it was quite long. It is 1pm which is usually when Deirdre is napping so we wait and wait and I try to do everything to avoid what is about to happen by re-directing, keeping her busy with something but she just was NOT having any of it. I am literally about 4 people behind the window to get the fish -- ALMOST there - and here it is, the screaming, the "NO MOMMY", the complete and utter meltdown where you try and pick her up and she's just spaghetti legs and arms, so then I let her go and she tries to run off, so then I pick her up again and she pretty much beats me down right in front of God and everyone. I look like I am mauled by a cat, scratches on my face, she bit me on my shoulder and my first reaction is to go off on her, but I cannot.  I am helpless, stunned, and there is nothing I can do but feel completely and utterly embarrassed and just tell her no. She is 2. She doesn't know how to tell me how she feels so she is definitely acting it out and man I would believe she is pretty upset by these actions. Now, if my 5 year old were doing this to me - that would be an ENTIRELY different scenario. So I beg the man at the window to give me a container of fish so I can move this along and re-direct her out of the meltdown. Surely she won't flip out looking at dolphins. I kid you not we move over 4 steps toward the dolphins, I give the fish to Declin and I am holding her and it's like nothing ever happened, she is interested in the dolphins and not even upset anymore. Jekyll and Hyde I tell you, that is what toddlers are like - no other way to explain it.

So after the emotional trauma for me from the meltdown after the dolphins we go back to the hotel, we are taking a break. I was hoping for a small nap but that never happened. We did go back and cool off in the room. I rented a stroller both days and they will let you hold it for up to 2 hours so we took a break and got back in time to see the afternoon Shamu show. This is where I got to experience the Shamu show from a whole new perspective. Sadly, Declin did not forget about the splash zone from last night's show. This is in the afternoon and it is hot like super humidly hot - we get to Shamu stadium early enough to sit in the splash zone. I know how much 'splashing' went on last night but I'm not sure Declin knows what is in store for him. I do not recall the fish smell from last night's show - I guess the closer you get to the tank, the smellier it is. They tell you before the show to put away all electronics in a safe and dry place if you are in the splash zone because you WILL get wet. So the show starts, and at this point getting cooled off is not a bad idea - we are sweaty, like drippy sweaty which is so gross but that is what severe humidity will get you. So the whales do their thing, go around and splash the crowd caddy corner to us and I know we are next - man it's a lot of water. I can see them getting their position ready through the tank and  they can splash some major water - I see their tails stick up and here it comes. All I can do is shield baby girl from the water that was about to hit. Here it comes and man it was cold and fast and powerful. It did feel good for a second - and it did cool us off but man it was ALOT. I look at Declin and the look on his face is priceless. Not sure if he forgot that whales live in the ocean or if his mouth was wide open or what but he just got a big huge taste of saltwater, too and he was NOT happy about it. Deirdre was not sure what hit her but I could tell she didn't like the saltwater either. The second time the whales splashed us not once but two more times and that is all it took - "MOM, let's get OUT of here!" So, we didn't have to endure the two-three more splashes the Shamu tails were about to let loose on the crowd and we ran out of that humid, sweaty and fishy smelling stadium as fast as we could. Later Declin asks why it can't be REGULAR non salty water that splashes us. Oh - 5 year olds haha. That is the most "disgustingist" taste according to Declin and we don't have to do that ever again.

We finish out our day and see everything we wanted to see the second day and head back to the hotel to get to sleep a little bit earlier than the first night. It was nice to have the rental car, we were able to grab a bite to eat for dinner and settle in for the night. We get up the next day which is travel day - spend a little time at the nice quaint pool where my kids spend their time in the hot tub instead of the pool. It was in the morning so it wasn't 100 degrees yet but I still much rather would have COOLED off instead of sat in a 105 degree hot tub. We had a nice morning before heading to the airport. Declin actually got sick later that night from the oatmeal he ate in the morning so I am very thankful he wasn't sick on the plane as that would have been miserable travel time for all of us. Just for reference we bought peanut butter and jelly at the store the first day and I guess I never would have thought that JELLY is considered a liquid to the TSA, so that went in the trash while I was detained in the security line for jelly and a bracelet they thought was a knife. It was fun chasing my 2 year old around while they were going through my entire bag to throw away some jelly and waste some time.  At least I got there early enough anyway. The plane ride was fine, Deirdre actually fell asleep and Declin was super good playing one of his games.

I felt good about our trip overall aside from the scratches and the meltdown. I know at least Declin and I will have great memories from our vacation, and we will have that one family picture that I can show my daughter when she is grown up and older and we can laugh about her attacking me and remember the fun times.  I will always cherish the summer vacations my family had - mostly going camping or to port aransas staying in a beach house. We always went somewhere within driving distance even though they weren't very glamorous places and we never went to Disneyworld because we didn't have the money. The important part was that we had the time we spent together, the love of a family and the memories of spending time together with a summer family vacation. That is what is most important for myself  - spending real quality time together and that is what I am trying to recreate. I do it for the love, and I do it for this picture that I will hang up somewhere and remember our first family trip together as a new family of three.

Life is too short - A serious post for teens

As I sit here on the eve of an anniversary no friend, acquaintance, mother, father, sister or brother should ever have to experience or remember in their lifetime - I remind myself how precious life is and how important each moment we have on this earth is. The other reminder I have is that our words in some cases and in my opinion could contribute to unfortunate events, and even sometimes death. Bullying these days is a huge issue, it's sad how often you read about a high school student tormented enough to where they felt they had no other choice but to end their life.

Believing that you have no other option or way out is a dangerous lie to believe and I really, really wish more young people today knew how important their life is. Middle school and high school is but a flash, and in some cases I look back and laugh about how I believed certain things in my teenage mind were important when in reality and in the grand scheme of things - they were so insignificant.

As I break it down and try to understand - I believe it is just human nature to want to feel and to be accepted in your circle of friends and especially in your teenage years. Yes, rejection does suck but it's also a fact of life. Kids can be cruel - so cruel I don't think they even realize it until something horrible happens. In reality, even the bullies hurt or they wouldn't be hurting others w/mean words, threats, insults and in some cases beating other kids up.

I don't ever want to believe someone loses their life for no reason or purpose. I believe people aren't here by accident, that we are here for a reason and there are no coincidences. I also believe that some things that we cannot understand do have a purpose - even when we don't always see it.

I was someone on the outside looking in and just remember her big bouncing smile every once in a while after soccer practice when she would stop in for a quick visit to the office. From afar I watched her grow up from a pudgy young girl into a very beautiful young woman that had a promising future and an amazing life ahead of her. She was kind, always smiling and completely from the outside a strong young woman that showed no signs of low self esteem and seldom any sadness. She had no idea when she was here on this earth how many other people's lives she positively affected with her happy spirit.

If I can stress anything to a current middle school or high school student that might go through a traumatic change of events in their social life to where they feel their whole world is crashing down, and the thought of suicide is ever upon them (whether they are sober or not) -  just remember it won't always be that way. You are loved, your life is worth something. There is ALWAYS a way out - it's okay to talk about your feelings and emotions and it's okay to ask for help.

The other bit of advice I can give is no matter how cool your peers think drinking or doing drugs is in middle school or high school - it is of no benefit to you except to cloud your thinking and open up a Pandora's box of emotional problems because at 13, 14 15 or even 16 your brain is not even fully developed yet. Why can't it be cool to do the right thing? Why can't it be cool to treat others with kindness and live by the golden rule (you know treating others how you want to be treated?) Sometimes I ponder if certain kids have been through so much emotionally in their childhood - they want to feel pain because it's normal to them, so they treat others with pain, too. Or, maybe they have a lot of self loathing going on because of their own lies they started to believe at a very young age so the only way they know how to deal is with anger and hurt toward others. I cannot stress enough how your belief system shapes your life. What you believe is who you become, what you think is who you are and if you are in pain or hurting - the truth can make you free! Until you can get a hold of what your thoughts and beliefs are, it's difficult to change for the better, but it can be done.

It's okay to love yourself! Trust me - at 36 years old I am just now giving myself permission as I used to believe that taking good care of yourself and to love yourself was selfish. The truth is, you can't truly love another until you love yourself. Don't look to others for validation or self-worth. The sad fact is most of the time other people will let you down, we are all human and make mistakes. Know your self worth and stand firm in it.

The other bit of advice especially in difficult times -  people don't define you! Not everyone will like you and that's okay. You can't please everyone and if your so-called friends are going to decide to be mean to you or insult you all of a sudden - you can choose to no longer be their friend. Protect and surround yourself will supportive, positive people. It's not the end of the world to find a new group of friends in high school.

Another important truth to remember is that everyone has a choice whether to spew that insult or to hold their tongue. The hard way is the right way, the easy way is the wrong way. That is the one lesson I teach my kids - it's easy to blow up and throw a fit, it's hard to feel the emotion, choose not to immediately react to it and to practice self control. I wasn't taught how to take in my thoughts, evaluate them and then decide how to react. I just reacted, I would just say or do whatever came to mind and out of my mouth.  Now that I'm learning this tool - it is NOT easy but when you do the right thing, it is rewarding. Obedience is also hard - why should you listen to your parents? For one, it's respect. They are feeding you, clothing you, paying for everything you need to impress your friends (that new phone, those new clothes, that new video game, etc.) How much would it freak your parents out if you actually walked up to them one day and said thanks for all they do for you instead of complain to them as to what they aren't doing for you. Your parents are trying to provide a good life for you that they might not have had growing up - so don't take advantage of it.  Appreciate what you have, there are plenty of kids out there that grow up with nothing.  If your parents are like mine were - hopefully once you turn 18, you will be just like I was - left to provide for myself and pay for everything ON MY OWN. I even re-imbursed my parents for my car insurance and paid for my car myself, too. I got no free hand outs and if you do have parents that will continue to pay for your phone, car insurance, health insurance, etc. you better appreciate that fact instead of expecting them to continue to do that for you.

Last but not least - no one MAKES you do anything - this is another lie I believed and I became quite the blamer "if they hadn't of done that to me, I wouldn't have reacted this way - they MADE me do it"  This was the worst lie of them all - in reality all we can control is OURSELVES, our choices and that's it. We also control what we allow into our lives, if someone tells me I'm stupid or worthless and I believe it - that is because I didn't kick that lie back out and re-affirm that I'm worth plenty and they can go you know where for saying that to me. Don't allow lies and rubbish into your mind - and if someone throws a lie out there to be mean just tell them thanks for sharing, but that's not a true statement about me. Really say that and see what their response is.

My main reason for writing this entry is to remember a beautiful life that was taken too soon under a myriad of unfortunate events. If you are reading this and have ever insulted, bullied or hurt some one's feelings intentionally it's never too late to change. When you say something to hurt someone just remember you have no idea what they have been through in their  past, what they are going through now or how much what you say could affect them. Think really hard of what comes out of your mouth. I truly believe in some cases emotional wounds can cut deeper than physical ones. I'm not saying that physical abuse isn't just as tragic but what we say to others - the very critical, mean and hateful things are not easily forgotten and sadly we tend to hurt the ones we love. You become like the top 5 people you hang around with the most - who are your friends and what do they think is cool? It's something to ponder.

I will never forget where I was and what I was doing when I got that call and I'm sure Kebra Danielle Selah never knew how many lives she affected even with people that didn't know her that well or even at all.  I will never forget and I don't want others to either. If anything I hope this message might reach some teen somewhere and help them to realize that they are loved and worthy of a long, full life. I wish I could have done more, or helped more to get her message and story out to any kids that might be struggling with low self-esteem or suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately a lot of people don't want to bring up suicide or talk about the 'elephant in the room'. Your teenage years are so fleeting and truthfully I never truly began to live my life until I became a mother myself. It's tragic that suicide is the third leading cause of death among those 15-24.

There is so much more waiting for you, you just have to go through some storms in life to get to the clear skies and rainbows. Every time I see a butterfly, I think of Kebb. I know you are watching over your family and one day I know they will all see you again and that they miss you terribly. Kebb's death involved alcohol and I truly believe if she hadn't been drinking that fateful early morning, she would still be here today.  Because of Kebb's death, I made a decision to not drink alcohol around my children at all while they are growing up and since last March I have stopped drinking all together.  It's just a personal decision because this tragic loss has affected me pretty deep and honestly for me personally nothing good has ever come out of drinking alcohol. They always say what you do in moderation your kids will do in excess so I choose not to do that at all.  I want to set the example for my kids to do as I do, not to do as I say but not as I do.  If this story has touched you, and you are questioning some things in your life after reading this,  please think of Kebb and do something nice for someone today in her memory.

To learn more about Kebra, go to www.kebbsmiles.com

January 11, 1989 - July 29, 2004