Reflecting for a moment, and moving right along..

Today marks over a year for me to only be living with myself and my children. I wouldn't even have remembered the the fact that it was around this time last year unless it wasn't for a recent event that brought back and triggered a lot of memories I experienced in 2012 around this time. As I was speaking with my sponsor - I had to sit back and reflect on the progress I have made, even though I have much further to go. Progress is for me to know where I am currently, know where I ultimately want to be and also who I want to become. Earlier this week was a test for me and I would have to say if I was being graded, I would have passed, maybe like an 85 out of 100 but way better than where I would have gone one year ago. I definitely would have failed a year ago, no doubt. The sad thing is I had been in recovery for a good 11 months in early 2012 but it took that long for me to get strength, clarity and enough truth to realize that I had to make decisions first and foremost for myself and my children instead of the person I was unhealthily enmeshed in deep co-dependency with. I wanted to save them, help them but ultimately I created some extreme toxicity by trying to control, manipulate and fix all to no avail. 

If you hurt me, boy I was going to dig just as deep and go off. I was going to make you pay if you went there. Horrible things would be said, extremely juvenile actions would be taken by me - I would get right down to the other person's level and fight in the trenches with them. Even though I gained a lot of communication tools within my recovery, it was much easier to go back to my old habits and it was a very slow process for me. I didn't really see the extreme co-dependency I had until I was out of it. I was too connected and intertwined. I had lost me - actually I don't think I ever knew me, I was always focused on others, my children included. I also realized my motives were all wrong, trying to do something to get a specific reaction, or choosing to do something to jeopardize my beliefs because I was a huge people pleaser. Sometimes it can be debilitating if you end up making decisions for others because the resentment and anger comes even though it was you that made those decisions, not them.  I am still working hard to ensure my kids grow up as individuals and do not have to rely too much on me, or we will repeat some of the same negative behaviors I had practiced for so long. 

The feelings I felt this week were pretty extreme. I don't think I have had those feelings, well for about a year. Anger, borderline boiling anger, disbelief, betrayal, frustration that people don't operate like I do by sticking by their word or walking in integrity which ultimately equals honesty. I could have chosen to do SOO many things I would have regretted later but I believe I practiced the most self control I have had in a very long time, if ever. I was able to process my feelings - accept them for what they were and realize I had totally been taken advantage of, so what was I going to do about it? I  ultimately decided to reset my boundaries to ensure protection and to make sure that never happens to me again. I realized that my  emotions just are - they are neither good nor bad and that's ok. For me what matters most is how I react to my emotions. I could have sought revenge and then I realized the best revenge is living your best life and not allowing people to bring you right down with them. I was able to keep my peace even though I had those feelings. I truly believe now that the term of turning the other cheek really is about rising above all of the BS and negativity that people throw at you mostly to get a reaction or to just project their miserable state onto you. Turning the other cheek is not getting revenge, not even showing them you are angry, just moving on and not letting someone else affect your peace. It's not fighting fire with fire but loving that person anyway no matter how many times they have hurt you. No don't mis-understand me continuing to love the person no matter what does not mean you have to put up with being mistreated or to be an enabler. You can set firm boundaries with someone and still pray for them and tell them you love them, you just hate their choices in life. No matter what someone says or does to you, you can choose how that other person affects you. You can let them in and ruin your day, or you can transcend and move on. I chose to state my feelings, stick with the facts of what happened, and form a plan to ensure I cannot be affected by that person again in the same way. 

In the past year I have also had to process the loss. Even though toward the end things were really, really bad I still have a loss of love, of the relationship, of the family. You don't just have two children with someone if there wasn't something there to begin with. I wish things were different, but the aren't. My life is what it is right now and I am constantly reminded that I am moving on with my life, attempting to learn, grow and stay aware in a truth based reality (not my previously made up one that was wrapped up in denial for so long). I have accountability now if I do in fact start veering off course and showing some pretty bad character defects.  

I am a work in progress and I would only wish what I went through to happen to someone else if they were able to learn and grow from a really hard time. I had to look inward instead of outward, seek help and make changes. Being a former co-dependent control freak, I truly used to believe there was nothing wrong with me and it was just the relationships I used to be in, and it was all the other person's fault.  Humility and personal responsibility is a huge sobering reality that came with a lot of guilt for me - but the key was that I didn't dwell on the mistakes I made - I had to accept them and know that no matter what I had done, God has forgiven me since I believe in him and completed step 5. The best amends are living amends which is proving to the world, yourself and others that you do have the capacity for change and growth and that you finally choose to live a different way no matter what you have done in your past. Sure, you have to be extremely humble, gain other people's trust back slowly by showing them you want to live a different way, and you have to show that by consistent action towards doing the right thing. 

Everyone on this earth can manifest character and integrity into their lives even if they are the most unreliable and unbelievable people you would know. I have met so many people who have transformed into a completely different person thanks to doing the work required and changing the way they think and replacing the lies they have believed for so long with truth. We are not just talking minor things here - we are talking addictions, lying, stealing, cheating, co-dependency, severe anxiety, deep and major depression -  you name it major character defects have been overcome and replaced by virtues for those who want it. It's not easy and there's no short cut to get to doing the right thing, but for those that are willing and truly give up it all up to God and let him do the work - that is where the healing can begin. Coming from one that still struggles well with control, I have had to give so many things to God over and over again to slowly start to live a different live. I still screw up, I still make mistakes, but I attempt to 'make them good' as promptly as I can and I keep in frequent communication with my sponsor if I happen to be doing something I think is right, but in reality my motive could be all wrong. 

I reflected on the past year this week, acknowledged the hurt, pain and struggles I experienced but also look forward to a new year, new life and new beginnings that await me in 2013. I recently made a major move to another city even though I was fearful  and unsure if it was the right decision, I took a leap of faith and it is working out great for me. I have peace, I live in a super fit town, all of the goals I can accomplish this year can be done in Austin, TX. The only way I realized I can move forward was by letting go of the past. Truly letting go of my past relationships - focusing on myself and my children and keep putting my wants, desires and worries in my God box.  I have to accept that  I  have made mistakes, I went through a hard time but in the long run I am better for it now than I ever was. I am thankful for my hardships because they forced me to choose what I want, what I need and to really force me to take a long and hard look at myself and no one else. 

If you want to learn more about a successful process for changing your life for the better, check out www.celebraterecovery.com to find a group near you. It's been a life changing experience for me after I got over the stigma of "recovery".  We are all broken and flawed in some way, why not get some healing instead of pretending everything is ok. I wore a mask for a really long time telling the world everything is all right, when it was really all so very wrong. The good news is no matter how dark a place you may or may not be in, you can always choose to change yourself because in the end, you are the only thing you can control in this world, and I learned that the really hard way. 

I can't put a value on having a mentor..

I am taking 2013 head on this year with major changes in my life - more major than any I have probably made in my entire life.  I can't stress enough the importance of doing life with someone that is further ahead than I am and can lead me to the root and truth of why I want to do the things I sometimes want to do. I call her a sponsor - most people can relate to the word "mentor". I often like to include the definition so I can get a better description in my head. Here is the definition of mentor and sponsor.

Mentor: 
1. A wise and trusted counselor or teacher. 
2. An influential senior sponsor and supporter. 

Sponsor (using the two entries that are relevant):
1. A person who vouches or is responsible for another. 
2. A person who makes a pledge or promise on behalf of another. 

I like the mentor definition best - my sponsor is a wise and trusted person that I go to for many questions and issues I have regarding my motives, my emotions and sometimes just to vent. I am not judged by her, I am accepted and then counseled for what the RIGHT thing to do is, not just how I might be feeling at that moment. Most of the time my first reaction based only on my feelings is the wrong one.  I could also call her an accountability partner but she is much more than that. 

I am in recovery and found my sponsor at celebrate recovery. You can find a mentor or sponsor anywhere, but CR was the best place for me because I have relationship issues and people pleasing issues and control issues and I chose someone that has been through similar situations as mine and has come out on the other side and has been able to have a great life regardless of what she has been through. Her life is still full of some chaos and some hard decisions, but she still keeps her peace by enforcing her boundaries and taking care of herself. I have an example to go off of, some encouragement that even though right now I don't like where I am and I do not like being a single mom, I am living life the best way I know how right now for myself and my kids. I also know it won't always be this way. 

My sponsor has already been through the other side of what I am going through right now so I can lean on her to get through this. Life is not meant to be done alone - for anyone. I had to seek out help though, I had to go outside of my regular circles to where I could get all the validation I needed to justify my wrong decisions and actions through friends or family because they are always going to be on my team - regardless of whether what I am doing is the best thing for myself and my kids. My mentor on the other hand, she will call me out for getting out of my lane. She will tell me when my action might be backed by the wrong motive. We have lots of slogans at CR and I love it because I know exactly what she means when she tells me I'm getting out of my lane - when I am getting in someone else's business or want to say something to someone that frankly is none of my business or not of my concern. I gave her permission and I look forward to her corrections because it means I am learning and growing based on the mistakes I still freely choose to make. 

I have probably called her the most last month because December was a really difficult time for me, a lot of decisions were made, a lot of feelings I didn't want to feel were felt but I got through it. I am moving forward and I luckily have some clarity and confirmation that the decisions I made were the right ones even though some will not agree. I am OK with that fact because I know in my heart of hearts that my decisions were heavily weighed, prayed upon, and run by many different people I considered mentors in my professional life and I know that what I am doing in the long run will benefit my children even though there will be an adjustment period in between. 

I also want to clearly state that I still totally get out of my lane, say things and do things out of a reaction to my feelings instead of thinking it through and calling my sponsor first. It is a struggle with me because my addiction and issue was/is with my ex, and we have two children together so it's not like I can just never talk to him again. I have to do the right thing regardless of how I feel. It's so hard to explain my feelings in regards to that situation and I don't think anyone can relate to me unless they have been in a very co-dependent type of relationship or a relationship that is a love addiction scenario but in this case, that is not a good thing.  I didn't want it to end, I didn't want to put my kids through a divorce but I also didn't want to live a life that was not what God wanted for any of us. I want to be equally yoked with someone and when two people are on two different planets in regards to their wants needs and what is most important in life (mainly your priorities), it doesn't work.  Everyone has a choice in this life and you can either live based on what you want when you want it, or you can choose a different way. I chose the hard way. I always tell my kids that that the easy way is the wrong way and the right way is the hard way. It's not easy to walk out attempting to do the right thing everyday. When I do the wrong thing, I promptly admit it. I had to apologize for withholding the move from my ex for a week. I wanted him to enjoy his Christmas with the kids and not worry about the fact we would be in a different city soon. I totally judged that one wrong. My motive wasn't to hurt or deceive, it was to attempt to time the delivery right, but now I know just to be upfront and prompt in regards to the kids from this point forward because that is what I would have wanted - I was getting into assuming what he would have wanted instead of just doing the right thing. Lesson learned. 

I used to have motives that were not good - I did things to please others, I did things to gain approval from others, I did things to try and get the response I wanted out of the other person and fought evil for evil because I was hurt and it always backfired every time.  The only thing I got out of people pleasing was losing myself and not knowing what I really want and need and the only thing I ever got out of trying to control someone was more heartache and pain because I can only control myself, but I sure did try and for so long. For the first time I am actually attempting to have pure motives in all of my decisions that some can say are selfish - but that's in a good way. You have to take care of yourself first to be able to take care of others and you have to know what you want and need to be in relationship with someone else which is why I am now single because I am figuring me out. I am just focusing on replacing all my jacked up habits with good ones and my sponsor is helping me with that. I am a work in progress but it's so nice and awesome to actually have someone to go to that I know has my best interest at heart for me, that I gave permission to call me out on anything that is not the right thing, and to help me out and lead me down the right path. 

I honestly do not know where I would be or what crazy things I would have done in 2012 had I not had a sponsor that has been there for me, that I can count on and also for my willingness to totally utilize her. If you are interested in celebrate recovery, finding a sponsor and doing life a different way, go to www.celebraterecovery.com