Finally Home

A short story I wrote but I didn't have the guts to send for The Austin Chronicle's short story contest. Instead of it sitting in my many files of stories or thoughts I write and never share with anyone, here it is. 

Finally Home

It was a cool winter day in Dallas, Texas and I couldn’t wait to get out of the house and be with my friends. My daughter is finally weaned so I can actually go somewhere without either having my mammary glands feel rock hard or me accidentally leaking all over the place in public. Now she is finally on formula and I can somewhat trust my husband to be able to warm a bottle if she was hungry. I literally haven’t been out of the house in months aside from working full time or doing normal things like going to the store. It was my good friend’s birthday night out and I was definitely looking forward to it with my favorite group of girlfriends. Little did I know, the night would turn out completely different than I would ever have imagined. The plan was to catch a local band at a new bar downtown and just spend some time together celebrating her birthday.  With my group of friends, it was never a dull moment and this night did not disappoint. We all car pooled together so that we could save gas and stay together. The night was actually going great – we were having a good time checking out a few new places downtown and hearing some live music. Midway through the night, I had minimal texts from my husband. He was normally insecure and would bother me if I ever went out doing anything with anyone besides him.  I usually like to be home by 12:30 or 1am at the latest just because I don’t want my husband to worry or get angry that I’m out too late. I wasn’t worried on this night because the texts were few and far between and I’m sure because there were no texts towards the end, he was just sleeping with the kiddos and it’s all good. I had two beers because I am somewhat of a cheapskate and loathe paying $4 per beer at a bar, plus we couldn’t afford it anyway. I didn’t really take into consideration the extra daycare payment required for baby #2 and my husband has been in and out of work lately. It’s been a stressful time being pretty much the bread winner when what I make is barely enough to take care of the bills, let alone feeding and clothing a new family of not just three but now four.   The night was so much fun and went by so fast. The bars closed at 2 am and we decided to head back to my friend's house around 1:30am. 

I was actually surprised and kinda proud that my husband was letting me actually enjoy a night out. He was supportive of me going and said I deserved some “me” time.  We get back to my friend’s house about 1:45 am and it’s still another 30 minutes home for me. I was kinda hungry so after I stop at Jack in the Box to enjoy two greasy tacos for $1, it’s time to head home. I checked my phone, still no texts from the husband. This was great, I was thinking I would just get home, crawl  in bed and be ready for a full day of being mom which was another reason I couldn’t get drunk – even though I got a night out for “me” I didn’t get the next day off to recoup from my parental duties. The experience of a hangover and having to take care of two kids is just miserable so that was not an option for me.

 I finally get home and put my car in park in the driveway. I take the key out of the ignition and just take a minute to myself. I make sure and hide any evidence of Jack in the Box to avoid being yelled at for not getting him anything if in fact he was still awake. The lamp is on in the living room but we usually always leave that on during the night. I was a little apprehensive – I’m thinking why isn’t he blowing my phone up and freaking out that I am not home yet? It was about 2:25 am by the time I walk in the door. I would soon be either thankful that I wasn’t drunk walking in the door, or possibly wishing that I was so that my reality wouldn’t have been so stark, crisp and drastic.  I walk in the door quietly in case everyone is asleep – I don’t want to wake anyone up.  I started to walk toward the doorway that leads into the hallway where my nice warm bed was waiting for me. Before I took two steps, my husband bolted from the hallway with my 6 month old daughter in his arms with a look on his face I had never seen before.  To describe it, I can only say it was filled with pure hate and disgust.  He proceeded to accuse me of starving our daughter because I was gone so long and she needed my milk. Was my husband seriously so detached from this family that he didn’t know I switched her to formula weeks ago? I was wondering who is this person standing in front of me.  All I remember was him screaming at me with our 6 month old baby in one arm.  Before I knew it I was pushed up against the front door and his other hand was around my neck. I broke free before being choked long enough to pass out. Unfortunately, I had experienced this exact scenario with my first husband minus a baby of course. My motherly instinct took over and I rip my daughter from his arms and scream for him to leave. The one thing I was thankful for at that time was that my 4 year old son did not wake up from the yelling and screaming and witness any of the abuse. I figured I might have been safe with my daughter in my arms – surely he wasn’t going to do anything to me with her in my arms. I asked him what was wrong and why was he doing this – nothing but hate and rage were in his eyes and he had no good answer for me. As I threatened to call the police and my daughter was crying, I felt the hard connection of his left hand on the right side of my face while my daughter was crying as I  held her on my left hip. My right ear was ringing, I really couldn't process what just happened.  Thoughts flooded in my head -  I was overcome with complete disbelief, anger, sadness, and a sobering reality that my husband’s drug addiction is far larger than I had ever thought possible.

 I wish I could say at that moment I packed up my kids and that was it. I never thought I could be that woman that I never understood until that very moment. I would hear about some severe domestic violence abuse cases on the news  and think “just leave”. I was now that woman and it’s wasn’t easy and it wasn’t logical either. I didn’t want to split up my family. I didn’t want to be twice divorced and be seen as a complete failure. I didn’t want my children to go through the pain of divorce. I didn’t want to be judged. I wanted to save it, fix it, justify and allow his behavior to continue because I kept telling myself it wasn’t him – it was the drugs.  After that night I actually set a boundary before we separated and said if he ever laid another hand on me, that the kids and I were gone. I also made him go to rehab. The rehab didn’t last, my boundaries were not respected and finally many months later, after the police were called and actually involved, I finally left. I was now twice divorced, a single full time working mom of two young children with no family or support system nearby.   

It was time to consider moving out of the fake ass town I called home my entire life and just start over. I was tired of the $30,000 millionaires, the expectation to have the most expensive clothes, the cool new $500 purse or the status of a shiny new car to feel worth something. I was never that person and I never fit in. The thought of a new life was exciting but scary. I was not running away, I was going to start over. I used to hate change for so long and then I realized that change was the only thing I could count on in this life so I had to embrace it. My nearest family was in Austin. It’s not too far away from the city I called home my entire life.  It was sad it took going through my own personal hell for me to stop and evaluate my life and finally, maybe for the first time – look inward.  For so long I was the victim, the blamer and the one without the issues. Everything up until that point was everyone else’s fault. If both my ex-husbands hadn’t had their drug or alcohol issues we would have been just fine. I truly believed that for sooo long.  I had to get completely knocked down pretty damn hard to realize I was part of my own problems. Denial’s a bitch – especially after I finally got out of it and had to face my true reality. After digging myself deep out of my depression, hurt, pain, failures, mistakes and struggles from over 10 plus years of living with two different addicts - I was finally able to see.  

I was severely co-dependent and after months of recovery and therapy I could see that I couldn’t control and manipulate or fix someone else. I also realized that no other person on this earth was responsible for my own happiness. I couldn’t accept another person for their flaws and I expected them to read my mind and provide all my needs without the proper communication. I played a part in my two failed marriages. Luckily through all of my shit I was brought up with a strong work ethic and never let my personal life effect my work. If anything, I became a workaholic to focus on something else besides my crappy home life. 

My hope was now in Austin.  A new start, a new beginning, a new page for me to turn and a new chapter of my life to start writing. I put feelers out in my industry to see about opportunities to move. As my luck would have it, I secured an interview.  I drove to my first interview which later became my new employer and I fell in love. I fell in love with the uniqueness of the town, and just the spirit of Austin. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s just different. Maybe I appreciate it more because I came from somewhere else. If you have lived in Austin your whole life – consider yourself lucky. Austin rules.  Dallas’ energy was cold, expansive and just kept getting bigger and almost depressing to me.  I don’t believe I had witnessed as many beautiful sunrises and sunsets in my entire life in Dallas as I had in the first 6 months of living in Austin. I felt happy driving through downtown – the energy was and still is amazing. In my first marriage which I call the ‘partying’ marriage, all I knew of Austin was 6^th street, debauchery and not remembering what I did the night before after waking up crashed on someone’s couch. If you didn’t already know, there are plenty of Dallas defectors that now call Austin home.  My sister didn’t do a great job of romancing me with the greatness of this city but did encourage me to consider moving for the 12+ years she has lived in the area. She lives in Georgetown, though so you know that isn’t actually Austin.

 Before accepting my job offer and starting the process of moving 200+ miles to my new life, I debated all of the negatives that could have kept me from my new destination but said to hell with my fears.  I am so glad I moved. My main fear was that my kids would be uprooted in the middle of a school year and have to acclimate to new friends in their schools and get used to a new place, a new town and be 200+ miles from their dad. Luckily despite our past and differences, their dad is still a part of their lives even though the drive to meet in Waco for the hand off is a bitch. I will take that trade off because living in Austin is so worth it. 

It may be hard to believe but now, three years later I have no ill will towards my ex. I took my time going through the gamut of emotions that my past experiences with him brought but I have accepted it and moved forward. My hate and resentments did nothing but bring me down. It took me a while to forgive, but I finally did.  Our negative past experiences happened, I went through things that I don’t wish on anyone  but in a weird way, it brought me to where I am today. 

Austin is my new home and I don’t ever want to leave. I have no idea why I have never decided to come to South By or the ACL Festival prior to moving here but those two events right there are just the start of all the cool things you can find on any given weekend in this town. I have reconnected with my former love of live music and I am so thankful there is a plethora of really awesome local bands that I can catch on the weekends without my kids. I owe a lot to Austin. In the 11 short months I have lived here I have experienced so many cool things. I have become healthier with my eating habits (no I’m not quite paleo or vegan yet but I am making healthier choices). It's very easy to make better choices here.  I became one of the many that have trained and completed a triathlon – my first ever. It’s funny in Dallas it was something special because frankly there aren’t that many triathlons per year up there  and you tell someone and they are like – wow or cool and in Austin it’s no big deal like - who hasn’t done a triathlon? I can also find an event on almost any given weekend during the spring and summer. This is also one of the most bike friendly towns I have been to and I love it.

I am so glad I made the choice to leave my past life in Dallas behind. Austin has provided me with a new start and a new beginning. I am finally home. 

Dating should be like interviews.....

I had a conversation with one of my friends the other day about my lack of desire to date at this point in my life. I respond with my usual explanation of having 2 kids under 10, a lot of responsibility and time to devote to my career and of course I have limited time on my weekends without the kids. The response from my friend was "that sounds like fear talking". Actually, no last year fear was screaming at me to keep myself cocooned in my little world but this past summer I did venture out,  go on a few dates and I just lost the energy I had to begin with only 4 or 5 dates later. If I keep dating, I could probably meet a few interesting people, get some nice meals out of it and have some funny stories, but the entire act of 'dating' is exhausting to me. I don't have the time or emotional energy it takes to really try and right now, I don't want to. 

I signed up for e-harmony and tried to do the Internet dating thing. I was hoping the myriad of questions everyone has to answer would have weeded out certain types but there were limited matches and a whole bunch that I would not even consider going on a first date with. 

I hate the stigma that dating brings. You wear your best outfit, I wear mine, we both look our best and go somewhere cool or neat or different and see if we have anything interesting to talk about. I am talking to you but really wondering if you fart all the time or if you leave the toilet seat up. Why can't we do a set of interview questions like companies do? Some people stay at their employer for 5 years or more so of course as a company the questions are pretty extensive to make sure the interviewee will be a good match. Picking an employee is hard - you have maybe 2 or 3 interviews to do it and that's it.  After that process you expect the working relationship to be good. People date for YEARS before they figure out they might want to spend the rest of their lives together. I think part of it for me is just being inpatient. Please tell me all your issues now so I can decide if I can accept you for your good and bad instead of months or years from now. We all have issues - we are all flawed and we all know that - so just cut to the chase because I don't want to build up trust with someone only to find out some hidden skeleton way back in the back closet that just can't be ignored or overlooked because in reality it is a deal breaker. 

I hate losing hope in humanity. I am pretty cynical these days because my experience has shown me there aren't a whole lot of normal, responsible and available good guys out there looking for the same things I am. I'm sorry but if you have addiction issues, I'm out. I struggle with smoking and codependency but I am working on those things. The problem is when you think about or do something too much to where it takes away from your day to day quality of life - that's a problem and no one with addiction issues can have a healthy relationship - trust me I know from past experience. 

I am fully aware that being single has it's privileges and I do embrace them at times, but then when I am going it alone at concerts or big events, I have that little part of me that reminds myself it would have been nice to share that moment with someone else. People need people - I miss a connection, a belief that someone does enjoy spending time with me or wants to be with me. I don't miss it enough to go through a bunch of wasted time and dates with other people that one day I won't even remember their names. I also don't miss it enough to emotionally invest in something that I know is not for me just so I can spend it with someone vs. alone. I am inching  up on 40 and I have no desire to casually date or just hook up with someone. I thought about it and I'm sure I could find a willing participant but emotions are still involved and the payoff is not worth the disaster that could later ensue. So for now, I sit here and do my thing with work and kids although with a little tiny glimmer of hope for a future one day with someone that would actually be my better half, not my half that causes my life to be harder than it really has to be. 

Three people have told me recently - oh don't worry love will come knocking on your door when you least expect it. Well God knows me and he knows I don't want to waste a bunch of time with people that are no where near what I am looking for.  I will just keep believing that someone else out there wants a relationship that is the real deal - that wants to commit fully and be my teammate, not on my team at the beginning because it's all shiny and new and exciting and then as time goes on, eventually my opponent for the rest of the relationship. I have already been there and done that twice. 

 I do know that I will no longer settle - I will be a single mom for the rest of my life if need be. I do believe that two people can motivate each other, inspire each other to do better and be better more often than bringing each other down. As I started up my training again this week for my next triathlon I realized that is what I want. I was staying motivated to keep running because of this person next to me on the treadmill in the gym that I don't even know -  two bible verses came to mind and ring very true with me: Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.  As iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another. That stranger motivated me to not quit running because trust me if he wasn't there I would have easily walked way before the mile mark.  The key I have realized is I need to find someone that wants the best for themselves and for the other person. It's really easy to find someone that says that but then you both fall and stay down there in the thick of misery, you are just settling to both be less than you can be (aka enablers). Just as two people can lift each other up, they can easily both bring each other down as well. The desire for good has to be better than the desire for mediocre or status quo. 

My biggest con about being single is that I can be as lazy as all get out when just dealing with me if I want to. I can decide not to work out because I have no one to come home to and no one to even answer to - so why bother? That is why I do a triathlon at least once a year - because I need a goal to stay motivated. I can put off the laundry and cleaning until the weekend because no one but myself and my kids live here and no one is coming over anyway. I can also decide to give in to my battle with smoking when I'm really stressed because no one is encouraging me not to. I have no one to answer to - no one to share day to day life with which means I can be as selfish as I want at times, which isn't always the best thing for me. 

To keep from getting all sad and depressed now thinking about the fact that I am still currently single, and that I am staying in my little world under my safe rock, I will just make a little list for fun.  I wonder if someone would actually fill this out?  I am asking these questions based on the top 10 interview questions for a job because they actually are good questions and I'm adding a few of my own. If you are divorced, dating or single, what questions would be on your list? 

1. What is your greatest strength? 

2. What is your greatest weakness? 

3. You have a bad day at work - come home and your partner is in a bad mood and had a crappy day as well - how do you react? 

4. Describe a difficult relationship situation and how you overcame or resolved it.

5. What is your definition of success?

6. Why did you leave your last relationship? 

7. Why do you want to date me? 

8. Why should I date you? 

9. What are your goals in a successful relationship? 

10. Tell me about yourself.

11. What is your one vice that you can't live without?

12. What is most important to you? 

13. If you found the person you believe you are supposed to be with - where would you both be in 5 years?

14. When you are living with someone - do you help with laundry? 

15. How many times per day do you fart?

16. Can you cook? 

17. Do you leave the toilet seat up everywhere you go? 

18. Do you answer the phone during sex? 

19. It's you and your girlfriend and you are going on a road trip - would you ever drive the whole way - or at least half? 

20. When you are living with someone, do you ever replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty? 

Let's talk about forgiveness....

Wow, I just realized I haven't posted here in a while. I actually was kinda busy training for a triathlon but now that is over and my kids will be with their dad a few weeks over the summer, I hope to spend a little bit more time on this blog. 

For this post, it's time to talk about something that is on my mind and maybe this topic will help others to at least be willing to think about forgiveness so you can experience peace.  I do have to link a song - it's a great song about one of the hardest things that I have had to do for myself to have peace (aside from leaving my marriages). It's by Matthew West and aptly titled forgiveness. 


First off, let's get to the definition. I always like to provide a definition so we can break it down. 

Forgiveness: 

1. The act of forgiving or the state of being forgiven. 

2. The willingness to forgive. 

To break it down further - what is the definition of forgive? 

Forgive:  

1.    To grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.);absolve.

2.    To give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation,etc.). grant pardon to (a person 

3.    To cease to feel resentment against; to forgive one's enemies

4.    To cancel an indebtedness or liability of; to forgive the interest owed on a loan

After reading these definitions,  the type of forgiveness I am talking about is to cease to feel resentment against another, maybe even yourself. You might need to forgive someone that has harmed you in your past. You might need to forgive an event that happened to you that you can't stop thinking about, something that has stolen your peace. You might need to forgive yourself for things you did in your past. You might need to forgive the world for dealing you a crappy hand, or for the loss of a loved one - maybe you are just mad at the world. Living in anger and resentment is no way to live.The unfortunate fact of this life is that people will hurt you and will let you down. Period.

 If you haven't had too many of those experiences, to where you want to yell, scream or cry because of something you feel another person has done deliberately to you - count yourself lucky. Actually, if you have never struggled with letting things go or allowing yourself to actually end up wishing the best for the person that hurt you - then you can stop reading. This post is for the ones that have been through the hurt - that have been lied to, stolen from, manipulated, taken advantage of, where trust has been completely shattered to pieces and when you first find out your heart drops into the pit of your stomach. You want to run away, scream at the top of your lungs, cry until there are no more tears, dig a hole and hide, hit someone, throw something, never eat anything again and throw up all at the same time.

Unfortunately I have experienced two different events that just really shook the core of my world.  Having someone cheat on you just really really really sucks. Finding out someone is so deep in an addiction to where it is financially destroying your family is horrible.  Shattered trust is probably in my opinion the worst thing another human being can experience in a relationship (well aside from physical or emotional abuse of course). When you are with someone and you have an intimate relationship with them and what you thought was a relationship where two people cared about each other and you thought there was trust but then you only find out later there wasn't and it didn't even matter. That hurts. It didn't even matter that I tried to be who I thought that person wanted me to be so I could "make them happy". It didn't matter I did stupid things for them so I could look like all the girls said person would comment on or talk about. It didn't matter that I did certain things with that person that I later regretted because I thought that person would love me more if I did it. All of the compromises and things I did to try and be who I thought I needed to be for that relationship to work - in the end there was no point. No reason for me to change so much of myself for another - to be betrayed in the end anyway.  I've been there. It did suck really bad, but I'm so much better now. It does get better.

 I don't believe I would be able to talk about my past experiences so candidly if I hadn't gone through the process of forgiveness. Years ago I would have written all those words up there of how I felt back then and they would come flooding back and I would feel anger and rage, I would want to go hit something or keep trying to go over and over the event with the other person so they would know how I felt - so they would feel worse or guilty. That's such a horrible and negative cycle to be in. I wanted to tell everyone "LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO ME" so I could feel better, but all that did was allow the other person to take more of my energy and put it in such a negative place.  Yes, those events happened and yes I was hurt but it is up to ME and how I am going to react and how I am going to live my life regardless of what someone else has done to me. The same can also be said for a tragic event happening in my life. It's my own choice on how I am going to let any particular event effect me. At first I was angry, then I was sad and then I was resentful and bitter. I actually didn't even forgive my first husband until many years later. I just flipped a switch and moved on to the next jacked up relationship which was not a healthy thing to do.  I have no regrets because I have two beautiful and amazing kids but I was naive and believed the lie that "love will conquer all" regardless of how many red flags were there. It took me a year to be willing to forgive the father of my children after we started having major issues. I knew that if I were combative and confrontational with him the kids would feel it and see that and it would be good for no one.  

How do you become willing to forgive? That was just the first step for me. I had to write about it, talk to someone I trusted, I had to realize that no matter what the facts were and what had happened to me and whoever was right or wrong (of course for the longest time it was all their fault) - I still had a choice of how to handle the situation. The biggest question I had for myself was do I really want to have anger and hate directed at another person for the rest of my life because of what they did to me? After much thought I realized the answer was no - because that is not how I wanted to live. I want a fulfilled life - I want to set an example for my children that is loving and forgiving because I don't want them to go through life holding grudges because they learned it from their mom. 

I also had to realize my part in both relationships. Even though if I were to write down the 'events' of both marriages I'm sure I could convince plenty of people that the actions of my exes justified my own crazy and toxic behavior. I am not going to lie, I was like borderline psycho in some occasions because I was going to SHOW them you don't screw with me because I was angry - it was fight after fight, kind of stalkerish behavior on my part  with the other woman and also crazy, stupid and desperate measures for me to try and convince the other person they must choose me over their affair or drug or the behavior that I wanted them to change. I was manipulative, I was angry, quite frankly I was the B word. I actually laugh about it now but I didn't know what to do back then. I didn't know how to handle the situations. I had no tools and I had nothing buy my emotions. Let me testify to this right now - if you live your life solely based on your emotions I bet there is probably a 90% chance your life might be a roller coaster and filled with some drama. When I was living based on my emotions and being totally reactionary to what was happening to me it was a mess. It was out of control and my personal life had become unmanageable.

Luckily through all of these events I was still a workhorse and able to keep my jobs and continue with my life from 9-5. I wore that mask well to where everyone thought my life was perfect and later everyone was shocked that the relationships had ended. There were only a few people that really knew what was going on. After I processed everything I realized that I had to stop blaming. As much as I would like to think that everything was their fault and I was this perfect person, that just isn't true. I contributed to the mess based on my demands, reactions and behaviors to each situation. After I realized my part in all of it and got out of my own denial and my self-righteousness, I was able to really be willing to forgive. 

Steps I took towards forgiveness: 

I had to realize that everyone falls short. We are all going to hurt people, mess up, make mistakes and in many situations break trusts. I now try my best but I still fail sometimes and I have to ask for forgiveness from my children when I overreact and yell at them.  It is not healthy to put all your stock in a person because they will never live up to your expectations. I was able to accept that my exes were flawed, had their own issues and acted out in their own personal way which in turn, ended up hurting me. Both of them actually stated 'they didn't mean to hurt me" and that's probably true because when you are wrapped up in your life and you are dead set on doing what you want to do - you honestly don't think of how your action or consequence will affect another person, specifically the ones closest to you. That is like the saying you end up hurting the ones you love the most. 

I believe that saying is true because we all have our demons, our vices and our addictions. Some people use drugs or alcohol to relieve their pain, some people use other people to fill them up (that was me - total co-dependent). Some people overeat, some are addicted to sex or porn, some people cut, and hurt themselves for a release.  Some people spend too much money, gamble, have numerous affairs,  ignore negative situations altogether and stuff everything inside until it overflows one day which is not a pretty sight (I know because I did this). Some people lie, cheat and steal. Some people do things worse than that but the majority of our struggles are internal but they end up affecting the external. Every demon or addiction we fight affects others even when almost everyone that has been wrapped up in addiction has believed the opposite. My co-dependency was hurting myself as I was neglecting myself and staying in negative situations with my kids around which in the long term was only going to hurt them. I justified staying because I didn't want to be alone and I still wanted them to have a "family". I am now aware of my co-dependency and I have to keep myself in check and ask myself my true motives in anything I do. We all experience pain in life, but we all pick and choose how to accept it and process pain. Everyone I believe in some way is broken so we have to view life from that reality and it's a little easier to accept and forgive. Addiction is just a symptom to the problem. Once you figure out the problem and can change, your entire life changes. People just have to be willing to change. 

I use the verse in the bible "Forgive them for they know not what they do"  all the time when dealing with someone that is living their life in their own reality. Whether you believe in God, a creator or not - this is a great description of denial. I was that person that could not see the craziness that I was contributing to the situation because it was OK for me to act that way because of what THEY did (justification) - that is not the right thing to do. It was all one sided and it was everyone else's fault. There was nothing wrong with me ha ha. Boy did I have a rude awakening coming my way. That one sentence also keeps me going and able to love people that make the wrong decisions. I still love both of my exes because I believe I saw what I know they could have done if they would have stripped away the hurt, their own pain and issues in their life they still decided not to work through them when the relationships ended. I now wish the best for them and I truly mean that. I want them to experience peace, but they have to want it and they have to do what it takes to get that peace - it's not easy. What's easier half the time is staying where you are. For the longest time dysfunction was comfortable to me. The unknown and being without someone was much more scary for me than staying in a negative situation. Both my exes have good hearts but just want to continue to live a different way than I want to live now. They valued things that I no longer value and it didn't work. I can't make anyone seek help (trust me I have tried everything in the book). I can't make anyone see the truth in their life. The truth being how their life really is - not how they think it is. I thought my life was good until I experienced the fall of both of my marriages. It took me going through two similar situations not once but twice before I looked inward at myself. Some people have to go through so much more heartache than others before they think they might need help and that they actually want help and then get help. I have heard so many times from people that they want help, but they do nothing to really get it. Every one's breaking point is different. 

Once I realized that people are going to do what they are going to do regardless of how I think they should do it (ha ha) then I was able to no longer be surprised when certain people let me down. I just keep remembering that verse, keep reminding myself to keep wishing the best for them while continuing to protect my boundaries and to keep myself from getting too involved while someone is struggling right in front of me. I had to get some clarity by being out of the situation. 

When I finally came to a point where I was willing and open to forgive I had to write out all my grievances. I got everything out - every hurt and every resentment I had - every event that pained me and took me to that place of emotional breakdown. I wrote a few pages on each and I also wrote down some resentments I had for myself. It's easy to let self doubt creep in and tell me that I was not good enough for the other men in my life to change, that I wasn't a good enough of a person or wife or whatever to inspire them to live a better life. That I am a failure and that I suck at relationships. All of those thoughts would come to me and I had to write it out and get it all out. 

I then burned those pages in a fire - I did a final physical act to remind me that I put my emotional hurts to rest. It is a constant reminder that I already gave those things up - I wrote them down, I processed my hurt and I burned it. Do those thoughts still come back? Heck yes - it's not like you flip a switch and never think about the hurt again - it's just a constant reminder to tell those thoughts to take a hike when they come back to me because I already forgave.  I actually still had a few lingering issues popping up so I did it a second time a few months later. Do whatever it takes to process it. Forgiveness is a process but burning those pages in the fire was such a good reminder for me that it's much easier to handle those feelings if and when they come back. I also pray for those that have hurt me. I want them to live a fulfilled life, I really do. Living with your past haunting you sucks. You have to get it all out and 90% of the time your issues were formed and your lies were created when you were a child. You have to go back there and figure out why you do the negative and crappy habits that you do before you can more forward. How can you get some where if you don't know where you currently are or where you have been? The process was painful, I had to relive some moments and behaviors I had stuffed way down but it's so worth it. You can live a life filled with peace, even when there is chaos around you. The key is stripping down your denial, processing your pain in a good way and making a conscious effort to no longer behave the way you did before. It's kinda scary doing something you have never done before but I promise the path less traveled is way more rewarding than what most people do, which is staying where they are in a crappy and negative place because the fear of being alone, forgiving or doing something different is greater than taking a chance on change and progress. The choice is yours. I will leave this post with the best quote I have on forgiveness. 

"Harboring unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies."

I'm not sure who said that but it's something to think about and consider. Letting go is freeing - it's like a big load off your back and you are free to live your life as you choose and experience peace. I hope anyone who reads this that has any resentments, bitterness or unforgiveness that they will just CONSIDER forgiving one day. You just have to be open to the idea and soon you will come to a place where you can make that decision. It's a process but it's so worth it. If you are harboring resentment, what is keeping you from forgiving? Here is a picture of the fire where I burned my resentments so I could forgive. Sometimes I look at the picture too to remind myself that I did that and it's in my past - there is no point in bringing it back up. It's time to move on once and for all...

Two Years Ago....this month.

I don't share a ton of personal information on this blog - I try to keep it based in the principles and tools I have learned throughout my journey in recovery in hopes of helping others. I will share the reasons for the two year chip I received last night because it means a lot to me personally. This is my journey and mine alone - the reasons why are mine but if you care to read them, maybe some people who's lives are involved around kids will think about the lifestyle and example they are living in front of those kids because sometimes, you just never know how negatively something that society deems fun, exciting and cool can effect a young child's life - and yes even inadvertently lead to their death. 

I have had my fair share of drinking and partying in my life - mostly in my first marriage because once I turned 21 that is all we started doing - checking out the new bar, becoming friends w/the new bartender and picking various home bars. Life was a party back then and surely revolved around alcohol. Fast forward to marriage number two and I was drinking often with the new boyfriend before I got pregnant to cope with the destruction of my first marriage failing. Shortly after I started dating soon to be second husband, I actually realized this was not a good idea because I would just be repeating my behaviors with my 1st marriage in this new relationship so I cut back even though I didn't fully stop drinking. 

After having our son we lived in a nice house in North Dallas. Declin was only about 2 or 3 and we met the neighbors out front on a weekend and I watched as their 3 year old daughter brought "special juice" to her daddy who was drinking beer on a Saturday in the front lawn. At this point my second husband was a personal trainer and we were pretty healthy at that time so we didn't have liquor or alcohol in our house so Declin didn't really know about beer - he had maybe seen mom and dad drink some wine with certain meals but it wasn't that often. Seeing even a 3 year old know that it's only something adults have and know that beer is a part of her dad's life even if in moderation really stuck with me. 

I was drinking wine for a couple of weeks at home when I was going through some personal issues when Declin was about 3 (this was my coping mechanism at the time). Declin wasn't even in school yet so he hadn't learned about drugs or alcohol but still told me to stop drinking it because I did have to tell him it was something he couldn't drink. That affected me. After I had my daughter I was seriously considering not drinking in the house and set the example that even casual drinking is not a good thing to do. Shortly after my daughter was born, I began attending Celebrate Recovery and after getting into my step study and listening to the teacher who is now my sponsor - one thing hit home with me and stuck and that is when I made my decision to stop drinking. I started my step study in Jan 2011. I went to CR for someone else but stayed for myself because I needed healing and to figure out why I did the things I did in my jacked up relationships. 

My job and industry is just filled with happy hours, mixers and lunches all provided with free alcohol, wine or beer. For a while that was my rule - I will only drink if it's a social and work event because then I will be blending in with everyone else and of course I wouldn't be paying for it. Ha - I also did that with cigarettes for a while when I used to smoke - I will just BUM cigs and not pay for them so that way I'm not a full blown smoker/drinker and that makes it totally ok. haha. 

That was my justification for still doing things I wanted to do and setting an example at home of what I feel the kids need to see - the non drinking or smoking mommy. During one of my teachings in my step study it was pointed out that you are only in integrity with yourself when who you say you are or present yourself to be and who you really are is the same. On March 11 of 2011, I attended a luncheon at work for one of the Houston stations I bought and there was great free food and drinks. I had a lovely steak and a glass of red wine. I got back to work, felt like crap after drinking that glass because all I wanted to do was take a nap. Then all the reasons why I should NOT drink flooded my mind and then I asked the question what is even the point to have one glass for me? The taste? Just so I look like I fit in because everyone else is drinking? I cannot drink to get drunk - I am not made that way as I suffer from alcohol poisoning if I reach a certain point and dry heaving for 8 hours after a night of drinking a lot is no fun to me. Then I thought - what good has ever come from drinking? Crazy stories have come from people drinking too much - I can name numerous fights that happened because people were drunk, I can name 3 cars in my lifetime that were wrecked or totaled from both of my exes because of their drinking or drugging and then driving. I can name nights where I can't even remember what happened, nights where people threw up and passed out, nights where people slept with people they shouldn't have because of alcohol.  To me all of those experiences  do NOT equal a good time. 

I can name two tragic events as to why I hate alcohol and the most defining reasons why I chose to quit drinking. One is because my very good friend Edward Glenn Batte (RIP) was hit by a drunk driver while on a motorcycle and died shortly after arriving at the hospital. The other is when a 15 year old girl drank too much beer in her parents' fridge in the garage on a fateful summer night. Her choice to drink alcohol I know further depressed her current state of mind and she ended up taking 10-14 antihistamine pills which who would of known the combination of both would be deadly. There is no doubt in my mind she would not have taken those pills if she would have been sober.  If that would have been my daughter how guilty would I feel for having that alcohol in the house? I am not saying we can shield our kids from them making horrible decisions, that could have happened at a friend's house, too. My question to myself is how am I going to live my life in front of my kids? What example am I going to set for them? Without going into too much detail - both of my exes started drinking alcohol at a very young age - like 12 or 13. One had access to their parents' stash in the house and the other one watched their father drink beers in his car and hide that from their mom. 

I also thought - what if I was drinking one night while their dad had the kids and I accidentally drank too much and got popped with a DWI? I could lose my kids! There is just no reason or point for me to drink being a single mom. Too much on the line plus addiction runs through the veins of my family and I am not going to take the chance. 

All in all the ultimate decision for me was to be in integrity with myself and my kids so that who I am while in front of them and who I am while away from them are the same. I am not a hypocrite with them and that was my main decision as to why. Will I not drink forever? I don't know I do miss wine with a good steak but I don't crave it. I was surrounded by free flowing liquor at Rachel Ray's Feedback during SXSW and had no desire whatsoever to drink. I had an amazing day, too because I chose to be healthy and did not envy people stumbling out of the place after drinking from 10am-4pm that day.  I just really hope they were not about to hop in a car and drive somewhere.

I don't care what people think anymore or I would have continued to drink to "fit in". Some people look at me like I have two heads and some are like that's cool. I don't care. I see the destruction that drinking, drugs and addiction has had in my life and in others' lives. I am living a healthier lifestyle, doing my first triathlon next month - so of course I don't need to drink. It just doesn't fit into my lifestyle at all. It's really hard to believe it's been two years since that luncheon - it doesn't even seem like it and I don't really miss it. One last saying that sticks with me is what you do in moderation your kids will do in excess. I also know that I could set an amazing example and my kids could still go off the rails when they get into their teenage years - I'm fully aware of that but at least I know that what I did for myself and my kids is the right thing to do regardless of the outcome. Please contact me if you are wanting more info about Celebrate Recovery or getting healing from jacked up relationships, past hurts that hinder your current life, negative habits, guilt and shame or anything that is keeping you from living an abundant and full life. 

Single and Loving It??

So it's been over a year since I left my relationship. It has actually gone by pretty quickly. This week has been a week where I am totally not loving being single but I am still learning to accept it. I am including this video below of one of my favorite songs ever, 23 by Jimmy Eat World and one of the verses hit me and is relevant to my situation right now. 

So the verse is "I won't always love what I'll never have." I had to think about that and I actually will always love the idea of what I definitely don't have right now but I do want. Who knows if I will ever have it - but earlier this week I was definitely feeling like I will always be alone aside from co-workers, friends, family and of course my kids.  I can love and acknowledge the fact that there are other people out there living their lives with the one they are supposed to be with. I tried to force love, I tried to make a relationship into something it most definitely was not. I hoped, wanted and believed that love would conquer all, that anything could be overcome. Unfortunately, I realized that even what I hoped and wished that all I could ever do was control myself and decide what I wanted out of life and any relationship. I decided I didn't want to be in a relationship that wasn't in sync, where each individuals' wants and desires for their own life and family were no where near the same. They might have been the same in theory or in words, but all that really matters ultimately is what you end up doing, not what you end up saying.

Being single has it's perks, most definitely. I don't have to worry about what someone else is thinking or feeling - if I am disappointing them or not. There is no worry of trust being broken because it's just me. I don't have to work with someone else's schedule for the week - I just do what I need to do for myself and my kids without having to run it by anyone else.  I still want to believe though that a relationship can happen where two people implicitly trust each other, have each other's backs, inspire each other to be better and ultimately work together to solve problems and issues in a non-toxic way. I know I need to be telling myself that the best is yet to come but it's really easy to get stuck in my negative self-pitied thoughts. If my lot in life is to be a single mom until I die - so be it. That is not what I want deep down - I think everyone out there in this world just wants to be loved by someone else - not in a brotherly, sisterly or motherly way. I also think I'm still in mourning. I am processing the loss of the relationship - my family being broken up and the lie that I gave up when I know that I did everything in my own power to convey the wants and needs of myself and my kids - it just didn't work out because each individual person's desire for how they spend their time and what they want to do with their own life ended up being completely different.  It is what it is and I'm accepting that fact. 

I have come to the conclusion that based on my own experience - the easy thing was staying in my defective relationship because I didn't want to be alone. I've been there and done that but wasted a couple more years of my life because I trusted again and got burned again so it's not worth it. The act of leaving has been the hardest thing yet.  I now know what qualities I seek and desire in a person and even though I truly believe both of my exes had those qualities deep down in them and they were just waiting to come out - in the end their actions definitely spoke louder than their words. In any relationship all you have to go off of is what the person actually ends up doing - not what they say. When their words don't match up with their actions, they lack integrity.  Your character and your integrity can be changed believe it or not. Most people don't want to do the work required to have integrity with themselves because it sure as heck ain't easy  - trust me I know. I have no regrets though - I have two beautiful children and I am where I am today because of what I have experienced in my past. 

It's not easy to be the one to apologize when you are even just 2% wrong but you do it anyway because it's the right thing to do. It's not easy to hold your tongue when you are so used to letting it say the first thing you want that pops in your head even though it's not the right thing to say. It's not easy to say no. I was such a people pleaser before and didn't want to let anyone down but that caused me to over-extend myself and then end up breaking commitments. I'd rather just decline than commit to something and then flake. Hopefully the people I say no to won't take it personally. That is my other fault - I care too much what others think even though I know that what others think of me is none of my business. 

I believe most of us want to be loved, accepted, understood and experience a kind of unconditional love with an intimate partner. That last part is tricky because when you are intimately involved with someone on a day to day basis whether you like it or not you still  have certain expectations with the one you picked to spend the rest of your life with. I now realize that I didn't even know what I truly wanted in a mate until it was too late. I had a reckless abandon for love and just believed that love would conquer and fix all. That was very naive of me to think that one's conditioned habits that they have learned and practiced their entire life would just disappear and be replaced with noble and responsible actions all in the name of love or because a life or two was created. I will never understand why certain people make certain decisions in their life - but for once instead of telling someone what I think they should do (which of course was my MO for many years), I am going to live my life to the best of my ability whether I'm in a relationship or not. I could have let my pity party get out of control. I could have said to screw this triathlon because it is very hard for me to work 40+ hours a week and still work in some training time while taking care of all the responsibilities with the kids as well. I could have let my loneliness grow but instead I realized being lonely is a choice - yes I am alone but I will choose not to allow myself to feel lonely all the time. 

I still believe in love but now at least I have completely and totally raised my requirements of what I do and do not want in a man. I also realize I am definitely shrinking down prospects for available men due to my standards now, but I also know I'm worth it and I'm not going to budge on what I require and what I want. If it just so happens that said amazing man walks into my life one day - I  will be ready. Until then, I will just need to be thankful that I don't have anyone to focus on or worry about except myself and my kids and also realize I will have challenges with my schedule and what I am physically able to do by myself and with the kids. 

Sure, I would love to do life with someone, to not sleep alone, to have someone that loves my kids as much as I do, enjoys doing the same types of things as I do and also has a drive to be successful in life and to follow their passions. If a man never walks into my life, then so be it. I will be a mother to my kids and all they will know is that mom poured her life into them because I already made a vow to only bring around another man in their life if I know for sure that I am going to marry that man. I quit drinking alcohol for myself and my kids - I also decided that I am not going to be a single mom that has a revolving door of men in and out of their home and exposed to my kids. I do not like being single, but I am not going to subject my kids to more pain. It would be like multiple mini-divorces especially if the kids did end up liking whatever boyfriends I brought around. I feel bad enough for the affect this divorce is going to have on them. 

I do miss a lot of things about being in a relationship but I don't miss them enough to go back into a less than relationship just to avoid being alone. The more time that goes by the easier it is but then I will have a week like this past week where I am really struggling to not get down or depressed about my situation. It's hard to just sit and wait. I was the one that went after what I wanted even though at the time it was probably not a good thing for me. I see that now. I could probably score a relationship with anyone if I sought it out but it would be the wrong one. I know if I rushed something that wasn't meant to be all because I didn't want to be alone, I would be in the same less than relationship years down the road. 

So to answer my own question - I am single but I'm not loving it.  I am accepting it and moving forward day by day with a hope that it won't always be this way. I will not consider dating until 2014 anyway which is a commitment I made to myself and other.  Regardless of the no-dating fact - I still have the thoughts and wants for something more, a girl can always dream, right? 

7 Things I learned at SXSW

This year was my first year ever at SXSW and considering I didn't have my kids during spring break - heck yes I was going to experience it! 

1. It's SOUTH BY - not South By Southwest. You know you are from Austin if you refer to it as "South By"

2. The daytime concerts rock. I will definitely need to take a couple of half days next year so I can enjoy a few more daytime concerts because they are FREE and they are in a more intimate setting than most bigger evening venues. 

3. You don't need a wristband or a badge to enjoy the week. Pretty much the only time you do need said wristband or badge is if you want to wait in line for hours to see bands you already know or like that are playing the big headlining showcases. I figured I would save the $160 the wristband costs and just go see said band when they come back to tour again and pay $20-30 for a ticket. I would never have seen enough bands in the week to warrant the wristband cost. 

4. The best part about SXSW for me was seeing the up and coming bands - the hard part is just finding out about them and going to their show before they hit it big. 

5. Ride your bike. The traffic and parking is ridiculous. I got around just fine on my bike and I wasn't the only one that had that idea as you can see below.  

6. The one event worth waiting in line for is Rachael Ray's Feedback that was on Saturday. Free food, free drinks, free bands from 10a-4p. I was lucky to get a guest pass and not wait in line but you will not be disappointed if you do wait in line, just get there REALLY early to make sure you do get in. 

7. Don't expect to get a cab between 11p-3a like ever during sxsw. I only spent one night out late and luckily I have access to a free garage and my car downtown but the friend I was with did not want to walk to it in her heels. Needless to say we did not get a cab and I left her at a bench  corner while I went and got my car and then picked her up. I also talked to Dan from Bastille and they never got a cab with their gear after one of their shows (which was past 1am) and luckily some guy in a truck gave them a lift. 

Here's a quick run down of the bands I saw of note the past week with a few pics. Of course they might not be your taste but they were great live shows and I am definitely more of a fan after seeing them live. The funny thing is they are all from overseas. 

Bastille is from England - Kyle has the best t-shirts and Dan - check out the video. I was not sure how they were going to put this sound together live but it was pretty amazing. Of course my phone died at their wed. night show but I did get some good shots of their daytime show for Filter mag on Thursday. I saw them twice because yes they were that good live and also because who knows when the heck they will ever be back over here to tour.  I have got to give any band props for covering What would you do? by City High. Here is a short video clip of my fav. song by them below - I cut it off so I could jump up and down at the end of the song haha. 

Of course I believe they will be big over here in the US as soon as they get distribution. I also got to meet Dan at the show at Club de Ville Wed. night and he was super cool and nice. Another perk of SXSW, at the smaller shows there is no VIP area and they just roam around at the club and you can totally say hi to them. 

Civil Twilight  I don't even remember how I heard about them, I think I heard one of their songs on a TV show possibly? Steven's voice is amazing and my biggest judge of a band is how well they sound live. One of my favorite all time live bands is Jimmy Eat World because they sound amazing live and have great energy. Civil Twilight is great live - and Steven's voice is just beautiful. I didn't video this one because the lighting really sucked, but here are a couple of pics. Their album Holy Weather is great, one of the few CD's I can listen to all the way through. They are from South Africa but have moved to Nashville recently. I really hope they do hit it big and get more exposure. Steven's brother Andrew is killer on the guitar and the newly added keyboardist makes for some nice melody (back in the day they were just a trio).  I also chatted with Steven after this show and hope they can come back and just play by themselves so I can hear most of their newest album. The biggest negative about SX is that the sets are way short - not even 30 minutes most of the time. Would love to hear It's Over live - beautiful song by them. 

Frightened Rabbit is the other band I saw that was at the top of my list. I hadn't heard of them until I got the list of bands that were going to be at Rachel Ray's Feedback and after listening online my true test was going to be how they sound live.  Frightened Rabbit is from Scotland so I apparently have a thing for overseas bands lately.  They are in my top three so of course they were awesome. Here is their video for The Woodpile and one of the pics I took at the show. I love their sound and the four guitars live sounded awesome. 

South by was definitely an experience and considering it's written in my custody arrangement that my ex gets the kids every spring break, I have a feeling I will be enjoying music during that week as long as I still live in Austin. I was still able to have some fun, get some bike riding in, see some music but also keep up with my training for my triathlon. My training blog is a little more active than this one right now just because training for my first triathlon is what I am focused on the most.  I want to keep it separate so I don't bore people over here with my swim and bike adventures. Last week was pretty cool - now it's back to real life.

Daily Reminder - Keep it in the NOW!

Staying in today is sometimes really hard for me, even though I know how important it is. It does me no good to go into the future regarding a looming deadline, or in some cases anticipation for something good even though I have no actual reason to believe that what I want or dream of will actually come true. The more I think about things that are not even a current reality, the more I cheat my children out of focused one on one time. This also goes for dwelling on my past or having past regrets - there is no reason to go there. All that matters for me is right now and how I can make the right choices to the best of my ability. Truthfully, if I screw up which I often do - I have to process it, learn from it and keep on going. 

I used to be temporarily paralyzed by set backs and sometimes physically effected by negative parts of my life that I could do nothing about. I didn't know how to effectively deal with my feelings or emotions. I am glad that I no longer have those issues but it is still easy for me to go into my head and spend too much time thinking about things that have nothing to do with right now. What helps me most is to write down my concerns, or what I am anxious about and keep it in my  "God Box". That way I just release those things I can't control and have no power over and just keep on doing what I need to do on a daily basis. It is not easy to do this as I used to try and control every single thing around me - my kids, my exes, my job, and almost every aspect of my life that I could. After trying to do that for many years and then finally realizing that the only thing I could actually control were my own thoughts, actions and how I choose to react to everything going on around me, I was pretty frustrated and unhappy in life. Everything I tried to do in regards to attempting to control everyone else did not turn out how I wanted it to and it took my many failures to have a final 'aha' moment to where I realized I gotta focus on me and not everyone else. 

The best thing I can do now is keep reminding myself when I have an issue or concern that I cannot control - give it up and rest in the fact that if it's meant to be, it will be and that sometimes what I wish for really comes about in a totally different way that I would ever expect anyway. It's also good to not have expectations, but I struggle really hard with that, too. I  just need to write this down to myself as a reminder because I do need to focus on the now, on my daily responsibilities and if something wonderful comes my way in the near future, I can embrace it when it happens. If it does not, then so be it - I will keep doing what I am doing and becoming who I know I want to be regardless. I hope everyone has a great week and remembers to stay in today so that you are not robbed of important moments with your family or friends because of being preoccupied about a future or past event that does not even matter right now. Sometimes when I let my thoughts wander a little too far, I really have to reel them in and remind myself of what is really important which is RIGHT NOW, not two days, two months or even a year from now.