So the verse is "I won't always love what I'll never have." I had to think about that and I actually will always love the idea of what I definitely don't have right now but I do want. Who knows if I will ever have it - but earlier this week I was definitely feeling like I will always be alone aside from co-workers, friends, family and of course my kids. I can love and acknowledge the fact that there are other people out there living their lives with the one they are supposed to be with. I tried to force love, I tried to make a relationship into something it most definitely was not. I hoped, wanted and believed that love would conquer all, that anything could be overcome. Unfortunately, I realized that even what I hoped and wished that all I could ever do was control myself and decide what I wanted out of life and any relationship. I decided I didn't want to be in a relationship that wasn't in sync, where each individuals' wants and desires for their own life and family were no where near the same. They might have been the same in theory or in words, but all that really matters ultimately is what you end up doing, not what you end up saying.
Being single has it's perks, most definitely. I don't have to worry about what someone else is thinking or feeling - if I am disappointing them or not. There is no worry of trust being broken because it's just me. I don't have to work with someone else's schedule for the week - I just do what I need to do for myself and my kids without having to run it by anyone else. I still want to believe though that a relationship can happen where two people implicitly trust each other, have each other's backs, inspire each other to be better and ultimately work together to solve problems and issues in a non-toxic way. I know I need to be telling myself that the best is yet to come but it's really easy to get stuck in my negative self-pitied thoughts. If my lot in life is to be a single mom until I die - so be it. That is not what I want deep down - I think everyone out there in this world just wants to be loved by someone else - not in a brotherly, sisterly or motherly way. I also think I'm still in mourning. I am processing the loss of the relationship - my family being broken up and the lie that I gave up when I know that I did everything in my own power to convey the wants and needs of myself and my kids - it just didn't work out because each individual person's desire for how they spend their time and what they want to do with their own life ended up being completely different. It is what it is and I'm accepting that fact.
I have come to the conclusion that based on my own experience - the easy thing was staying in my defective relationship because I didn't want to be alone. I've been there and done that but wasted a couple more years of my life because I trusted again and got burned again so it's not worth it. The act of leaving has been the hardest thing yet. I now know what qualities I seek and desire in a person and even though I truly believe both of my exes had those qualities deep down in them and they were just waiting to come out - in the end their actions definitely spoke louder than their words. In any relationship all you have to go off of is what the person actually ends up doing - not what they say. When their words don't match up with their actions, they lack integrity. Your character and your integrity can be changed believe it or not. Most people don't want to do the work required to have integrity with themselves because it sure as heck ain't easy - trust me I know. I have no regrets though - I have two beautiful children and I am where I am today because of what I have experienced in my past.
It's not easy to be the one to apologize when you are even just 2% wrong but you do it anyway because it's the right thing to do. It's not easy to hold your tongue when you are so used to letting it say the first thing you want that pops in your head even though it's not the right thing to say. It's not easy to say no. I was such a people pleaser before and didn't want to let anyone down but that caused me to over-extend myself and then end up breaking commitments. I'd rather just decline than commit to something and then flake. Hopefully the people I say no to won't take it personally. That is my other fault - I care too much what others think even though I know that what others think of me is none of my business.
I believe most of us want to be loved, accepted, understood and experience a kind of unconditional love with an intimate partner. That last part is tricky because when you are intimately involved with someone on a day to day basis whether you like it or not you still have certain expectations with the one you picked to spend the rest of your life with. I now realize that I didn't even know what I truly wanted in a mate until it was too late. I had a reckless abandon for love and just believed that love would conquer and fix all. That was very naive of me to think that one's conditioned habits that they have learned and practiced their entire life would just disappear and be replaced with noble and responsible actions all in the name of love or because a life or two was created. I will never understand why certain people make certain decisions in their life - but for once instead of telling someone what I think they should do (which of course was my MO for many years), I am going to live my life to the best of my ability whether I'm in a relationship or not. I could have let my pity party get out of control. I could have said to screw this triathlon because it is very hard for me to work 40+ hours a week and still work in some training time while taking care of all the responsibilities with the kids as well. I could have let my loneliness grow but instead I realized being lonely is a choice - yes I am alone but I will choose not to allow myself to feel lonely all the time.
I still believe in love but now at least I have completely and totally raised my requirements of what I do and do not want in a man. I also realize I am definitely shrinking down prospects for available men due to my standards now, but I also know I'm worth it and I'm not going to budge on what I require and what I want. If it just so happens that said amazing man walks into my life one day - I will be ready. Until then, I will just need to be thankful that I don't have anyone to focus on or worry about except myself and my kids and also realize I will have challenges with my schedule and what I am physically able to do by myself and with the kids.
Sure, I would love to do life with someone, to not sleep alone, to have someone that loves my kids as much as I do, enjoys doing the same types of things as I do and also has a drive to be successful in life and to follow their passions. If a man never walks into my life, then so be it. I will be a mother to my kids and all they will know is that mom poured her life into them because I already made a vow to only bring around another man in their life if I know for sure that I am going to marry that man. I quit drinking alcohol for myself and my kids - I also decided that I am not going to be a single mom that has a revolving door of men in and out of their home and exposed to my kids. I do not like being single, but I am not going to subject my kids to more pain. It would be like multiple mini-divorces especially if the kids did end up liking whatever boyfriends I brought around. I feel bad enough for the affect this divorce is going to have on them.
I do miss a lot of things about being in a relationship but I don't miss them enough to go back into a less than relationship just to avoid being alone. The more time that goes by the easier it is but then I will have a week like this past week where I am really struggling to not get down or depressed about my situation. It's hard to just sit and wait. I was the one that went after what I wanted even though at the time it was probably not a good thing for me. I see that now. I could probably score a relationship with anyone if I sought it out but it would be the wrong one. I know if I rushed something that wasn't meant to be all because I didn't want to be alone, I would be in the same less than relationship years down the road.
So to answer my own question - I am single but I'm not loving it. I am accepting it and moving forward day by day with a hope that it won't always be this way. I will not consider dating until 2014 anyway which is a commitment I made to myself and other. Regardless of the no-dating fact - I still have the thoughts and wants for something more, a girl can always dream, right?
Being single has it's perks, most definitely. I don't have to worry about what someone else is thinking or feeling - if I am disappointing them or not. There is no worry of trust being broken because it's just me. I don't have to work with someone else's schedule for the week - I just do what I need to do for myself and my kids without having to run it by anyone else. I still want to believe though that a relationship can happen where two people implicitly trust each other, have each other's backs, inspire each other to be better and ultimately work together to solve problems and issues in a non-toxic way. I know I need to be telling myself that the best is yet to come but it's really easy to get stuck in my negative self-pitied thoughts. If my lot in life is to be a single mom until I die - so be it. That is not what I want deep down - I think everyone out there in this world just wants to be loved by someone else - not in a brotherly, sisterly or motherly way. I also think I'm still in mourning. I am processing the loss of the relationship - my family being broken up and the lie that I gave up when I know that I did everything in my own power to convey the wants and needs of myself and my kids - it just didn't work out because each individual person's desire for how they spend their time and what they want to do with their own life ended up being completely different. It is what it is and I'm accepting that fact.
I have come to the conclusion that based on my own experience - the easy thing was staying in my defective relationship because I didn't want to be alone. I've been there and done that but wasted a couple more years of my life because I trusted again and got burned again so it's not worth it. The act of leaving has been the hardest thing yet. I now know what qualities I seek and desire in a person and even though I truly believe both of my exes had those qualities deep down in them and they were just waiting to come out - in the end their actions definitely spoke louder than their words. In any relationship all you have to go off of is what the person actually ends up doing - not what they say. When their words don't match up with their actions, they lack integrity. Your character and your integrity can be changed believe it or not. Most people don't want to do the work required to have integrity with themselves because it sure as heck ain't easy - trust me I know. I have no regrets though - I have two beautiful children and I am where I am today because of what I have experienced in my past.
It's not easy to be the one to apologize when you are even just 2% wrong but you do it anyway because it's the right thing to do. It's not easy to hold your tongue when you are so used to letting it say the first thing you want that pops in your head even though it's not the right thing to say. It's not easy to say no. I was such a people pleaser before and didn't want to let anyone down but that caused me to over-extend myself and then end up breaking commitments. I'd rather just decline than commit to something and then flake. Hopefully the people I say no to won't take it personally. That is my other fault - I care too much what others think even though I know that what others think of me is none of my business.
I believe most of us want to be loved, accepted, understood and experience a kind of unconditional love with an intimate partner. That last part is tricky because when you are intimately involved with someone on a day to day basis whether you like it or not you still have certain expectations with the one you picked to spend the rest of your life with. I now realize that I didn't even know what I truly wanted in a mate until it was too late. I had a reckless abandon for love and just believed that love would conquer and fix all. That was very naive of me to think that one's conditioned habits that they have learned and practiced their entire life would just disappear and be replaced with noble and responsible actions all in the name of love or because a life or two was created. I will never understand why certain people make certain decisions in their life - but for once instead of telling someone what I think they should do (which of course was my MO for many years), I am going to live my life to the best of my ability whether I'm in a relationship or not. I could have let my pity party get out of control. I could have said to screw this triathlon because it is very hard for me to work 40+ hours a week and still work in some training time while taking care of all the responsibilities with the kids as well. I could have let my loneliness grow but instead I realized being lonely is a choice - yes I am alone but I will choose not to allow myself to feel lonely all the time.
I still believe in love but now at least I have completely and totally raised my requirements of what I do and do not want in a man. I also realize I am definitely shrinking down prospects for available men due to my standards now, but I also know I'm worth it and I'm not going to budge on what I require and what I want. If it just so happens that said amazing man walks into my life one day - I will be ready. Until then, I will just need to be thankful that I don't have anyone to focus on or worry about except myself and my kids and also realize I will have challenges with my schedule and what I am physically able to do by myself and with the kids.
Sure, I would love to do life with someone, to not sleep alone, to have someone that loves my kids as much as I do, enjoys doing the same types of things as I do and also has a drive to be successful in life and to follow their passions. If a man never walks into my life, then so be it. I will be a mother to my kids and all they will know is that mom poured her life into them because I already made a vow to only bring around another man in their life if I know for sure that I am going to marry that man. I quit drinking alcohol for myself and my kids - I also decided that I am not going to be a single mom that has a revolving door of men in and out of their home and exposed to my kids. I do not like being single, but I am not going to subject my kids to more pain. It would be like multiple mini-divorces especially if the kids did end up liking whatever boyfriends I brought around. I feel bad enough for the affect this divorce is going to have on them.
I do miss a lot of things about being in a relationship but I don't miss them enough to go back into a less than relationship just to avoid being alone. The more time that goes by the easier it is but then I will have a week like this past week where I am really struggling to not get down or depressed about my situation. It's hard to just sit and wait. I was the one that went after what I wanted even though at the time it was probably not a good thing for me. I see that now. I could probably score a relationship with anyone if I sought it out but it would be the wrong one. I know if I rushed something that wasn't meant to be all because I didn't want to be alone, I would be in the same less than relationship years down the road.
So to answer my own question - I am single but I'm not loving it. I am accepting it and moving forward day by day with a hope that it won't always be this way. I will not consider dating until 2014 anyway which is a commitment I made to myself and other. Regardless of the no-dating fact - I still have the thoughts and wants for something more, a girl can always dream, right?
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