I was going to write this blog about an incident I had with my kiddos last week but since I have just completed my third step study, I'm going to blog about my progress within my recovery. I really don't like the word recovery because when I say that people look at me like "Why are you in recovery - what is wrong with you?" They may wonder if I was an alcoholic or a drug addict but now I don't care what people think anymore, I'm not ashamed to admit I had issues and I am working on them. I don't like the word recovery but I did look it up in the dictionary and it's totally fitting and appropriate: restoration or return to any former and better state or condition. The truth is - because of my ability to consider that I may have issues because I kept getting into the wrong type of relationships, I am doing great now. The other part is that sometimes you have to go back pretty far to figure out why you might do the things you do. I was able to truly evaluate my life, find out what my issues were, where they began and learn some amazing tools on how to fix those issues. The great thing is that the tools really work and that anyone can change their defects of character into virtues - but that is only if they truly want change.
You know I listened to a great pod cast that was sent to me by my boss recently. It was very insightful about the brain and willpower. Here is a link if you would like to listen.
http://stitcher.com/s/player.php?AAUAAKPG_
The best part is at the end when the author states that everyone in some way is out of control in one area of their life. You don't have to be completely out of control in everything to seek recovery - it can be that one thing that may even be a secret but keeps you locked up inside. I just sat back and thought - you know she is probably right. Even if someone doesn't want to admit it - there is probably something in their life that isn't working. The area of my life was my personal relationships - not with my family or friends or even co-workers but with men. For some reason I just couldn't make it work but for the longest time I just believed it was only them and not me. A lot of times something drastic has to happen before you start to look at yourself and that is exactly what happened with me.
I tried Al-Anon because I had relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts. For me going to an Al-Anon meeting was sitting at a table with a bunch of women sharing all the things they didn't like about their current alcoholic/drug addict and I sat there listening to these women and I wanted to leave the meeting and go have a drink. No, seriously it was not solution based and there was no road map on how to get healing while dealing with or living with someone that has a drinking or drug problem. Needless to say, I didn't stay long and did not go through the steps with anyone there.
Fast forward a few years later and I was referred to a program out in Irving that has a great leader and program at this one church. I was going to support someone in their journey to get off drugs/alcohol. I actually stayed because after the first couple of weeks I realized I really needed to go through this for me. Sure, the first week I thought I was too good for this and that I really didn't have that many issues. In reality, I had enough issues that I needed to go through the step study and ended up doing 3 step studies almost back to back. Everyone thinks recovery is only for hard core alcoholics or drug addicts. That statement is false. Recovery is for anyone that has a problem trying to change something they know is counter productive or that is hindering them from being the person they know they are supposed to be. It could be depression, anxiety, negative thinking or beating yourself up for your past. It could be struggling with spending too much money, or flying off the handle often and you don't know why. It could be self hate or guilt and shame. It can be over eating or under eating - exercising too much or you work too much. The more I have learned when abstaining from a drug or alcohol, that actually is easy to measure - you don't drink or do drugs. It is much harder to abstain from being co-dependent, an enabler or a people pleaser. It's also hard to all of a sudden not care what people think about you if you have believed a bunch of lies for so long. It is a process but it can be done.
The thing I love about Celebrate Recovery is that it's for anyone and everyone. My main issues are being co-dependent, trying to control situations I have no control over, manipulation to get the outcome I desired, dealing with worry and anxiety, being judgemental, struggling with perfectionism, approval seeking and people pleasing. I cared too much what others thought of me so much so that it affected my decisions and reasons for doing certain things. My motives were not for me or necessarily for the right reason but to gain or win more acceptance. I thought my identity was what others thought of me. That was not a healthy way to live. I was also an enabler and that is definitely not a good thing either. The biggest word I was given during this journey is that in the bible with the story of the prodigal son - he did not go back to the father with a family member, girlfriend or wife dragging him back to the father. Sometimes you have to get out of God's way and let him do the work.
Before I started this I didn't know what a boundary was or how to set them and enforce them (I still struggle well with that). I wasn't a good communicator and if someone gave me criticism I would fly off the handle, get super defensive and attack them. I didn't apologize to my kids when I raised my voice or yelled - parent's are always supposed to be right and perfect? WRONG. That is the biggest thing I have learned - children need to learn that everyone makes mistakes sometimes and it's OK to make a mistake and then immediately admit you were wrong and apologize. I ask my children to forgive me when I mess up because I want them to do the same to others when they are wrong.
I realized I was in denial in a lot of ways and I also really didn't know who I was. Through my journey not only have I realized who I am but who I want to be. I also have a road map of how to get there. I don't know if I will ever "arrive" but I know that I will constantly be learning and growing and attempting to be the best me I can be.
I now have a better and more positive view of myself, I know my self worth and what I deserve as a human being. I am working on many different areas in my life and the best thing I can say that I have gotten out of this journey is accountability and peace. I am sharing my journey with a sponsor and they are helping lead me on the right path and supporting me even through my mistakes. I am giving myself more grace as I am stumbling through some bad decisions but I am learning from them and also attempting not to make the same mistakes over and over again. I have learned to love all of me - the good and the bad. Not sure why I believed it was selfish to love yourself - but how can you love anyone else if you don't love who you are to begin with? That has been a big lesson for me and I don't believe I have experienced a 'true love' as of yet but I know it's out there because I have a friend living that life right now and it gives me hope. My truest loves right now on this earth are my children. They are my number one motivation to stay on my recovery path so I can teach them these tools so that they can set boundaries, effectively communicate and deal with their emotions in a safe and productive way.
The biggest wish I have right now is for more people to learn this way of life. It's a free program and it's invaluable to anything I have learned to date in my life. It's better than the best deal for online clothes or shoes, it's better than the newest car or material thing. It was a life saver for me. It's awesome actually but sadly, in society today not a lot of people openly talk about their issues - they just put on a happy face even if there is a lot of pain behind that mask because I did that for too long. There is a better life than that. The other great thing I have experienced is that no matter what happens in my life or what craziness is thrown my way I can still live my life in a state of peace if I choose to even if there are chaotic things happening around me.
If my journey sounds interesting or you think you might benefit from what I have experienced - a new step study is starting next Friday, October 4 at 7pm in the chapel. There is FREE childcare every Friday night - that is the only way I was able to do this program on Friday nights was because of the childcare. It is a lot of work and will be an intense journey but no doubt it will change your life and for the better. www.calvarychurch.cc
If you are from outside of Dallas and reading this and would like to check a meeting out you can find one at www.celebraterecovery.com
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Sunday, September 2, 2012
First week back to school = character development!
What is character? Well the dictionary definition lists a couple of explanations: 1.
the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing. 2. qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity.
With those two definitions and myself being more and more aware of who I want to be, what choices I want to make and what new character I want to possess, this week was a lesson in developing my new character!
The old me made decisions and actions based on what I thought the other person wanted to hear from me, not really what was the best or right decision. (I can thank my people pleasing character defect for that). The old me used to act a certain way in hopes that another person would react in said way I believed they would if I did this or that. (I can thank my control issues for those previous mistakes). Unfortunately, I still struggle with this in dealing with my 6 year old son. It is sometimes very hard to speak the truth in love to a 6 year old (or my two year old daughter for that matter) when you are in the middle of pulling your hair out because of whatever situation with your kids that can drive you crazy if you let it.
I had some successes this week - my first grader got to school on time all week and I got to work on time all but the first day because I stuck around and made sure my boy would have a great day in his new first grader environment. The other success was getting Declin to school 5 minutes before the 8 am bell instead of giving him a hug at the front door as the 8am bell is ringing - hey small steps are better than none, right? I am working on getting him there promptly at 7:50 so he has time to transition into learning when the 8am bell rings, but that will require a few tweaks on my part. First off I have to make sure the right clothes are ready for him. My son is very particular about his shorts - they have to be comfortable and they have to be the colors he likes. The other issue are his shoes. Unfortunately, if Declin had his choice he would live in crocs 24 hours a day. That is not very realistic on P.E. day. I do have to fight my battles as we will go to a store, buy a brand new pair of shoes that he loves - he wears them all day the first day we get them, then next day of school in the morning he hates them - they hurt or they feel funny or he all of a sudden doesn't like them. The other issues are the socks. "The crease feels funny mom", "They are too big or too small, too tight or too loose" or some mornings "I hate these socks, mom.". What is a mom to do? Sometimes I just give up the fight and let him wear the crocs. If he has to sit out at P.E. - so be it that is his choice, not mine.
So one morning I lost it and yelled and couldn't believe all of a sudden these shoes he wore all day before wouldn't work this morning for school. I yelled and I was not nice. I had to apologize and admit I was wrong. That is a hard thing to do in front of your own child. I realize if I did not apologize, then my kids would believe yelling and screaming are acceptable or OK and it's not. Talk about pushing your ego and pride aside - aren't parent's always supposed to be right? Oh wait - that is my lie of perfectionism creeping in that I have to be good and right and perfect at everything. The real truth is how would my kids learn right from wrong if I didn't display some negative examples every once in a while so I can give an example of how NOT to act. The key is to own up to my wrong behavior and teach my children that you need to promptly admit when you are wrong and own up to your own behavior and choices. That is a huge new thing for me but I have to teach this life lesson whether I like it or not.
My second further development of my character came Friday when I dropped my son off to school and said "Don't forget to tell the teacher I will be picking you up at 3pm - see you then." I am very blessed to be able to work from home on Friday's and I get my son at 3pm so he doesn't have to stay in the after school program on Friday. He is also a great helper with his sister so it works out well. Little did I know my daughter would get a rash with pain that could not be ignored later in the day and by the time I made the doctor appointment all they had available was a 2:15 appointment. I knew I wouldn't be done by 3 - it is a minimum hour excursion to the doctor every time. I sent an e-mail to Declin's teacher and apologized that I wouldn't be there at 3 and to send Declin to the after school program. The doctor appointment was over by 3:20 so I promptly and quickly drove to pick Declin up because my guilt was creeping up and I felt really bad. I pick him up and he's not happy to see me.
We get in the car, he sits in his booster with knees up, arms crossed over his knees, head buried down in his crossed arms with sounds of light sobs. Here it is - my failure of the day - the broken promise - essentially I lied to him because what I told him would happen did not happen at all. I am very happy that Declin articulated his emotions so well and said "Mom, I'm upset because I had to go to PACE (the after school program) and you said you would get me at three - you lied." He totally called it. The old me would justify, minimize and say - I didn't lie - things just didn't go as planned. Even though I did not intentionally lie to my son, it still turned out as a lie because my commitment to him was not fulfilled. I said "you are absolutely right son and I'm so sorry - please forgive me."
That is hard to say as well - isn't my son the one supposed to be saying that to me for all the "I hate yous" or the temper tantrums because he doesn't get the toy he wants at Target? I learned some humility on Friday. The funny part of all this is the end of the conversation: "Mom, I am also upset because you came and got me from PACE. If you send me to PACE on a Friday again, please don't pick me up until the end." Really? I wasn't exactly prepared for that response. Sometimes I really think my kids want to be with me all the time. Ha. Well at least I know my son loves his after school program! We just made an agreement. I validated his feelings and apologized. I also let him know that from this point on if I miss the commitment again of picking him up at 3 on a Friday it will only be if Deirdre is sick or something has happened (Last year my truck was totaled and that was the only other time I didn't get him at 3pm as I had to wait for the tow truck and get a rental car). I also agreed that if he has to go to PACE on a Friday, I won't get him until close to 6pm so he can play with his friends.
And last but not least my other test of my character came when I inadvertently door dinged a co-worker's car at work this week and seriously debated on telling them or not. And of course it had to be a very expensive car at that. The old me would have just been like "no one saw, it's OK" but then I have recently learned that you can lie by omission. That truth hurts as well. I sat on the reality that I did that for a couple of hours and eventually had to own up to it. I am waiting to see how much that will cost me, but no matter what at least I know I did the right thing even though it exposed my very embarrassing trait of not paying attention to my surroundings all the time. Clumsy could be myfirst middle name. I have bruises all over my legs from banging myself up with my bike, by running into things in my apartment - you name it I have probably done it within the definition of clumsy. That part of me is hard to overcome because I have been that way as long as I can remember but I can always try to pay better attention in the future.
The more I am here on this earth and the older I get the more I think life is like school - just a bunch of tests along the way. What matters is whether you do what is right or wrong based on the situation that is presented in front of you. The truth is you always have a choice to do the right thing - no matter how bad it is or how bad you think it is. I cannot name ONE time to where I have told the truth in a situation and received the negative or explosive response that I feared and imagined would happen. I have also realized the truth does set me free - now I don't have guilt for not telling said person I door dinged their car. I don't have guilt that I minimized my son's feelings by not telling him he was right and that I did end up lying to him even though it wasn't intentional. I owned up to my own choices and behaviors and attempted to make it right as much as I could.
We all make mistakes - we all hurt people - especially the ones we love but what matters is how we make our attempt to make our mistakes right and how we address other people's emotions when we were in the wrong. It takes a lot inside for me to admit I'm wrong and to ask someone to forgive me. The more I practice these principles, the better I feel at night when I go to sleep - my slate is clean and I am ready for the next day. I don't have an icky feeling at the end of the day and not know why because I have some unfinished business with someone or that I need to go back and fess up to something I did. My goal is peace the older I get and the more I live my life and try to make the best decisions I can - the right ones, the more peace I gain no matter what tests are thrown my way. I'm looking forward to many more tests in this life and also enjoying the moments that are most important to me - time with my family, time with nature, taking care of myself in a healthy way and taking each day as it comes with no expectations. I may sound like a really boring person these days but I am filling my soul with what is important to me instead of what is important to the world. It's not easy but it is rewarding to me and what keeps me going is peace I gain each day from knowing I'm making right decisions most of the time, and if I'm not I'm at least owning up to my wrongs and attempting to make them right.
With those two definitions and myself being more and more aware of who I want to be, what choices I want to make and what new character I want to possess, this week was a lesson in developing my new character!
The old me made decisions and actions based on what I thought the other person wanted to hear from me, not really what was the best or right decision. (I can thank my people pleasing character defect for that). The old me used to act a certain way in hopes that another person would react in said way I believed they would if I did this or that. (I can thank my control issues for those previous mistakes). Unfortunately, I still struggle with this in dealing with my 6 year old son. It is sometimes very hard to speak the truth in love to a 6 year old (or my two year old daughter for that matter) when you are in the middle of pulling your hair out because of whatever situation with your kids that can drive you crazy if you let it.
I had some successes this week - my first grader got to school on time all week and I got to work on time all but the first day because I stuck around and made sure my boy would have a great day in his new first grader environment. The other success was getting Declin to school 5 minutes before the 8 am bell instead of giving him a hug at the front door as the 8am bell is ringing - hey small steps are better than none, right? I am working on getting him there promptly at 7:50 so he has time to transition into learning when the 8am bell rings, but that will require a few tweaks on my part. First off I have to make sure the right clothes are ready for him. My son is very particular about his shorts - they have to be comfortable and they have to be the colors he likes. The other issue are his shoes. Unfortunately, if Declin had his choice he would live in crocs 24 hours a day. That is not very realistic on P.E. day. I do have to fight my battles as we will go to a store, buy a brand new pair of shoes that he loves - he wears them all day the first day we get them, then next day of school in the morning he hates them - they hurt or they feel funny or he all of a sudden doesn't like them. The other issues are the socks. "The crease feels funny mom", "They are too big or too small, too tight or too loose" or some mornings "I hate these socks, mom.". What is a mom to do? Sometimes I just give up the fight and let him wear the crocs. If he has to sit out at P.E. - so be it that is his choice, not mine.
So one morning I lost it and yelled and couldn't believe all of a sudden these shoes he wore all day before wouldn't work this morning for school. I yelled and I was not nice. I had to apologize and admit I was wrong. That is a hard thing to do in front of your own child. I realize if I did not apologize, then my kids would believe yelling and screaming are acceptable or OK and it's not. Talk about pushing your ego and pride aside - aren't parent's always supposed to be right? Oh wait - that is my lie of perfectionism creeping in that I have to be good and right and perfect at everything. The real truth is how would my kids learn right from wrong if I didn't display some negative examples every once in a while so I can give an example of how NOT to act. The key is to own up to my wrong behavior and teach my children that you need to promptly admit when you are wrong and own up to your own behavior and choices. That is a huge new thing for me but I have to teach this life lesson whether I like it or not.
My second further development of my character came Friday when I dropped my son off to school and said "Don't forget to tell the teacher I will be picking you up at 3pm - see you then." I am very blessed to be able to work from home on Friday's and I get my son at 3pm so he doesn't have to stay in the after school program on Friday. He is also a great helper with his sister so it works out well. Little did I know my daughter would get a rash with pain that could not be ignored later in the day and by the time I made the doctor appointment all they had available was a 2:15 appointment. I knew I wouldn't be done by 3 - it is a minimum hour excursion to the doctor every time. I sent an e-mail to Declin's teacher and apologized that I wouldn't be there at 3 and to send Declin to the after school program. The doctor appointment was over by 3:20 so I promptly and quickly drove to pick Declin up because my guilt was creeping up and I felt really bad. I pick him up and he's not happy to see me.
We get in the car, he sits in his booster with knees up, arms crossed over his knees, head buried down in his crossed arms with sounds of light sobs. Here it is - my failure of the day - the broken promise - essentially I lied to him because what I told him would happen did not happen at all. I am very happy that Declin articulated his emotions so well and said "Mom, I'm upset because I had to go to PACE (the after school program) and you said you would get me at three - you lied." He totally called it. The old me would justify, minimize and say - I didn't lie - things just didn't go as planned. Even though I did not intentionally lie to my son, it still turned out as a lie because my commitment to him was not fulfilled. I said "you are absolutely right son and I'm so sorry - please forgive me."
That is hard to say as well - isn't my son the one supposed to be saying that to me for all the "I hate yous" or the temper tantrums because he doesn't get the toy he wants at Target? I learned some humility on Friday. The funny part of all this is the end of the conversation: "Mom, I am also upset because you came and got me from PACE. If you send me to PACE on a Friday again, please don't pick me up until the end." Really? I wasn't exactly prepared for that response. Sometimes I really think my kids want to be with me all the time. Ha. Well at least I know my son loves his after school program! We just made an agreement. I validated his feelings and apologized. I also let him know that from this point on if I miss the commitment again of picking him up at 3 on a Friday it will only be if Deirdre is sick or something has happened (Last year my truck was totaled and that was the only other time I didn't get him at 3pm as I had to wait for the tow truck and get a rental car). I also agreed that if he has to go to PACE on a Friday, I won't get him until close to 6pm so he can play with his friends.
And last but not least my other test of my character came when I inadvertently door dinged a co-worker's car at work this week and seriously debated on telling them or not. And of course it had to be a very expensive car at that. The old me would have just been like "no one saw, it's OK" but then I have recently learned that you can lie by omission. That truth hurts as well. I sat on the reality that I did that for a couple of hours and eventually had to own up to it. I am waiting to see how much that will cost me, but no matter what at least I know I did the right thing even though it exposed my very embarrassing trait of not paying attention to my surroundings all the time. Clumsy could be my
The more I am here on this earth and the older I get the more I think life is like school - just a bunch of tests along the way. What matters is whether you do what is right or wrong based on the situation that is presented in front of you. The truth is you always have a choice to do the right thing - no matter how bad it is or how bad you think it is. I cannot name ONE time to where I have told the truth in a situation and received the negative or explosive response that I feared and imagined would happen. I have also realized the truth does set me free - now I don't have guilt for not telling said person I door dinged their car. I don't have guilt that I minimized my son's feelings by not telling him he was right and that I did end up lying to him even though it wasn't intentional. I owned up to my own choices and behaviors and attempted to make it right as much as I could.
We all make mistakes - we all hurt people - especially the ones we love but what matters is how we make our attempt to make our mistakes right and how we address other people's emotions when we were in the wrong. It takes a lot inside for me to admit I'm wrong and to ask someone to forgive me. The more I practice these principles, the better I feel at night when I go to sleep - my slate is clean and I am ready for the next day. I don't have an icky feeling at the end of the day and not know why because I have some unfinished business with someone or that I need to go back and fess up to something I did. My goal is peace the older I get and the more I live my life and try to make the best decisions I can - the right ones, the more peace I gain no matter what tests are thrown my way. I'm looking forward to many more tests in this life and also enjoying the moments that are most important to me - time with my family, time with nature, taking care of myself in a healthy way and taking each day as it comes with no expectations. I may sound like a really boring person these days but I am filling my soul with what is important to me instead of what is important to the world. It's not easy but it is rewarding to me and what keeps me going is peace I gain each day from knowing I'm making right decisions most of the time, and if I'm not I'm at least owning up to my wrongs and attempting to make them right.
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