Let's talk about forgiveness....

Wow, I just realized I haven't posted here in a while. I actually was kinda busy training for a triathlon but now that is over and my kids will be with their dad a few weeks over the summer, I hope to spend a little bit more time on this blog. 

For this post, it's time to talk about something that is on my mind and maybe this topic will help others to at least be willing to think about forgiveness so you can experience peace.  I do have to link a song - it's a great song about one of the hardest things that I have had to do for myself to have peace (aside from leaving my marriages). It's by Matthew West and aptly titled forgiveness. 


First off, let's get to the definition. I always like to provide a definition so we can break it down. 

Forgiveness: 

1. The act of forgiving or the state of being forgiven. 

2. The willingness to forgive. 

To break it down further - what is the definition of forgive? 

Forgive:  

1.    To grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.);absolve.

2.    To give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation,etc.). grant pardon to (a person 

3.    To cease to feel resentment against; to forgive one's enemies

4.    To cancel an indebtedness or liability of; to forgive the interest owed on a loan

After reading these definitions,  the type of forgiveness I am talking about is to cease to feel resentment against another, maybe even yourself. You might need to forgive someone that has harmed you in your past. You might need to forgive an event that happened to you that you can't stop thinking about, something that has stolen your peace. You might need to forgive yourself for things you did in your past. You might need to forgive the world for dealing you a crappy hand, or for the loss of a loved one - maybe you are just mad at the world. Living in anger and resentment is no way to live.The unfortunate fact of this life is that people will hurt you and will let you down. Period.

 If you haven't had too many of those experiences, to where you want to yell, scream or cry because of something you feel another person has done deliberately to you - count yourself lucky. Actually, if you have never struggled with letting things go or allowing yourself to actually end up wishing the best for the person that hurt you - then you can stop reading. This post is for the ones that have been through the hurt - that have been lied to, stolen from, manipulated, taken advantage of, where trust has been completely shattered to pieces and when you first find out your heart drops into the pit of your stomach. You want to run away, scream at the top of your lungs, cry until there are no more tears, dig a hole and hide, hit someone, throw something, never eat anything again and throw up all at the same time.

Unfortunately I have experienced two different events that just really shook the core of my world.  Having someone cheat on you just really really really sucks. Finding out someone is so deep in an addiction to where it is financially destroying your family is horrible.  Shattered trust is probably in my opinion the worst thing another human being can experience in a relationship (well aside from physical or emotional abuse of course). When you are with someone and you have an intimate relationship with them and what you thought was a relationship where two people cared about each other and you thought there was trust but then you only find out later there wasn't and it didn't even matter. That hurts. It didn't even matter that I tried to be who I thought that person wanted me to be so I could "make them happy". It didn't matter I did stupid things for them so I could look like all the girls said person would comment on or talk about. It didn't matter that I did certain things with that person that I later regretted because I thought that person would love me more if I did it. All of the compromises and things I did to try and be who I thought I needed to be for that relationship to work - in the end there was no point. No reason for me to change so much of myself for another - to be betrayed in the end anyway.  I've been there. It did suck really bad, but I'm so much better now. It does get better.

 I don't believe I would be able to talk about my past experiences so candidly if I hadn't gone through the process of forgiveness. Years ago I would have written all those words up there of how I felt back then and they would come flooding back and I would feel anger and rage, I would want to go hit something or keep trying to go over and over the event with the other person so they would know how I felt - so they would feel worse or guilty. That's such a horrible and negative cycle to be in. I wanted to tell everyone "LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO ME" so I could feel better, but all that did was allow the other person to take more of my energy and put it in such a negative place.  Yes, those events happened and yes I was hurt but it is up to ME and how I am going to react and how I am going to live my life regardless of what someone else has done to me. The same can also be said for a tragic event happening in my life. It's my own choice on how I am going to let any particular event effect me. At first I was angry, then I was sad and then I was resentful and bitter. I actually didn't even forgive my first husband until many years later. I just flipped a switch and moved on to the next jacked up relationship which was not a healthy thing to do.  I have no regrets because I have two beautiful and amazing kids but I was naive and believed the lie that "love will conquer all" regardless of how many red flags were there. It took me a year to be willing to forgive the father of my children after we started having major issues. I knew that if I were combative and confrontational with him the kids would feel it and see that and it would be good for no one.  

How do you become willing to forgive? That was just the first step for me. I had to write about it, talk to someone I trusted, I had to realize that no matter what the facts were and what had happened to me and whoever was right or wrong (of course for the longest time it was all their fault) - I still had a choice of how to handle the situation. The biggest question I had for myself was do I really want to have anger and hate directed at another person for the rest of my life because of what they did to me? After much thought I realized the answer was no - because that is not how I wanted to live. I want a fulfilled life - I want to set an example for my children that is loving and forgiving because I don't want them to go through life holding grudges because they learned it from their mom. 

I also had to realize my part in both relationships. Even though if I were to write down the 'events' of both marriages I'm sure I could convince plenty of people that the actions of my exes justified my own crazy and toxic behavior. I am not going to lie, I was like borderline psycho in some occasions because I was going to SHOW them you don't screw with me because I was angry - it was fight after fight, kind of stalkerish behavior on my part  with the other woman and also crazy, stupid and desperate measures for me to try and convince the other person they must choose me over their affair or drug or the behavior that I wanted them to change. I was manipulative, I was angry, quite frankly I was the B word. I actually laugh about it now but I didn't know what to do back then. I didn't know how to handle the situations. I had no tools and I had nothing buy my emotions. Let me testify to this right now - if you live your life solely based on your emotions I bet there is probably a 90% chance your life might be a roller coaster and filled with some drama. When I was living based on my emotions and being totally reactionary to what was happening to me it was a mess. It was out of control and my personal life had become unmanageable.

Luckily through all of these events I was still a workhorse and able to keep my jobs and continue with my life from 9-5. I wore that mask well to where everyone thought my life was perfect and later everyone was shocked that the relationships had ended. There were only a few people that really knew what was going on. After I processed everything I realized that I had to stop blaming. As much as I would like to think that everything was their fault and I was this perfect person, that just isn't true. I contributed to the mess based on my demands, reactions and behaviors to each situation. After I realized my part in all of it and got out of my own denial and my self-righteousness, I was able to really be willing to forgive. 

Steps I took towards forgiveness: 

I had to realize that everyone falls short. We are all going to hurt people, mess up, make mistakes and in many situations break trusts. I now try my best but I still fail sometimes and I have to ask for forgiveness from my children when I overreact and yell at them.  It is not healthy to put all your stock in a person because they will never live up to your expectations. I was able to accept that my exes were flawed, had their own issues and acted out in their own personal way which in turn, ended up hurting me. Both of them actually stated 'they didn't mean to hurt me" and that's probably true because when you are wrapped up in your life and you are dead set on doing what you want to do - you honestly don't think of how your action or consequence will affect another person, specifically the ones closest to you. That is like the saying you end up hurting the ones you love the most. 

I believe that saying is true because we all have our demons, our vices and our addictions. Some people use drugs or alcohol to relieve their pain, some people use other people to fill them up (that was me - total co-dependent). Some people overeat, some are addicted to sex or porn, some people cut, and hurt themselves for a release.  Some people spend too much money, gamble, have numerous affairs,  ignore negative situations altogether and stuff everything inside until it overflows one day which is not a pretty sight (I know because I did this). Some people lie, cheat and steal. Some people do things worse than that but the majority of our struggles are internal but they end up affecting the external. Every demon or addiction we fight affects others even when almost everyone that has been wrapped up in addiction has believed the opposite. My co-dependency was hurting myself as I was neglecting myself and staying in negative situations with my kids around which in the long term was only going to hurt them. I justified staying because I didn't want to be alone and I still wanted them to have a "family". I am now aware of my co-dependency and I have to keep myself in check and ask myself my true motives in anything I do. We all experience pain in life, but we all pick and choose how to accept it and process pain. Everyone I believe in some way is broken so we have to view life from that reality and it's a little easier to accept and forgive. Addiction is just a symptom to the problem. Once you figure out the problem and can change, your entire life changes. People just have to be willing to change. 

I use the verse in the bible "Forgive them for they know not what they do"  all the time when dealing with someone that is living their life in their own reality. Whether you believe in God, a creator or not - this is a great description of denial. I was that person that could not see the craziness that I was contributing to the situation because it was OK for me to act that way because of what THEY did (justification) - that is not the right thing to do. It was all one sided and it was everyone else's fault. There was nothing wrong with me ha ha. Boy did I have a rude awakening coming my way. That one sentence also keeps me going and able to love people that make the wrong decisions. I still love both of my exes because I believe I saw what I know they could have done if they would have stripped away the hurt, their own pain and issues in their life they still decided not to work through them when the relationships ended. I now wish the best for them and I truly mean that. I want them to experience peace, but they have to want it and they have to do what it takes to get that peace - it's not easy. What's easier half the time is staying where you are. For the longest time dysfunction was comfortable to me. The unknown and being without someone was much more scary for me than staying in a negative situation. Both my exes have good hearts but just want to continue to live a different way than I want to live now. They valued things that I no longer value and it didn't work. I can't make anyone seek help (trust me I have tried everything in the book). I can't make anyone see the truth in their life. The truth being how their life really is - not how they think it is. I thought my life was good until I experienced the fall of both of my marriages. It took me going through two similar situations not once but twice before I looked inward at myself. Some people have to go through so much more heartache than others before they think they might need help and that they actually want help and then get help. I have heard so many times from people that they want help, but they do nothing to really get it. Every one's breaking point is different. 

Once I realized that people are going to do what they are going to do regardless of how I think they should do it (ha ha) then I was able to no longer be surprised when certain people let me down. I just keep remembering that verse, keep reminding myself to keep wishing the best for them while continuing to protect my boundaries and to keep myself from getting too involved while someone is struggling right in front of me. I had to get some clarity by being out of the situation. 

When I finally came to a point where I was willing and open to forgive I had to write out all my grievances. I got everything out - every hurt and every resentment I had - every event that pained me and took me to that place of emotional breakdown. I wrote a few pages on each and I also wrote down some resentments I had for myself. It's easy to let self doubt creep in and tell me that I was not good enough for the other men in my life to change, that I wasn't a good enough of a person or wife or whatever to inspire them to live a better life. That I am a failure and that I suck at relationships. All of those thoughts would come to me and I had to write it out and get it all out. 

I then burned those pages in a fire - I did a final physical act to remind me that I put my emotional hurts to rest. It is a constant reminder that I already gave those things up - I wrote them down, I processed my hurt and I burned it. Do those thoughts still come back? Heck yes - it's not like you flip a switch and never think about the hurt again - it's just a constant reminder to tell those thoughts to take a hike when they come back to me because I already forgave.  I actually still had a few lingering issues popping up so I did it a second time a few months later. Do whatever it takes to process it. Forgiveness is a process but burning those pages in the fire was such a good reminder for me that it's much easier to handle those feelings if and when they come back. I also pray for those that have hurt me. I want them to live a fulfilled life, I really do. Living with your past haunting you sucks. You have to get it all out and 90% of the time your issues were formed and your lies were created when you were a child. You have to go back there and figure out why you do the negative and crappy habits that you do before you can more forward. How can you get some where if you don't know where you currently are or where you have been? The process was painful, I had to relive some moments and behaviors I had stuffed way down but it's so worth it. You can live a life filled with peace, even when there is chaos around you. The key is stripping down your denial, processing your pain in a good way and making a conscious effort to no longer behave the way you did before. It's kinda scary doing something you have never done before but I promise the path less traveled is way more rewarding than what most people do, which is staying where they are in a crappy and negative place because the fear of being alone, forgiving or doing something different is greater than taking a chance on change and progress. The choice is yours. I will leave this post with the best quote I have on forgiveness. 

"Harboring unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies."

I'm not sure who said that but it's something to think about and consider. Letting go is freeing - it's like a big load off your back and you are free to live your life as you choose and experience peace. I hope anyone who reads this that has any resentments, bitterness or unforgiveness that they will just CONSIDER forgiving one day. You just have to be open to the idea and soon you will come to a place where you can make that decision. It's a process but it's so worth it. If you are harboring resentment, what is keeping you from forgiving? Here is a picture of the fire where I burned my resentments so I could forgive. Sometimes I look at the picture too to remind myself that I did that and it's in my past - there is no point in bringing it back up. It's time to move on once and for all...