I signed up for e-harmony and tried to do the Internet dating thing. I was hoping the myriad of questions everyone has to answer would have weeded out certain types but there were limited matches and a whole bunch that I would not even consider going on a first date with.
I hate the stigma that dating brings. You wear your best outfit, I wear mine, we both look our best and go somewhere cool or neat or different and see if we have anything interesting to talk about. I am talking to you but really wondering if you fart all the time or if you leave the toilet seat up. Why can't we do a set of interview questions like companies do? Some people stay at their employer for 5 years or more so of course as a company the questions are pretty extensive to make sure the interviewee will be a good match. Picking an employee is hard - you have maybe 2 or 3 interviews to do it and that's it. After that process you expect the working relationship to be good. People date for YEARS before they figure out they might want to spend the rest of their lives together. I think part of it for me is just being inpatient. Please tell me all your issues now so I can decide if I can accept you for your good and bad instead of months or years from now. We all have issues - we are all flawed and we all know that - so just cut to the chase because I don't want to build up trust with someone only to find out some hidden skeleton way back in the back closet that just can't be ignored or overlooked because in reality it is a deal breaker.
I hate losing hope in humanity. I am pretty cynical these days because my experience has shown me there aren't a whole lot of normal, responsible and available good guys out there looking for the same things I am. I'm sorry but if you have addiction issues, I'm out. I struggle with smoking and codependency but I am working on those things. The problem is when you think about or do something too much to where it takes away from your day to day quality of life - that's a problem and no one with addiction issues can have a healthy relationship - trust me I know from past experience.
I am fully aware that being single has it's privileges and I do embrace them at times, but then when I am going it alone at concerts or big events, I have that little part of me that reminds myself it would have been nice to share that moment with someone else. People need people - I miss a connection, a belief that someone does enjoy spending time with me or wants to be with me. I don't miss it enough to go through a bunch of wasted time and dates with other people that one day I won't even remember their names. I also don't miss it enough to emotionally invest in something that I know is not for me just so I can spend it with someone vs. alone. I am inching up on 40 and I have no desire to casually date or just hook up with someone. I thought about it and I'm sure I could find a willing participant but emotions are still involved and the payoff is not worth the disaster that could later ensue. So for now, I sit here and do my thing with work and kids although with a little tiny glimmer of hope for a future one day with someone that would actually be my better half, not my half that causes my life to be harder than it really has to be.
Three people have told me recently - oh don't worry love will come knocking on your door when you least expect it. Well God knows me and he knows I don't want to waste a bunch of time with people that are no where near what I am looking for. I will just keep believing that someone else out there wants a relationship that is the real deal - that wants to commit fully and be my teammate, not on my team at the beginning because it's all shiny and new and exciting and then as time goes on, eventually my opponent for the rest of the relationship. I have already been there and done that twice.
I do know that I will no longer settle - I will be a single mom for the rest of my life if need be. I do believe that two people can motivate each other, inspire each other to do better and be better more often than bringing each other down. As I started up my training again this week for my next triathlon I realized that is what I want. I was staying motivated to keep running because of this person next to me on the treadmill in the gym that I don't even know - two bible verses came to mind and ring very true with me: Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. As iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another. That stranger motivated me to not quit running because trust me if he wasn't there I would have easily walked way before the mile mark. The key I have realized is I need to find someone that wants the best for themselves and for the other person. It's really easy to find someone that says that but then you both fall and stay down there in the thick of misery, you are just settling to both be less than you can be (aka enablers). Just as two people can lift each other up, they can easily both bring each other down as well. The desire for good has to be better than the desire for mediocre or status quo.
My biggest con about being single is that I can be as lazy as all get out when just dealing with me if I want to. I can decide not to work out because I have no one to come home to and no one to even answer to - so why bother? That is why I do a triathlon at least once a year - because I need a goal to stay motivated. I can put off the laundry and cleaning until the weekend because no one but myself and my kids live here and no one is coming over anyway. I can also decide to give in to my battle with smoking when I'm really stressed because no one is encouraging me not to. I have no one to answer to - no one to share day to day life with which means I can be as selfish as I want at times, which isn't always the best thing for me.
To keep from getting all sad and depressed now thinking about the fact that I am still currently single, and that I am staying in my little world under my safe rock, I will just make a little list for fun. I wonder if someone would actually fill this out? I am asking these questions based on the top 10 interview questions for a job because they actually are good questions and I'm adding a few of my own. If you are divorced, dating or single, what questions would be on your list?
1. What is your greatest strength?
2. What is your greatest weakness?
3. You have a bad day at work - come home and your partner is in a bad mood and had a crappy day as well - how do you react?
4. Describe a difficult relationship situation and how you overcame or resolved it.
5. What is your definition of success?
6. Why did you leave your last relationship?
7. Why do you want to date me?
8. Why should I date you?
9. What are your goals in a successful relationship?
10. Tell me about yourself.
11. What is your one vice that you can't live without?
12. What is most important to you?
13. If you found the person you believe you are supposed to be with - where would you both be in 5 years?
14. When you are living with someone - do you help with laundry?
15. How many times per day do you fart?
16. Can you cook?
17. Do you leave the toilet seat up everywhere you go?
18. Do you answer the phone during sex?
19. It's you and your girlfriend and you are going on a road trip - would you ever drive the whole way - or at least half?
20. When you are living with someone, do you ever replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty?
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