Two Years Ago....this month.

I don't share a ton of personal information on this blog - I try to keep it based in the principles and tools I have learned throughout my journey in recovery in hopes of helping others. I will share the reasons for the two year chip I received last night because it means a lot to me personally. This is my journey and mine alone - the reasons why are mine but if you care to read them, maybe some people who's lives are involved around kids will think about the lifestyle and example they are living in front of those kids because sometimes, you just never know how negatively something that society deems fun, exciting and cool can effect a young child's life - and yes even inadvertently lead to their death. 

I have had my fair share of drinking and partying in my life - mostly in my first marriage because once I turned 21 that is all we started doing - checking out the new bar, becoming friends w/the new bartender and picking various home bars. Life was a party back then and surely revolved around alcohol. Fast forward to marriage number two and I was drinking often with the new boyfriend before I got pregnant to cope with the destruction of my first marriage failing. Shortly after I started dating soon to be second husband, I actually realized this was not a good idea because I would just be repeating my behaviors with my 1st marriage in this new relationship so I cut back even though I didn't fully stop drinking. 

After having our son we lived in a nice house in North Dallas. Declin was only about 2 or 3 and we met the neighbors out front on a weekend and I watched as their 3 year old daughter brought "special juice" to her daddy who was drinking beer on a Saturday in the front lawn. At this point my second husband was a personal trainer and we were pretty healthy at that time so we didn't have liquor or alcohol in our house so Declin didn't really know about beer - he had maybe seen mom and dad drink some wine with certain meals but it wasn't that often. Seeing even a 3 year old know that it's only something adults have and know that beer is a part of her dad's life even if in moderation really stuck with me. 

I was drinking wine for a couple of weeks at home when I was going through some personal issues when Declin was about 3 (this was my coping mechanism at the time). Declin wasn't even in school yet so he hadn't learned about drugs or alcohol but still told me to stop drinking it because I did have to tell him it was something he couldn't drink. That affected me. After I had my daughter I was seriously considering not drinking in the house and set the example that even casual drinking is not a good thing to do. Shortly after my daughter was born, I began attending Celebrate Recovery and after getting into my step study and listening to the teacher who is now my sponsor - one thing hit home with me and stuck and that is when I made my decision to stop drinking. I started my step study in Jan 2011. I went to CR for someone else but stayed for myself because I needed healing and to figure out why I did the things I did in my jacked up relationships. 

My job and industry is just filled with happy hours, mixers and lunches all provided with free alcohol, wine or beer. For a while that was my rule - I will only drink if it's a social and work event because then I will be blending in with everyone else and of course I wouldn't be paying for it. Ha - I also did that with cigarettes for a while when I used to smoke - I will just BUM cigs and not pay for them so that way I'm not a full blown smoker/drinker and that makes it totally ok. haha. 

That was my justification for still doing things I wanted to do and setting an example at home of what I feel the kids need to see - the non drinking or smoking mommy. During one of my teachings in my step study it was pointed out that you are only in integrity with yourself when who you say you are or present yourself to be and who you really are is the same. On March 11 of 2011, I attended a luncheon at work for one of the Houston stations I bought and there was great free food and drinks. I had a lovely steak and a glass of red wine. I got back to work, felt like crap after drinking that glass because all I wanted to do was take a nap. Then all the reasons why I should NOT drink flooded my mind and then I asked the question what is even the point to have one glass for me? The taste? Just so I look like I fit in because everyone else is drinking? I cannot drink to get drunk - I am not made that way as I suffer from alcohol poisoning if I reach a certain point and dry heaving for 8 hours after a night of drinking a lot is no fun to me. Then I thought - what good has ever come from drinking? Crazy stories have come from people drinking too much - I can name numerous fights that happened because people were drunk, I can name 3 cars in my lifetime that were wrecked or totaled from both of my exes because of their drinking or drugging and then driving. I can name nights where I can't even remember what happened, nights where people threw up and passed out, nights where people slept with people they shouldn't have because of alcohol.  To me all of those experiences  do NOT equal a good time. 

I can name two tragic events as to why I hate alcohol and the most defining reasons why I chose to quit drinking. One is because my very good friend Edward Glenn Batte (RIP) was hit by a drunk driver while on a motorcycle and died shortly after arriving at the hospital. The other is when a 15 year old girl drank too much beer in her parents' fridge in the garage on a fateful summer night. Her choice to drink alcohol I know further depressed her current state of mind and she ended up taking 10-14 antihistamine pills which who would of known the combination of both would be deadly. There is no doubt in my mind she would not have taken those pills if she would have been sober.  If that would have been my daughter how guilty would I feel for having that alcohol in the house? I am not saying we can shield our kids from them making horrible decisions, that could have happened at a friend's house, too. My question to myself is how am I going to live my life in front of my kids? What example am I going to set for them? Without going into too much detail - both of my exes started drinking alcohol at a very young age - like 12 or 13. One had access to their parents' stash in the house and the other one watched their father drink beers in his car and hide that from their mom. 

I also thought - what if I was drinking one night while their dad had the kids and I accidentally drank too much and got popped with a DWI? I could lose my kids! There is just no reason or point for me to drink being a single mom. Too much on the line plus addiction runs through the veins of my family and I am not going to take the chance. 

All in all the ultimate decision for me was to be in integrity with myself and my kids so that who I am while in front of them and who I am while away from them are the same. I am not a hypocrite with them and that was my main decision as to why. Will I not drink forever? I don't know I do miss wine with a good steak but I don't crave it. I was surrounded by free flowing liquor at Rachel Ray's Feedback during SXSW and had no desire whatsoever to drink. I had an amazing day, too because I chose to be healthy and did not envy people stumbling out of the place after drinking from 10am-4pm that day.  I just really hope they were not about to hop in a car and drive somewhere.

I don't care what people think anymore or I would have continued to drink to "fit in". Some people look at me like I have two heads and some are like that's cool. I don't care. I see the destruction that drinking, drugs and addiction has had in my life and in others' lives. I am living a healthier lifestyle, doing my first triathlon next month - so of course I don't need to drink. It just doesn't fit into my lifestyle at all. It's really hard to believe it's been two years since that luncheon - it doesn't even seem like it and I don't really miss it. One last saying that sticks with me is what you do in moderation your kids will do in excess. I also know that I could set an amazing example and my kids could still go off the rails when they get into their teenage years - I'm fully aware of that but at least I know that what I did for myself and my kids is the right thing to do regardless of the outcome. Please contact me if you are wanting more info about Celebrate Recovery or getting healing from jacked up relationships, past hurts that hinder your current life, negative habits, guilt and shame or anything that is keeping you from living an abundant and full life. 

Single and Loving It??

So it's been over a year since I left my relationship. It has actually gone by pretty quickly. This week has been a week where I am totally not loving being single but I am still learning to accept it. I am including this video below of one of my favorite songs ever, 23 by Jimmy Eat World and one of the verses hit me and is relevant to my situation right now. 

So the verse is "I won't always love what I'll never have." I had to think about that and I actually will always love the idea of what I definitely don't have right now but I do want. Who knows if I will ever have it - but earlier this week I was definitely feeling like I will always be alone aside from co-workers, friends, family and of course my kids.  I can love and acknowledge the fact that there are other people out there living their lives with the one they are supposed to be with. I tried to force love, I tried to make a relationship into something it most definitely was not. I hoped, wanted and believed that love would conquer all, that anything could be overcome. Unfortunately, I realized that even what I hoped and wished that all I could ever do was control myself and decide what I wanted out of life and any relationship. I decided I didn't want to be in a relationship that wasn't in sync, where each individuals' wants and desires for their own life and family were no where near the same. They might have been the same in theory or in words, but all that really matters ultimately is what you end up doing, not what you end up saying.

Being single has it's perks, most definitely. I don't have to worry about what someone else is thinking or feeling - if I am disappointing them or not. There is no worry of trust being broken because it's just me. I don't have to work with someone else's schedule for the week - I just do what I need to do for myself and my kids without having to run it by anyone else.  I still want to believe though that a relationship can happen where two people implicitly trust each other, have each other's backs, inspire each other to be better and ultimately work together to solve problems and issues in a non-toxic way. I know I need to be telling myself that the best is yet to come but it's really easy to get stuck in my negative self-pitied thoughts. If my lot in life is to be a single mom until I die - so be it. That is not what I want deep down - I think everyone out there in this world just wants to be loved by someone else - not in a brotherly, sisterly or motherly way. I also think I'm still in mourning. I am processing the loss of the relationship - my family being broken up and the lie that I gave up when I know that I did everything in my own power to convey the wants and needs of myself and my kids - it just didn't work out because each individual person's desire for how they spend their time and what they want to do with their own life ended up being completely different.  It is what it is and I'm accepting that fact. 

I have come to the conclusion that based on my own experience - the easy thing was staying in my defective relationship because I didn't want to be alone. I've been there and done that but wasted a couple more years of my life because I trusted again and got burned again so it's not worth it. The act of leaving has been the hardest thing yet.  I now know what qualities I seek and desire in a person and even though I truly believe both of my exes had those qualities deep down in them and they were just waiting to come out - in the end their actions definitely spoke louder than their words. In any relationship all you have to go off of is what the person actually ends up doing - not what they say. When their words don't match up with their actions, they lack integrity.  Your character and your integrity can be changed believe it or not. Most people don't want to do the work required to have integrity with themselves because it sure as heck ain't easy  - trust me I know. I have no regrets though - I have two beautiful children and I am where I am today because of what I have experienced in my past. 

It's not easy to be the one to apologize when you are even just 2% wrong but you do it anyway because it's the right thing to do. It's not easy to hold your tongue when you are so used to letting it say the first thing you want that pops in your head even though it's not the right thing to say. It's not easy to say no. I was such a people pleaser before and didn't want to let anyone down but that caused me to over-extend myself and then end up breaking commitments. I'd rather just decline than commit to something and then flake. Hopefully the people I say no to won't take it personally. That is my other fault - I care too much what others think even though I know that what others think of me is none of my business. 

I believe most of us want to be loved, accepted, understood and experience a kind of unconditional love with an intimate partner. That last part is tricky because when you are intimately involved with someone on a day to day basis whether you like it or not you still  have certain expectations with the one you picked to spend the rest of your life with. I now realize that I didn't even know what I truly wanted in a mate until it was too late. I had a reckless abandon for love and just believed that love would conquer and fix all. That was very naive of me to think that one's conditioned habits that they have learned and practiced their entire life would just disappear and be replaced with noble and responsible actions all in the name of love or because a life or two was created. I will never understand why certain people make certain decisions in their life - but for once instead of telling someone what I think they should do (which of course was my MO for many years), I am going to live my life to the best of my ability whether I'm in a relationship or not. I could have let my pity party get out of control. I could have said to screw this triathlon because it is very hard for me to work 40+ hours a week and still work in some training time while taking care of all the responsibilities with the kids as well. I could have let my loneliness grow but instead I realized being lonely is a choice - yes I am alone but I will choose not to allow myself to feel lonely all the time. 

I still believe in love but now at least I have completely and totally raised my requirements of what I do and do not want in a man. I also realize I am definitely shrinking down prospects for available men due to my standards now, but I also know I'm worth it and I'm not going to budge on what I require and what I want. If it just so happens that said amazing man walks into my life one day - I  will be ready. Until then, I will just need to be thankful that I don't have anyone to focus on or worry about except myself and my kids and also realize I will have challenges with my schedule and what I am physically able to do by myself and with the kids. 

Sure, I would love to do life with someone, to not sleep alone, to have someone that loves my kids as much as I do, enjoys doing the same types of things as I do and also has a drive to be successful in life and to follow their passions. If a man never walks into my life, then so be it. I will be a mother to my kids and all they will know is that mom poured her life into them because I already made a vow to only bring around another man in their life if I know for sure that I am going to marry that man. I quit drinking alcohol for myself and my kids - I also decided that I am not going to be a single mom that has a revolving door of men in and out of their home and exposed to my kids. I do not like being single, but I am not going to subject my kids to more pain. It would be like multiple mini-divorces especially if the kids did end up liking whatever boyfriends I brought around. I feel bad enough for the affect this divorce is going to have on them. 

I do miss a lot of things about being in a relationship but I don't miss them enough to go back into a less than relationship just to avoid being alone. The more time that goes by the easier it is but then I will have a week like this past week where I am really struggling to not get down or depressed about my situation. It's hard to just sit and wait. I was the one that went after what I wanted even though at the time it was probably not a good thing for me. I see that now. I could probably score a relationship with anyone if I sought it out but it would be the wrong one. I know if I rushed something that wasn't meant to be all because I didn't want to be alone, I would be in the same less than relationship years down the road. 

So to answer my own question - I am single but I'm not loving it.  I am accepting it and moving forward day by day with a hope that it won't always be this way. I will not consider dating until 2014 anyway which is a commitment I made to myself and other.  Regardless of the no-dating fact - I still have the thoughts and wants for something more, a girl can always dream, right? 

7 Things I learned at SXSW

This year was my first year ever at SXSW and considering I didn't have my kids during spring break - heck yes I was going to experience it! 

1. It's SOUTH BY - not South By Southwest. You know you are from Austin if you refer to it as "South By"

2. The daytime concerts rock. I will definitely need to take a couple of half days next year so I can enjoy a few more daytime concerts because they are FREE and they are in a more intimate setting than most bigger evening venues. 

3. You don't need a wristband or a badge to enjoy the week. Pretty much the only time you do need said wristband or badge is if you want to wait in line for hours to see bands you already know or like that are playing the big headlining showcases. I figured I would save the $160 the wristband costs and just go see said band when they come back to tour again and pay $20-30 for a ticket. I would never have seen enough bands in the week to warrant the wristband cost. 

4. The best part about SXSW for me was seeing the up and coming bands - the hard part is just finding out about them and going to their show before they hit it big. 

5. Ride your bike. The traffic and parking is ridiculous. I got around just fine on my bike and I wasn't the only one that had that idea as you can see below.  

6. The one event worth waiting in line for is Rachael Ray's Feedback that was on Saturday. Free food, free drinks, free bands from 10a-4p. I was lucky to get a guest pass and not wait in line but you will not be disappointed if you do wait in line, just get there REALLY early to make sure you do get in. 

7. Don't expect to get a cab between 11p-3a like ever during sxsw. I only spent one night out late and luckily I have access to a free garage and my car downtown but the friend I was with did not want to walk to it in her heels. Needless to say we did not get a cab and I left her at a bench  corner while I went and got my car and then picked her up. I also talked to Dan from Bastille and they never got a cab with their gear after one of their shows (which was past 1am) and luckily some guy in a truck gave them a lift. 

Here's a quick run down of the bands I saw of note the past week with a few pics. Of course they might not be your taste but they were great live shows and I am definitely more of a fan after seeing them live. The funny thing is they are all from overseas. 

Bastille is from England - Kyle has the best t-shirts and Dan - check out the video. I was not sure how they were going to put this sound together live but it was pretty amazing. Of course my phone died at their wed. night show but I did get some good shots of their daytime show for Filter mag on Thursday. I saw them twice because yes they were that good live and also because who knows when the heck they will ever be back over here to tour.  I have got to give any band props for covering What would you do? by City High. Here is a short video clip of my fav. song by them below - I cut it off so I could jump up and down at the end of the song haha. 

Of course I believe they will be big over here in the US as soon as they get distribution. I also got to meet Dan at the show at Club de Ville Wed. night and he was super cool and nice. Another perk of SXSW, at the smaller shows there is no VIP area and they just roam around at the club and you can totally say hi to them. 

Civil Twilight  I don't even remember how I heard about them, I think I heard one of their songs on a TV show possibly? Steven's voice is amazing and my biggest judge of a band is how well they sound live. One of my favorite all time live bands is Jimmy Eat World because they sound amazing live and have great energy. Civil Twilight is great live - and Steven's voice is just beautiful. I didn't video this one because the lighting really sucked, but here are a couple of pics. Their album Holy Weather is great, one of the few CD's I can listen to all the way through. They are from South Africa but have moved to Nashville recently. I really hope they do hit it big and get more exposure. Steven's brother Andrew is killer on the guitar and the newly added keyboardist makes for some nice melody (back in the day they were just a trio).  I also chatted with Steven after this show and hope they can come back and just play by themselves so I can hear most of their newest album. The biggest negative about SX is that the sets are way short - not even 30 minutes most of the time. Would love to hear It's Over live - beautiful song by them. 

Frightened Rabbit is the other band I saw that was at the top of my list. I hadn't heard of them until I got the list of bands that were going to be at Rachel Ray's Feedback and after listening online my true test was going to be how they sound live.  Frightened Rabbit is from Scotland so I apparently have a thing for overseas bands lately.  They are in my top three so of course they were awesome. Here is their video for The Woodpile and one of the pics I took at the show. I love their sound and the four guitars live sounded awesome. 

South by was definitely an experience and considering it's written in my custody arrangement that my ex gets the kids every spring break, I have a feeling I will be enjoying music during that week as long as I still live in Austin. I was still able to have some fun, get some bike riding in, see some music but also keep up with my training for my triathlon. My training blog is a little more active than this one right now just because training for my first triathlon is what I am focused on the most.  I want to keep it separate so I don't bore people over here with my swim and bike adventures. Last week was pretty cool - now it's back to real life.